


A Dime If You Tell Me That You Love Me

by cherie_morte



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Prostitution, Sex Work, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, Ugly Duckling, finishupfeb, judgmental Cheetah gets a tag, sentimental rimjobs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-10-28 18:33:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 53,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17792561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherie_morte/pseuds/cherie_morte
Summary: Jared wastes his days idly riding buses in quiet rebellion of his family's extravagant lifestyle and suffocating demands. One day, he sees a man from the bus window who is everything he isn't allowed to have. After talking to the stranger, Jared learns that he can have Jensen after all—as long as he's willing to pay.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> This is my first ever attempt at a chaptered fic, so I really hope you guys enjoy this format! The plan is to dole this out every other day (on even days) during the Supernatural hiatus with the eighth and final chapter posting on the last day of February. I know that's more often than folks generally like to receive their WIP updates, but I really want to have this posted by the end of the month, so I hope you'll bear with me.
> 
> This is a story I have been kicking around since I was in a Latino transit culture class in grad school, so I am really excited to finally share these characters! I owe thanks to two people for finally getting me moving on this: my wonderful artist, [sweetheartdean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartdean/pseuds/sweetheartdean), whose enthusiasm and talent are contagious and whose very good narrative instincts and honest feedback have helped dig me out of countless plot holes and wrestle with my own bad writing habits and my dearest Cuch, [dugindeep](https://twitter.com/iwinsoiwin), who a) ran the spn_cinema round that got me working on this (even if I ultimately wasn't able to finish for the deadline) and b) betaed. You two are my rocks (and you also rock). <3___<3
> 
> This chapter has no additional warnings to those included in the tagging. However, please be aware that the overall story will include references to (off-screen) physical/sexual abuse (not between the main pairing).

Jared rides the bus.

That's what he does, he rides the bus.

He watches the people who get on and off, inventing stories for them. They interest him, these strangers who all seem to be different and complicated and confusing, even though they've all probably lived in these same neighborhoods and ridden this same route since they were, like their children now are, compelled to press their little faces to the big windows and wave at the other cars stuck in traffic. 

It's therapeutic in a way. It teaches him that although not everybody lives like he does, most do. Acting out an echo, moving through the same patterns, the same life their moms and dads had before them, their parents before them, and on it goes. At a glance, Jared’s life seems wildly different from those of the people sitting next to and around him. On the surface, Jared has the life these people work so hard just to dream of one day living. But in every way that matters, it’s all equal. Every single one of them is trapped.

This is his one act of rebellion. He rides buses. He takes pleasure in the knowledge that no one on that endless family tree he's dangling from ever deigned to ride public transportation, so they never came to these places or saw these people. This is his crack in the spine of that droning Padalecki family history book that weighs more than he does.

He's been on the S14 for three hours now, enough time to loop the entire route and go halfway around again. It's starting to get late, way later than he usually stays out when he does this. Late enough that he can't really see the desolate strip malls or the squat one-floor homes with plywood for windows, but that's okay. This bus is one of his regulars. He has the sights all memorized. Jared has even started to recognize some of the other riders, men and women who get on after what's obviously been a long day of hard work and immediately slouch into their seats, bow their heads, and doze off until they somehow sense their stop.

There's not much to see outside except the neon of signs in bar windows, so Jared decides he'll finish this loop and get off downtown where he got on, some neighborhood he can call a car to without worrying about how he'll explain it to his parents.

It's a good plan for all of three stops and then it goes hurtling out the window, because the bus gets caught at a light and while the driver waits for it to turn green, Jared spots something that would pull stronger men than him into its orbit.

The man is standing directly below a flickering VACANCY sign, so Jared gets a good look at him despite how dark it is. He's leaning against the wall of a corner motel, smoking with one leg propped on crumbling brick and chipped peach-colored paint, his head leaned back, and his eyes shut.

He's obviously in bliss as he puffs on his cigarette, and Jared can't help thinking that he looks like the embodiment of heaven…if heaven was a place for sinners. The guy's form-fitting jean shorts are slung low on his hips, rolled off at the thigh, and his skin-tight bright red shirt seems innocuous enough, "enjoy Coca-Cola" logo on silkscreen, until Jared looks closer and realizes that what it actually says is "enjoy Cock."

It's one thing to admire a guy from afar, but it's just downright wasteful to stay at a distance when said guy is basically wearing a billboard advertising his love of dick. Jared pulls the cord to request the next stop without even realizing he's doing it.

Granted, the outfit is a little much. Jared never used to go for the loud-and-proud types during the too-brief period of time when he was able to scratch this particular itch. But it's been months since he got home from college, where fucks could be safely anonymous, and he hasn't so much as let himself glance at a man since. Now is the time for a sure bet if ever there was one. It's not like anything that happens out here, in a part of town that might as well not exist as far as his family is concerned, will ever make it back to their circle.

The bus leaves him about a block down the road from the Fallen Pines Motel, where Jared finds the guy standing exactly as he was when they passed him. He takes in details he couldn't catch from afar, like how the stranger's cheeks are dusted with gold flecks and how unfairly full his lips are around that cigarette. He's still insanely hot, but now Jared can see that he's beautiful, too.

"Hey, can I bum a smoke?" he asks, because there's no other subtle way to initiate a conversation with someone who is apparently off on some different plane of existence. Jared wonders too late if maybe the guy is a junkie in the middle of a binge.

The man opens one eye and then the other, and Jared has to physically take a step back when he sees how sharp and deep the green of his eyes is. The look he levels at Jared is intense, way too present for his drug addict theory, which makes him breathe a little easier. He gives a hesitant smile, trying to reassure the man that he isn't dangerous, and gets a barked laugh in response.

"How long have you been standing there, Dimples?" the stranger asks. "And that was the best you could come up with?" Jared opens his mouth to insist he was just looking for a cigarette, but the man cuts him off. "You don't smoke, sweetheart. I can tell."

Jared decides there's no point in insisting on a lie, so he leans on the wall with his body turned toward the stranger and does everything he can to sound like his most confident self. "Maybe I'm looking to pick up the habit."

"I'm pretty sure that's not what you're looking to pick up," the guy answers.

Alright, so he's pretty but not stupid. Jared can respect that.

"You know what, you're right." He holds his hand out. "I'm Jared. What's your name?"

"Whatever you want it to be, Dimples," the man replies, glancing at but not shaking Jared’s hand until he gives up and drops it.

"Jared, not Dimples," he insists. "And now who's using crappy lines?"

The stranger lifts his head. "Jensen. Unless I'm giving you a fake one to blow you off."

"Nah," says Jared. "No one just makes up _Jensen_ on the spot."

Jensen looks at the cigarette that's burnt down to his fingertips and flicks it into the gutter. "Jared, on the other hand," he says before reaching up and poking one of Jared's cheeks. "You don't have a liar's face, though."

Jared doesn't swat his hand away, makes it clear that he's good with being touched, and Jensen's face softens a bit. "What can I do for you, Jared?"

He wonders how forward he can get away with being and decides to play it safe. "I, uh. Just want to get to know you a little. Like, what do you do?"

"That's cute," Jensen says, laughing. "I fuck."

"You—" Jared looks him over again, thinks about the way the guy has been talking, forward but guarded at the same time. He was feeling out if Jared is a cop, and the over-the-top outfit isn't a fashion choice, it's a _uniform_. "Oh, you—ah."

"Yeah," replies Jensen dragging it out. "And I'm good, too."

"I—I don't pay for sex," Jared stutters out.

"Well, that's too bad. For both of us." Jensen drags his eyes up and down Jared's body and pouts in a way that makes Jared really want to take it back. Then the corners of those plump lips turn up and he adds, “But mostly for you.”

Before Jared can formulate a response, a car pulls into the nearest parking spot and blinks its headlights.

Jensen waves to acknowledge whoever's driving and pushes off the wall. He steps closer to Jared for a moment, rises enough to put his mouth right on Jared's ear and says, "If you change your mind, you'll know where to find me."

When he breaks—and in Jared's defense, he takes several days to break—Jensen is waiting by the same corner, as promised. This time instead of smoking a cigarette he's kneeling in front of a huge, light brown dog that looks more like an enthusiastic cotton ball than anything else.

The dog licks Jensen's cheek and he laughs, shoving its face away. "C'mon, now. Not the money maker."

As Jared approaches, the dog stops jumping on Jensen and immediately runs up to give Jared the same treatment. Jared laughs and pats its side and Jensen says, "Down, boy! Down."

The dog obviously hasn't gone to obedience school like Jared’s mother’s poodles always do. He goes right on hopping all over Jared until Jensen reaches them and pulls him off and away.

"He's much friendlier than you," Jared jokes as soon as the dog has calmed down a little. "What's his name?"

"This is my pimp, Oscar," Jensen says, giving the dog an affectionate pat on the head before letting him go. Oscar wags his tail when he approaches Jared again, but he sticks to sniffing this time.

"Your pimp is a dog," Jared observes.

"Works out cheaper that way," Jensen reasons, and Jared supposes you can't really argue with that. "He barks at the really shady characters and I know not to go with them. I've saved myself a lot of grief thanks to his advice."

"So did I pass his test?" Jared asks.

Jensen smiles. "I'd say. I've never seen him actually run up to someone who isn't me."

"He probably just smells my dogs," Jared replies, shrugging.

Oscar must understand some of what's being said, because as soon as the word 'dogs' is out of Jared's mouth, he's launching himself at Jared again. Jensen catches him before he makes impact and drags him down, patting him dismissively.

"You leave Dimples alone now," he says. Then he straightens up to meet Jared's eyes and from the smirk on his face, Jared realizes Jensen never doubted for a minute that he would be back. "He's not here to see you."

"Jared," Jared reminds him. "My name is Jared."

"Hey, once the money is in my hand, I'll call you whatever you want." Jensen bites his bottom lip as he smiles. "Until then, Dimples, I do as I please."

"How much?" Jared asks, too anxious to keep the banter up. "How much do you want?"

"I thought you didn't pay for sex," Jensen says in a mocking tone. "What made you change your mind?"

"Convenience, mostly," Jared replies, because that's partly true. He can't go around just fucking any guy he wants without getting caught. He doesn't say the rest, that he hasn't been able to get Jensen out of his head all week, but from the smug look on the guy's face, it's pretty clear he knows.

"Let's see. For you? Three hundred bucks an hour, plus you get us a room for the night."

"Three hundred an hour?" Jared splutters. "You make three hundred an hour and you're working out of this dump?"

"Not usually," Jensen says. He gives Jared's wrist a long glance and looks back up to Jared's face. "Your watch alone cost twelve grand. You can afford it."

Jared straightens to his full height, a little offended. It's bad enough to pay for sex at all, let alone having the price jacked up like he's a particularly unpleasant task. "You're charging me _more_ than you would normally?"

“I’m like one of those charity lawyers, you know, the ‘pay what you can’ guys.” Jensen stares Jared down pointedly. "You can pay it, can't you?"

"Well, yeah," Jared admits. "But it's the principle of the thing."

Jensen lifts an eyebrow. "You're arguing ethics with a guy you're soliciting for paid sex."

"Okay, when you put it that way it sounds pretty dumb."

The laugh Jensen lets out is genuine and he looks fond when he meets Jared's gaze again. "Come on, Dimples. I'm worth it. It'll be the best hour Daddy's money ever got you."

"What makes you think it's Daddy's money?" Jared asks.

Jensen licks his lips and gives Jared a pat on the cheek. "I'm observant. You've got tortured trust fund kid written all over that Burberry coat."

"Fair enough. If I agree to the price hike, you can never call me Dimples again," Jared tells him. "It's part of the contract."

"It hurts me that you don't want my affection," Jensen says dramatically. Jared reaches for his wallet, flashes some cash, and Jensen's face loses its tragic expression. "But I'll cope."

Jared looks around then, tucking his wad of bills back into his coat pocket and feeling his face burn as he asks, “Okay, so…what now?”

Jensen huffs a laugh. “You weren’t just saying it, huh? You really don’t do this.”

“You didn’t believe me?” Jared asks, embarrassed because he’s swallowing enough of his pride just being here without the implication that it’s the kind of thing he has to do often.

But then Jensen takes his hand and leads him toward the motel, and Jared’s blood starts pumping in his ears too loud for him to think about being ashamed.

“Guys like you don’t exactly come around here for the accommodations,” Jensen explains. “But I’m glad you got lost if that’s what led you to me.”

There’s a light jingle as Jensen pushes the door to the front office open and tugs Jared in behind him. He immediately heads to the front desk and leans on it, pressing the bell on the counter despite the fact that the concierge—or whatever you call them at a run-down place like this—is already looking directly at him.

The man is surprisingly attractive, although he appears to be more tired than Jared has ever seen anyone look, with his black hair unsettled and dark circles under his bright blue eyes. He’s only middle-aged, but his weary expression seems to imply that he’s seen everything there is to see several times over, and it makes Jared uncomfortably aware of just how obvious it must be to this guy what he and Jensen are here to do.

He isn’t wearing a uniform, but there’s a nametag pinned to his ill-fitting tan trench coat that says, “MISHA.”

“Hello, Jensen,” Misha says, his eyes sliding over to Jared briefly before he turns to grab a key off the board behind him. “I assume one king will be okay for you and _your very close friend_.”

“It’s like you see into my soul with those baby blues,” Jensen replies in the flirtatious tone he’s been using on Jared.

The difference is that, instead of setting Misha aflame like it does Jared, the guy replies with how much they’ll owe for the night in the same monotone he’s said everything else.

After a long beat, Jensen turns to look at him, raising an eyebrow, and Jared realizes Misha is also staring at him, gaze unblinking. They’re waiting for him to pay.

“Oh, right,” Jared says, fumbling through his pockets for the stack of bills he brought. He can feel himself starting to sweat, even though it couldn’t be more obvious that Misha has no interest in busting them. “Is cash okay?”

For the first time since they walked in, Misha cracks a smile. He looks over to Jensen, tilting his head at a questioning angle, and Jensen grins as he snatches a few bills out of Jared’s hand and slides them across the counter.

“He’s new,” Jensen explains, looking over at Jared. “In town, I mean. Obviously we’ve been friends for ages.”

“Someday, you must tell me how you two met,” Misha replies, tossing Jensen a room key. His voice doesn’t change, still as disinterested as ever, but Jared gets the impression that it’s a very funny joke from the way Jensen drops his head back and laughs.

“Hey, make yourself a pot of coffee,” Jensen tells him, tapping the counter with the keys. “You look like death.”

Then he gives the guy a wave goodbye as he turns toward the exit, but Misha doesn’t acknowledge Jensen’s parting concern. He’s already staring down at what appears to be a textbook, ignoring Jared’s awkward retreat as much as he did Jensen’s friendlier one.

“You must come here pretty often,” Jared says stupidly as soon as they’re outside.

Jensen looks up at him, clearly unimpressed by his observation. “I can’t wait to get you out of your clothes and too well-fucked to talk.”

“Sorry,” Jared says, looking down at the floor. “I’m making this awkward.”

“Want me to tell you you’re not?” Jensen offers. “Because I totally will, if that’ll make you feel better.”

Jared rolls his eyes. “I’m pretty sure I’d be able to tell you were lying.”

“Excuse you,” Jensen replies, pretending to be upset. “I am a very gifted actor. I could have had a really decorated career in the theatre, but my passion lies with sucking dick.”

“That’s beautiful,” Jared replies. “I hope you remember to save that for your Oscar acceptance speech, because there won’t be a dry eye in the room.”

Jensen bites his bottom lip like he’s trying to stop a smile and shakes his head at Jared as he stops outside their assigned room, pressing his back to the door and holding the key up. “You want to do the honors, or should I?”

Jared snatches the key and fits it in, pressing closer to Jensen as he does so. He ducks his head, about to grab a kiss, but Jensen turns his face away and puts his hand on the knob, turning it so that the door swings open and immediately taking a step back to put space between them.

While Jared is still stumbling into the room, trying to recover from the sudden loss of the door he was leaning on, Jensen heads straight to the bed, taking a seat at the foot of it.

“Before we begin, I have some ground rules. Number one: you hit me, I hit back. You’re bigger, but I guarantee I’ve been through the wringer more than your preppy ass, and I will finish you. Understood?”

Jared closes the door and raises his hands in surrender. “I come in peace.”

“You sure will.” Jensen winks as Jared groans at the pun. “Number two: if you’re into weird stuff, baby, I’m your man, but you are gonna pay for it. Price I quoted was for all your standard sex acts and if you want more, it’ll cost you more. That sound fair?”

“Definitely fair,” Jared agrees, taking a seat next to Jensen on the bed. “No weird stuff for now. This whole thing is weird enough for me already.”

“Mmm, ‘for now,’” Jensen repeats. “I like that.”

Jared cups Jensen’s face and tries again to kiss him, and Jensen hops to his feet. “And finally, rule number three: no kissing on the mouth. Not at any point.”

“No kissing?” Jared responds. “Isn’t that a little cliché? And…impersonal?”

“Cliché? Maybe. Don’t care. As for impersonal,” Jensen gestures at the sleazy room around them, “Impersonal is kind of the point.”

“I don’t want impersonal. I’ll pay more for—”

“Gonna stop you right there. Weird stuff is on the menu. Kissing is not on the menu. Are you going to agree to that, or are you going home with blue balls?” Jensen seems to see that Jared is hesitating, because he leans down in front of him and tucks his hand under Jared’s chin, forcing him to look up. “I didn’t take you for such a romantic.”

Jared cuts his glance away. He knows what this is. He has no pretensions about it. But if he’s so desperate for a little male company that he’s paying for it, he’d really like the full experience.

Still, when Jensen pushes him back and crawls onto his lap, it’s hard to stay disappointed.

“Come on, sugar. You already paid for the room. Might as well make it worth it. I guarantee once you see what I can do, you won’t have anything to pout about.”

“Am I pouting?” Jared asks.

The smile Jensen gives in response is wide and almost predatory, with his tongue pushing at his teeth. He reaches back and pulls his shirt off over his head and then leans down to whisper in Jared’s ear. “Not for long.”

Jared reaches up to touch Jensen’s bare chest and Jensen catches his hand. “So is that a yes, then?”

“Yeah,” Jared replies, already losing his breath just looking at Jensen. “Yeah, no kissing, I’m on board. _Please._ ”

“You don’t gotta beg me for anything,” Jensen replies, backing off of Jared, which would make Jared pretty upset, except that his hands immediately go to his low-slung jeans. “Unless you’re into that kind of thing.”

Jensen’s fingers hardly touch the fabric before he has the one button undone, and the denim falls off him, puddling at his feet. Jared’s mouth goes dry as he realizes Jensen had nothing on under, and whatever striptease he was expecting to help ease him into this is over before it started. Jensen is standing in front of him, completely naked and without shame as Jared stares at him open-mouthed.

“What do you want?” Jensen asks, kicking his shoes off as he pushes the pile of his clothes to the side.

The question is simple, simple enough that it almost seems foolish, and yet Jared needs the better part of a minute to formulate a response. Jensen doesn’t at all look the way Jared expected once he’s shed the trashy outfit. He’s got surprisingly strong shoulders and arms that might be thicker than Jared’s, his stomach is flat but soft, and his cock is half-hard between sturdy thighs. Jared doesn’t usually take a lot of interest in the dick size of the guys he fucks, but Jensen’s is enough to make him wonder what it would feel like inside.

“I—uh,” Jared says.

“Good answer,” Jensen teases. He moves forward slowly, like he’s trying not to spook Jared, and gently begins to push the coat off Jared’s shoulders. “You can keep your clothes on if that’s better for you, but you look like you’re melting in this thing.”

It hadn’t even occurred to Jared to undress. He’d been so damn distracted by Jensen that he kind of forgot about himself altogether. So he pulls his arms through and lets Jensen remove the coat before he brings his shaky hands to the collar of his shirt and starts to work his way down the buttons.

“I’m going to fuck you,” Jared tells Jensen, trying to sound like he’s in control of this. Jensen is professional enough to go along with it, even though it couldn’t be more clear which of them actually knows what to do.

“I’d like that,” Jensen says, smiling as he returns to the bed. Jared notices that he has a shiny square in his hand now and figures he must have stopped to pull a condom from his pants while he was placing Jared’s coat over the back of the ugly green armchair in the corner where he threw his clothes earlier.

Jensen is now kneeling on the mattress behind Jared, waiting until Jared decides whether he wants more help undressing. Jared stands as he peels off his shirt and quickly tosses his undershirt on the floor after it, and then he walks toward the bed. Jensen takes the hint. He crawls to the edge of the mattress in a way that shouldn’t be hot but is and reaches for Jared’s belt with confidence, almost with ownership.

He makes quick work of Jared’s pants, and just the fleeting, perfunctory touches over the fabric have Jared’s dick thick by the time Jensen is tracing the outline of it through his boxers. Jensen licks his bottom lip and pulls the elastic down slowly, like he’s unwrapping a present, and when he sees Jared’s cock, he grins.

“Knew you’d be big,” he says as he takes Jared’s dick in one hand, the other wrapping around Jared’s back, fingers lingering as they push the boxers down past Jared’s ass. “Knew it the first time I saw you. But this is one of the most beautiful cocks I’ve ever seen.”

Jared rolls his eyes, because he knows there’s no chance Jensen doesn’t say that to every single client, so there’s no reason it should make him feel good. But it does, and he’s pretty mortified by that. “You don’t have to do that, okay?”

“Do what?” Jensen asks, looking up at Jared from under long eyelashes, aiming for innocent, but missing the mark by a lot.

“The bad porn script to pad my ego,” Jared says. “You don’t have to lie to me about…” Jared gestures vaguely at his dick, at Jensen curled up next to it like a nursing kitten, the whole damn situation. “This.”

“I don’t lie,” Jensen replies, shrugging. “Unless I’ve been instructed to. If I tell you you’ve got a nice dick, honey, it’s because you’ve got a nice dick.”

“Whatever,” Jared says, pressing his hands to his eyes. This whole thing is too weird, and he’s almost having second thoughts.

Until he hears Jensen ask, “How do you want me?”

Jared drops his hands. “Huh?”

“Do you want me on my back or on all fours or something else?”

“Want to see you,” Jared admits.

“We can do that.” Jensen smiles kindly, encouraging as he takes Jared’s hand and guides him forward onto the mattress. He lies back against the pillows at the head of the bed and spreads his legs. “I’m ready when you are.”

Jared licks his lips. “Do I have to, um? When I’ve done this before with guys…”

“I already opened myself up,” Jensen answers, anticipating the rest of the question to spare Jared the discomfort of having to ask it. “Unless you enjoy that step, we can skip it for convenience.”

Jared hesitates. “I can touch you?”

“Of course,” Jensen says. He smiles and takes Jared’s hand, pressing it against his chest. “You can do anything you want.”

It’s not true, of course, because what Jared wants right now, more than anything, is to feel the plush give of Jensen’s mouth against his own. That’s the only way this could feel normal, wanted, even though it’s not. A kiss would make that easier to forget; the absence of it is an unwelcome reminder. Maybe that’s the whole reason Jensen refuses it, to keep losers like Jared from getting too attached. 

But he’s committed to trying this once, to satisfying the curiosity Jensen stirred up when he whispered in Jared’s ear. And, after a few moments of reluctance, Jared does find pleasure in the smooth muscle of Jensen’s chest as he traces his fingers over the lines of Jensen’s pecs, his abs, the vee of his hips. It might be good acting after all, but Jensen is convincing in his eagerness, his breath coming faster as Jared tries to memorize him.

“Do you want me to touch you, too?” Jensen offers.

Jared shakes his head, still too focused on taking Jensen in. It’s been so long since he’s been with someone he wanted, and he’s never wanted like this.

Curious, Jared rubs his thumb over the nub of one of Jensen’s nipples, and to his surprise, Jensen gasps and arches off the bed, making a needy sound for the first time since Jared started touching him. Jared likes it so much that he tries it again, this time pinching Jensen between two fingers, and Jensen swears, thrusting up into nothing.

“You like that, huh?” Jared asks, more genuine curiosity than the confidence he’s used to having at times like this.

Jensen nods, letting his eyes drop closed, and then he admits, “They’re really sensitive.”

Immediately, Jared ducks down, taking Jensen’s other nipple between his lips and sucking it. Jensen, who had been perfectly passive until now, reaches up, both of his hands burrowing into Jared’s hair as he pushes Jared’s face onto his chest.

“Fuck, yes,” he says. “You are better at this than you let on.”

Jared licks a stripe over the sensitive skin and smiles when it makes Jensen whine. “And you,” he says as he moves on to the other side, biting this time before sucking Jensen gently to ease the pain. “Are every bit as easy as you let on.”

Jensen sounds delighted when he replies, “You know it.”

He lifts his head then and shifts so that he’s over Jensen, his dick resting against Jensen’s thigh. 

Jensen says, “Fuck me. I want you to,” before remembering the condom. That makes him blush as he rolls to the side and grabs the packet from the pillow where he’d left it.

“I’m a goddamn professional,” Jensen mutters, though whether he’s trying to remind himself or Jared, Jared’s not really sure. “Can I put this on you? Do you prefer to do it yourself?”

“Whatever is fine with me,” Jared says.

“Any excuse to touch that big dick,” Jensen replies as he tears through the wrapper and begins to roll the condom onto Jared.

When he’s finished, Jensen relaxes back against the pillows again and makes space between his legs for Jared. Jared takes his cock in one hand, lifting Jensen’s leg with the other as he pushes himself in. He’s glad for the position he chose as he watches Jensen’s face change. There’s no adjustment period like there always has been with other guys—Jared figures Jensen’s probably already been fucked enough times tonight that his body is used to whatever gets thrown its way—but there is a look of absolute peace on Jensen’s face as Jared bottoms out inside him. His eyes are shut and a long, ragged breath leaves him, and when he opens his eyes again, Jared can’t really read his expression.

“Gorgeous,” Jensen says. “Feels as good as it looks.”

Jared pulls back then and snaps his hips, and Jensen just smirks, not fucked stupid by the move like Jared is used to. He starts to set a pace, and Jensen keeps up easily, moving with him in a way that no one Jared has been with before ever has. Jared thought he liked that, always felt emboldened by how content his conquests were to take what he gave them, but as Jensen gives as good as he gets, Jared realizes how much he’s been missing out on.

It’s not long before he’s fucking Jensen almost completely out of his own control, more under Jensen’s sway than the other way around. Jensen keeps changing the rules with a simple shift of his legs or the clench of his ass as Jared pulls away, and Jared is blindly thrusting into him, chasing every amazing thing Jensen throws at him. He tries to keep his gaze on Jensen, to see if Jensen is as lost in what they’re doing as he is, but he can’t help turning his face into the calf of the leg Jensen still has slung over his shoulder, pressing his lips to it.

“I’m close,” he warns.

“Go on,” Jensen says encouragingly, putting a hand on Jared’s bicep and squeezing it. “Already so full of you. Give me everything.”

He drops his head forward and lets his orgasm wash over him with such a force that his thighs are shaking by the time he’s done. He drops Jensen’s legs and pulls out, falling to the side.

“Can I—?” 

Jared wasn’t raised in a barn. Before Jensen gets a chance to finish his question, Jared is already taking Jensen’s dick in his fist, collecting the precome at the head and smearing it down so that he can work Jensen to completion. It only takes a few strokes before Jensen bites his lip and starts to come, swallowing his noises like Jared might not notice he’s getting off as long as he doesn’t sound too happy about it.

As soon as he’s done, Jensen springs to his feet, removing the condom Jared was wearing and tying it off before walking to the bathroom and returning to Jared’s side after a few moments with a wet hand towel.

“I’m a full service lay,” Jensen jokes as he passes the wet fabric over Jared’s palms and soft cock with meticulous care. 

For his part, Jared just lies there and lets Jensen do what he wants, still too tired out to really process what his next steps should be.

“That was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life,” Jared says, more to the ceiling than to Jensen.

“I know.” Jensen drops the towel to the floor and takes a seat at the end of the bed. When Jared sits up enough to look at him, he puts a hand on Jared’s foot and smiles slightly, but he doesn’t look as cocky as Jared is expecting. Just matter-of-fact. “I told you I was worth it.”

“Sure, but I thought that was just marketing.” Jared huffs a laugh and doesn’t say what he’s really thinking. The truth is that, looking the way he does, Jensen doesn’t actually have to be very good at fucking. He could have just laid there and Jared would probably have come back for more, and he’s willing to bet that’s true for most of Jensen’s clients. But Jensen damn well earned his pay.

“I have a gift,” Jensen says, standing and crossing the room. Jared watches him step into his jeans, and then he picks Jared’s coat up off the chair where he left it, reaching into the pocket with the money Jared brought and counting out bills. “And I choose to share it out of the goodness of my heart.”

Once he has what he determines to be the right amount of cash in hand, Jensen rolls up the remainder and tucks it back into the coat. He folds his take and shoves it into his front pocket.

As Jensen puts on his too-tight shirt, Jared says, “You should just take the rest of the cash.”

“That good, huh?” he asks, smirking at Jared once he’s pulled the shirt over his head.

“Actually, I brought what I was willing to pay. I would have agreed to more if you’d asked for it.” 

“That a fact?” Jared nods. Jensen laughs at him, putting one hand on the door knob. “I guess we’re both shitty businessmen, then.”

“What do you mean?” Jared calls after him as Jensen opens the door and puts one foot out.

Jensen only half turns to look at him, but he bites his bottom lip like he’s got a great secret, then says, “I would have let you fuck me for a lot less.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the enthusiasm you guys have had for the first chapter of this story, guys! I am so excited for you all to hopefully enjoy this journey as much as I've enjoyed writing it! You will see another amazing new illustration in this chapter by [sweetheartdean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartdean/pseuds/sweetheartdean) who is 100% solely responsible for the entire scene existing (she asked if hooker!Jensen would wear makeup so she would know whether she should be drawing that, and I was like, "generally no but I guess I do need porn of that now") so please let her know how much you love the art [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/sweetheartdean). ^___^

Jared’s back before long. Of course he is. It’s a surprise to him when he decides he’s going to cave again just a few days later, but when Jensen sees him approach, he has that same knowing grin on his face before Jared even makes it to his corner.

He asks, “You free?” and Jensen laughs, says, “no, but I’m available” before taking Jared’s hand and leading him away. Inside the motel’s office, Misha places a key on the counter as soon as the door chimes to announce their arrival; Jared realizes then that the only person who wasn’t expecting to see him here again was him.

It stops feeling weird pretty fast. Turns out people are adaptive, and Jared is no exception. He’s seen his parents spend thousands of dollars on mediocre lunches, so dropping a few hundred bucks for the best sex of his life doesn’t feel like such an embarrassing habit after the first few go-arounds. It’s not like Jared needs the money, anyway. As long as no one recognizes him, there’s no harm being done.

Once he has a rhythm with Jensen, the taboo of the whole thing just makes it more fun. It’s safely rebellious, like the bus rides that led him here. In fact, fucking Jensen is kind of an insurance policy, a way to vent his urges and frustrations with someone he knows will never coexist in the world he belongs to. Now he can better pretend to be what everyone expects, and he feels slightly less suffocated every moment he spends in the spotlight, because there’s somewhere dark, neon-lit and dirty where someone knows who he really is, even if Jensen only knows one facet of that person.

His parents would be scandalized, of course, if they knew what was causing his sudden change of demeanor, but in their ignorance, they’re benefiting more than anyone. Jared’s mother keeps commenting on how present he seems since he got back from college, how charming he’s been at all her little fundraisers lately. Dad has started taking him to business lunches and meetings, listening when he chimes in with ideas as if Jared might actually have something to say. They like the son he becomes when the bulk of him is buried, and Jared can stay buried as long as it’s Jensen he’s burying himself in.

Better for everyone that he keep it up. So he does, and often. Often enough that they have a shorthand within just a few weeks, a pattern that starts with a familiar greeting and ends with sweat and come-stained sheets.

He finds Jensen, usually in the same spot he first saw him, leaning on the motel wall, and as he slides in next to him, he asks, “You free?”

Jensen always responds the same way he had the first time Jared asked him that, and the call-and-response helps to center Jared, makes meeting up with Jensen feel well-worn and comforting rather than shameful and awkward the way it had the first time.

Tonight, Jensen is smiling when he turns to look at Jared, and Jared’s entire existence falls away when he sees how bright and red those grinning lips are. “No, but I’m available.”

His lips aren’t the only thing that’s different. Whatever reaction Jared had makes Jensen glance down, ducking his head to try to hide, and that just makes it more evident that there’s dark purple eyeshadow on his lids.

Jared immediately puts a hand under Jensen’s chin and angles his face up to get a better look. Those long eyelashes of Jensen’s are even longer and thicker tonight with mascara, and the green of his eyes pops from the black eyeliner and purple coloring.

“Don’t say it,” Jensen tells him. His cheeks are rosy pink, but Jared has a feeling he would be blushing even without the help. “Do I look completely stupid?”

“You look beautiful,” Jared answers honestly.

“Ugh,” Jensen replies. “At least you didn’t say pretty. If I have to hear myself be called pretty one more time tonight, I’ll scream.”

“Noted,” Jared says. “Weird stuff?”

“Well, it’s not a Halloween costume I’m wearing ten days early for kicks.” Jensen shakes his head. “You should have seen the little outfit he had me in. So many frills.”

“I kind of wish I had,” Jared admits. He never would have thought a guy in make-up was something he’s into, but apparently his sexual interests are ‘anything, as long as Jensen is the gateway drug.’

“Look at you,” Jensen says, sounding oddly proud. “My sheltered rich boy, getting all kinky on me.” 

Jared is still too dumbstruck by Jensen’s new look, by imagining just what the little outfit the john had him wearing might have looked like, to say anything else.

When the silence goes on too long, Jensen must take it the wrong way. “I can wash it off before we fuck if it’s terrible. I won’t even start your hour until after I’m clean.”

“Don’t. You look seriously hot.” Jared loses control of himself for a moment in his desperation to keep Jensen like this, looking so sweet and so depraved all at once. He forgets that they’re still outside, that he could be spotted here, however unlikely. He pushes Jensen against the wall he’d been leaning on and grabs Jensen’s ass insistently. “What’d it look like, the outfit? A short little skirt for easy access, I bet.”

Jensen squirms in his grasp, but it’s obvious arousal more than a desire to get away. Jared’s fingers are sliding over slick, incredibly tight leather pants as he gropes Jensen.

“Jared,” Jensen says, putting a hand out on Jared’s chest to pause him. “You probably don’t want to do this here.”

Jared stares at his mouth as he talks, thinking it’s a real shame he can’t make a mess of it with kissing. Then again, there are other things Jensen could smear his lipstick on, and the thought of him on his knees, looking up from under those lashes, leaving his mark on Jared’s dick...

He’s never been the kind of guy to do something like this in public. But Jared is so tired of playing it safe. “Yeah, I do. I wanna fuck you,” he says. “I wanna fuck you right now.”

“God, yeah.” Jensen fists his hand in Jared’s shirt and starts dragging him out of the way. “Come on.”

They stop in an alley and Jared swallows hard, realizing why Jensen brought him here.

“What if someone—?” Jared starts asking, his momentary bravery flagging already, but Jensen’s hands are on his belt, opening his jeans just enough to get his cock out. He strokes it a few times before plucking a condom from his back pocket, tearing it open with his teeth and spitting the wrapper on the floor. Jared’s dick is wrapped so fast it makes his head spin.

Then Jensen steps back and shoves his own pants down to his ankles before pulling Jared toward him, placing Jared’s hands on his ass again. The instructions are clear, and Jared has completely lost sight of the fact that he’s supposed to be the one calling the shots. Jensen knows what he needs better than he ever could. This is the hottest thing that’s ever happened to him.

“Fuck me,” Jensen demands. “Jared, c’mon, fuck me.”

Jared picks Jensen up, pinning him against the wall for support and letting Jensen’s legs wrap around him, his leather pants still dangling from one ankle. The metal from Jensen’s belt buckle makes a jingling sound every time Jared thrusts, and he laughs when he has the thought that he might be more into the holiday season than usual this year if every bell reminds him of this.

Jensen buries his face in Jared’s neck, sucking at the skin there. Jared can’t imagine how this could feel good for him, his back slamming into a brick wall every time Jared goes too hard, but Jensen is moaning like, well, giving some truth to the expression ‘moaning like a whore.’

Jared takes one hand off Jensen’s ass to try to help get Jensen off, but Jensen isn’t a small guy, and trying to hold him up with just one hand proves more than even Jared is capable of. He staggers for a moment, flattening his hand on the wall, and Jensen’s foot drops to the floor to get them some leverage until Jared gets his grip right again.

“I can’t—” he says.

“That’s okay,” Jensen tells him. “It’s good. Fuck, it’s so good.”

Jensen loosens his arms from Jared’s neck and lowers one between them, jerking himself off. With the other, he teases one of his nipples through the thin fabric of his t shirt. It’s not surprising that Jensen comes almost immediately like that.

As soon as he finishes wringing himself through his orgasm, Jensen pushes Jared away.

“I didn’t finish,” he says. “Jensen, please let me fin—”

Jensen drops his legs to the ground, letting Jared’s cock slip out of him for a moment as he turns to bend over, pressing his face to the wall. “Finish, baby. Make it good for you. I couldn’t last like you can. Not with you fucking me like that.”

Jared is embarrassed by the sound that comes out of him as he looks at Jensen, so shameless in this filthy alley, ass on display, already wrecked from what Jared has done to him and begging for more. He’s back on Jensen in a matter of seconds, and Jensen knows his business, knew that this angle would make it feel even better for Jared, let him forget about holding Jensen’s weight and focus on nothing except fucking until he can’t anymore.

When he finishes, he comes hard, hard enough that he’s still humping Jensen lazily against the wall for a long time before his aftershocks finally end.

He pulls out, panting hard, and immediately rolls the condom off, tossing the evidence on the ground and tucking his dick back into his jeans before leaning against the brick, trying to catch his breath. He forgets himself enough not to cringe at how gross this wall he’s pressed himself against is. If it’s good enough for Jensen, it’s good enough for him.

Jensen doesn’t get to quickly cover up like Jared had. He has to bend all the way over, giving the alley behind them a marvelous show as he picks his pants up off the ground and tugs them back on, one skintight leg at a time.

“I like Pearl Jam,” Jared says as he watches clothing fall back into place and waits for Jensen to be presentable again. Jensen gives Jared a head tilt, like that came completely out of nowhere, so Jared points to his shirt. “The art on your shirt? It’s from Ten.”

Jensen glances down at himself and laughs. The shirt is old and worn, the album design faded, and Jared realizes the more he looks at it that the V cut and tight fit were probably intended for a woman.

“I bought it at Goodwill,” Jensen says, moving in on Jared and snaking his hands into Jared’s pocket. As he counts out cash, he adds, “But it’s honestly too cute how you go from fucking my brains out to trying to bond over music tastes in less than sixty seconds.”

He places what’s left of the cash Jared brought in Jared’s palm and turns his face away when he catches Jared staring at his mouth again. Maybe he’s done this makeup thing enough times to be able to guess by now how much of a mess he looks, because he brings his fingers up to his lips and rolls his eyes. “I’ve gotta go wash my face if I want to have any chance of landing another customer tonight. See what you do to me?” 

Jared watches him leave, feeling too smug about the way his walk is slightly off because of what they just did to care that Jensen teased him.

When he gets home two hours later, he passes his dad in the foyer. His father pauses to look at him for longer than Jared thinks the guy has ever bothered to pay attention to him, and Jared worries for a moment that he somehow gave himself away.

Instead, he gets an affectionate punch to the arm and a “that’s my boy” as the old man passes him. He doesn’t realize why until he’s upstairs in his room undressing and finds the mess of bright red lipstick stains on his shirt collar.

Jared knows the bus schedule by heart now, can time his travel just right so that he reaches his stop around the time Jensen and the rest of the people who work his block are starting to come out, striking poses carefully chosen to draw the eye while appearing innocuous enough that a cop couldn’t pin anything on them.

Today, Jared is apparently early, because he’s been wandering up and down the sidewalk for over ten minutes and still hasn’t spotted Jensen.

“Hey, Big Guy, you’re looking a little lost.”

Jared feels his cheeks color as he turns to the little blond twink suddenly glued to his side. He hates being acknowledged here, hates being seen here at all, in a place where it’s so glaringly obvious what he came for. There’s no question in the blue eyes behind the lashes fluttering up at him as the guy reaches out, curling two hands around Jared’s bicep.

“I’m Alex.” He leans back just enough for Jared to have a clear view of his highlighter green mesh tank top and tight fake leather pants, showing off what he’s trying to sell, but he keeps his grip on Jared. “Think I can help you find what you’re searching for?”

Jared smiles apologetically as he tries to take a step away from the kid. “Actually, I’m here for someone.”

“I bet you are. God, I hope it’s me,” Alex says. “I’m running a special tonight. Half off for anyone over six foot—if he’s anywhere near as big as he looks.”

“Bigger,” Jared hears a familiar voice say as someone tears Alex’s hands off his arm and shoves his way between them. “But you’re not really his type.”

Alex rolls his eyes and then looks back to Jared, still batting his lashes. Completely oblivious to how dead his chances—anyone’s chances—were the moment Jared spotted Jensen from that bus window. “Maybe we should let him decide.”

“He likes _men_ ,” Jensen snaps. “Not little boys with noodle arms.”

“I saw him first!” Alex insists. “There are _rules_ , Jensen.” 

“And he’s _my_ regular, so you can save yourself the humiliation next time.”

Jared shrugs when Alex looks between them, waiting for confirmation, and then purses his lips, looking sour. “You don’t have to get so possessive. I only wanted to borrow him.”

“Keep walking,” says Jensen. “Once I’ve got them, they stay got.”

“Variety is the spice of life,” Alex replies, winking at Jared before turning away. “You keep that in mind, Big Guy.”

“Big Guy,” Jensen mutters as they watch Alex retreat. “You’d expect a child to be a little more creative.”

Jared makes an angry cat sound, and Jensen laughs, looking up at him. “What, you think I’m gonna let that little thing walk off with my best customer and leave me to spend the rest of the night chasing deadbeats?”

“Best customer within earshot, at least,” Jared jokes.

Jensen quirks a grin, giving Jared a fond, gentle smack on the cheek. “Let’s call it ‘richest customer’ and leave it at that.”

He considers it for a moment as he follows Jensen to check-in, then asks, “Am I a regular? What’s the rule on being a regular? When did I become a regular and how often do I have to show up in order to keep my regular status?”

When they reach the door to the motel’s front office, Jensen turns and leans on the wall. “You’re pretty regular,” he says, arching an eyebrow. “In more ways than one.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about that,” Jared says. “I never thought of myself as a regular.”

He muses on it as he waits for Jensen’s answer. Until he heard Jensen refer to _him_ that way, Jared would have pitied anyone a hooker considered their “regular.” The word calls to mind images of balding middle-aged men with beer guts and red convertibles, so desperate to believe they’re still young that they’d pay some piece of ass half their age to pretend to want to fuck them.

Jared isn’t like that. A month ago, he never even considered paying for sex. He could have anyone he wanted for free, except that he wants Jensen. And, fuck, maybe that does make him pathetic, mooning over someone he knows he won’t ever have in any real way. But it’s just sex. It’s just unbelievably good, dependable sex. Jared couldn’t be having that any other way, not without being cut loose by his parents. And it’s not like he has a standing appointment or a steady night that he comes to see Jensen or anything like that. Jared doesn’t even manage to get out here every week, not with all the family obligations.

He does make up for that when his parents are out of town or are too distracted to pretend to care what he’s up to. On a good week, he finds himself requesting the stop outside Jensen’s motel two or three times. He’s happier when he’s sating himself on Jensen.

Okay, so maybe he’s addicted and maybe he should just get used to that. Hey, he can’t help it. Jensen has the kind of craveability artisanal coffee shops in Seattle couldn’t even dream of.

Instead of giving him any kind of response, Jensen holds his palm out and Jared obliges him, handing off some cash. He watches as Jensen takes the money inside and holds a short conversation with Misha before returning with the key to their usual room.

 _Their usual room_ , Jared catches himself thinking. That’s definitely the kind of thing a regular would have.

“If I’m a regular—” Jared begins.

“Jesus, god.” Jensen sighs, tossing his head dramatically as he begins to walk quickly toward the room, leaving Jared in his dust. “Here we go.”

“There should be some kind of reward program. For my loyalty. Apparently, I have choices on where to spend my money.”

“What do you want, a membership card?” Jensen offers. “How about a condom packet that we stamp each time, and once you’ve got enough punches, you get a free blowjob?”

“That actually sounds pretty good,” Jared replies.

Jensen huffs a laugh as he pushes the door open and drags Jared inside. “I’ll talk to my PR department about it next time I go in for a meeting.”

“How about just a kiss?” Jared suggests, shutting the door softly behind them.

He looks across the room at Jensen, hopeful, but the glare being leveled at him is a pretty definitive answer.

“How about you just fuck yourself?” Jensen replies, moving toward the door.

Jared catches him by the shoulders but immediately backs off when it’s clear that Jensen takes his blocking the exit as a threat.

“Don’t leave,” Jared says. “Please, I’ll drop it.”

Jensen hesitates for a moment, and finally his anger seems to pass. He crosses his arms over his chest. “You know the rules, Jared. Is it so hard to respect them?”

“You can’t blame me for being preoccupied with your mouth,” Jared replies, hoping to win back Jensen’s good humor.

To his relief, Jensen’s pout tilts up into a slight smile. “If it’s my mouth you want,” he says, pushing Jared until his back hits the wall and sinking to his knees. “You just had to ask.”

A part of him wants to explain that he’s looking for more than that, that he wants to taste Jensen and feel close to him more than he wants to get off. But his words get caught in Jensen’s throat.

_______________________________________________________________

Jensen emerges from Room 11 just as Jared is turning to head back to his bus stop. He’s walked up and down the block outside the Fallen Pines Motel enough times without seeing Jensen that he figured someone else already hired him, and it turns out he was right.

The first thing he spots is Jensen’s arm appearing in the doorway a moment before the rest of him becomes visible. He’s wearing an unbuttoned denim jacket with nothing underneath it, only it’s more of a vest now, because the sleeves have been torn off, leaving frayed edges over fully exposed arms. Jared recognizes those arms immediately, even from a distance. His mind starts filling in the details, all those freckles he knows are dotted along the pale skin, the definition of biceps so cut he’s pretty sure he could chip a tooth on them.

The very thought has his mouth flooding with saliva; Jensen has him very well-trained. And to think, he was about to leave without this.

By the time Jensen has a foot out the door, Jared is ready to rush him, but he stops when he sees the john emerging after Jensen, still handing off money.

Then, when Jared figures the transaction must be over, another person steps out in front of the client. The woman has platinum blonde hair and, although Jared has never seen her out on the block before, it’s pretty clear from her peach-colored latex outfit that Jensen isn’t the only person who was in that room on business.

The short dress leaves miles of long leg exposed, and sure, it does nothing for Jared, but he’s not as quick to judge now as he was that night he thought Jensen’s t shirt was _a little much_. He gets it now. Those torn off sleeves have him ready to do anything for a few minutes alone with Jensen. He’s willing to bet she does good business in that tight little skirt.

The woman is tall enough that she has to bend a few inches when she presses her mouth to the john’s, kissing him deeply as she takes her pay from his hand and slips it into the deep cut of her cleavage. The guy grins once she’s pulled away, watching both her and Jensen’s asses as they walk back up the block and looking very proud of himself indeed.

She must notice Jared observing the scene, because she struts with a little more purpose until she’s standing right in front of him.

“Hey there, gorgeous,” she says, curling her fingers in the collar of Jared’s shirt. “No need to look jealous. I’ve still got plenty of energy left for you.” 

Jensen stops a few feet behind her, but he stays at a distance, looking amused instead of the possessive way he’d fought that twink off the last time this happened.

“You really think he’s here to meet a nice girl?” Jensen asks, smirking at Jared as he angles his head down. “In those shoes?”

“That’s stereotyping,” she says, laughing when she turns her attention back to Jared. Whatever face he’s making as he looks at Jensen must be pretty transparent, because she immediately rethinks her approach. “You like Jensen, huh? He and I have a real good working relationship.” She hitches her thumb over her shoulder, indicating the room they just left. “That was one very satisfied customer.”

Jared tries to make a face at Jensen that says, ‘save me’ and after a few long moments, Jensen takes pity on him and does.

“Adrianne, let the nice man go,” he says. “He doesn’t have as varied of interests as our friend Rich.”

She sighs, letting her hands drop. “A girl can dream.”

“Dream all you want.” Jensen walks up to Jared, tucking a hair behind his ear and smiling at him softly. “This one’s Jensensexual.”

“Aren’t they all?” she replies, rolling her eyes. “Rich was straight before you came along.”

Jensen shrugs. “I’m universal, babe. You know that.”

The woman looks at Jared, dropping the sales pitch and speaking to him like they’re both members of the same club. “You know, I get it. I think I’d pay to fuck him if other people didn’t pay me to do it.” She gives Jensen a long look over and then winks at Jared. “I love my job sometimes.”

Jared laughs as she walks off. It’s not more than half a minute before she stops at the curb and a car immediately slows in front of her.

“She does alright without me,” Jensen says, smiling at his friend as she waves goodbye and hops into the passenger’s seat. Then he looks up into Jared’s face and licks his lips. “I do pretty okay, too.”

“Hi,” says Jared. “I’m glad you’re here. I thought—I didn’t think I’d see you tonight.”

“Oh, so you do still talk?” Jensen teases. “I was starting to worry your face got stuck like that, with your mouth hanging open stupidly.” He makes a pensive expression and then pokes Jared’s bottom lip. “Not that I couldn’t work with your dangling mouth.”

“It’s just that you—” He points toward the room Jensen was in and says, “I mean, and her. And that other guy.”

“It’s called a threesome, Jared, are you twelve?”

Jared snaps out of it enough to give him a glare. “I know what a threesome is. I just didn’t realize you, uh. Did that.”

Jensen laughs, apparently delighted by how naïve Jared is. “When I said I’d do weird stuff, did you think I drew the line at women? Or is it because he was short? I know, it’s terrible, isn’t it?” Jensen changes his tone to one that makes it sound like he’s breaking down something deeply sad for a child to understand. “Some guys are under six feet, Jared, but they deserve to be fucked just like anybody.”

“Okay, haha,” Jared replies. “I get it. Threesomes aren’t that adventurous for…”

“For what?” Jensen asks, raising an eyebrow and looking like he can’t wait for Jared to try to dig himself out of this one.

“For, you know,” he says, gesturing at Jensen with his hands. “People like you.”

Jensen sighs. “You’re exhausting, kid. So lucky you’re hot, rich, and hung like a walrus.”

“Isn’t the expression ‘hung like a horse’?” Jared asks.

“Walruses have way bigger dicks than horses,” Jensen informs him as he pulls Jared along after him. “And bones in them, too. Any loser can have a big dick. The same can’t be said for stamina.”

“Thank you, I guess,” Jared replies. “Though I’m not sure I want to ask how you know so much about walrus dicks.”

“Baby, it’s my business to know about dicks,” Jensen says. “All kinds of dicks.”

“Do you get a lot of walrus clients out here in central Texas?”

“Not yet,” Jensen admits. “But I like to have something to strive for. In the meantime, there’s you.”

“So just to get this straight, I rank higher than a horse but lower than a walrus on the scale of things you want to fuck?”

Jensen laughs, shoving at Jared flirtatiously as they reach the motel check-in. “You’re really dumb, you know that?”

Jared grins. “Hey, I’m smarter than a walrus.”

“You are,” Jensen tells him, patting Jared on the shoulder as he pushes the door open. “Be proud of that.”

He’s so focused on Jensen that he follows him right into the office, even though Jared usually prefers to stay outside, as unobserved as possible.

“Your friend from out of town is back, I see.” Hearing Misha is the only thing that reminds Jared anyone but Jensen is here, and he startles a bit as he looks up, just in time to watch the guy slide a key to Jensen. “Business or pleasure?”

Jared feels his face flush and Jensen immediately jumps in with, “Both.”

He grabs Jared and pulls him out, and Misha shakes his head at them as he turns his attention back to the book in front of him.

“What’s he always studying for?” Jared asks, glancing back toward the office. “Isn’t he a little old to still be in school?”

Jensen lets go of Jared and gives him a glare. “Misha’s really smart, actually. He has kids he looks after all day and works nights so that he can take classes for the degree he always wanted after his wife gets home from work. And you’re mocking him? How many jobs did you have to balance in order to put yourself through college?”

“Sorry,” Jared says. “That was fucked up of me. I didn’t realize—”

“You didn’t realize not everyone gets to ride the bus all day because they’re bored,” Jensen says, cutting off Jared’s excuses. “Why would you, right?”

Jared watches him push the door to their room open, feeling shitty because just the fact that Jensen is able to call him out like that is proof that Jensen listens to him, and Jared is suddenly realizing that, for all the times he’s fucked Jensen, he’s never once given the guy a chance to talk about himself.

Trying to be more thoughtful, he asks, “Do you take classes too?”

“Not since I quit high school,” Jensen replies, tossing the denim jacket he’d been wearing onto a chair. “You about done pretending to care now?”

“I do care,” Jared says quietly.

Jensen finally turns to look at him. His expression isn’t angry like it had been, but it’s not the seductive smirk Jared is used to seeing when he’s half naked like this. More than anything, it looks like he feels _sorry_ for Jared.

“There’s no reason you should care,” he says. “No reason I should answer your questions, either.”

Jared sits on the edge of the mattress, slumping a little. “You’re upset.”

“No, I’m not upset,” Jensen says, rolling his eyes. “Let’s just do what we came here to do, huh? What did you want tonight?”

He’s not sure anymore if he should ask for what he was planning to request, but Jensen takes the spot next to him on the mattress and turns Jared’s face toward him. They’re so close now that Jared can feel when Jensen breathes, and Jensen smiles encouragingly.

“I was thinking we could…” It feels foolish to push any more when he’s already upset Jensen so much. Even if Jensen is back to acting like it never happened. So he shakes his head. “Forget it. Never mind.”

“Hey, c’mon,” Jensen says, putting his hand on Jared’s thigh and squeezing it. “Talk to me.”

“That woman you were with earlier. She kissed the john when she was leaving.”

“So?” Jensen asks. “What’s your point?”

Jared licks his lips and stares directly at Jensen’s. “How’d he get that?”

“Adrianne kisses clients. Lots of us do. Some of us don’t.” Jensen shrugs. “There’s stuff she won’t do that I will. Everyone makes their own rules.”

“Why kissing?” Jared asks. “Why’s that where you draw the line?”

“Remember how I said I don’t have to answer to you?” Jensen’s annoyance is clear from his tone, and Jared knows he should just shut up.

But he can’t help himself. It’s become an obsession. “If she does it—”

“Did you want to go with Adrianne?” Jensen asks. “Because I can still set that up for you.”

“What happened to you going all attack dog on anyone that tries to steal my business?”

“Did you want me to set you up with her?” Jensen asks again, calling Jared’s bluff.

“No, but—”

“Right, it’s me you want, so you follow my rules.” He shrugs. “That’s just how it goes.”

Jared is quiet for a long moment, because he knows he shouldn’t say what he’s about to say, but of course it comes out anyway. “I wouldn’t have gone with him, either.”

“What?”

“That kid whose head you nearly bit off last week for trying to get me to pick him up,” Jared clarifies. “He wasn’t any more of a threat to you than she is.”

Jensen gives Jared a long, unreadable look. Then, in the blink of an eye, whatever was passing over him is gone and the expression on his face is the cockiness Jared has learned to expect from him. “Obviously. I’m just that good.”

“You are,” Jared agrees. “I’ll pay anything for a kiss. What would it take to get you to kiss me?”

“Okay, you know what?” Jensen stands up, looking around for his jacket. “We’re done here.”

“No, don’t. Don’t go, Jensen. It was just a question.”

“A question I’ve answered before. Multiple times. And yet you keep bringing it up.” Jensen slips one arm through his jacket. “You have any idea how uncomfortable a guy like me gets when a guy like you can’t take ‘no’ for an answer?”

“I’ll pay you $5,000,” Jared says. “$5,000 to kiss me.”

Jensen stops in the middle of getting dressed and looks at Jared like he’s completely lost it. “You’ve never not gotten what you want a single time in your whole goddamn life, have you?”

“Not if money can buy it,” Jared replies. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out the stack of bills he brought, setting it on the nightstand for Jensen to see. “You can count that if you want.”

“Five grand.” Jensen stands frozen where he is, and Jared watches several emotions pass over his face as he considers it. Jared has no idea whether Jensen is about to say yes or refuse to ever work for him again, but it’s too late to take it back now, so he sits calmly and waits for what feels like an eternity.

Finally, Jensen walks over and picks up the money, counting through it multiple times before he says, “I’m not the kind of hooker people pay this much, Jared.”

“Why not?” he asks. “You’re worth it, to me. I want to kiss you. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m willing to compensate you for breaking your rule. All you have to do is kiss me one time.”

Jensen sets the money back down and closes his eyes, like he’s bracing himself for something terrible. Then he sits where he was before, right next to Jared on the bed, with their legs pressed against each other.

He slides his hand gently into Jared’s hair, cupping his face as he pulls Jared in. Jared closes his eyes as soon as he feels Jensen’s lips touch his and lets out a sigh when he realizes they’re every bit as soft as he’s dreamed they would be.

If he was concerned Jensen might half-ass this because of his hesitance, that concern is instantly stomped out. Jensen is as much a professional in this as he is in all things, and he earns every cent Jared’s paying him. The kiss is long and Jensen goes deep, pulling Jared closer and climbing onto his lap as his tongue slides over Jared’s. Jared reaches up, pressing his hands to Jensen’s bare chest, where Jensen’s heart is hammering under his palm, and Jared is thankful that Jensen never got around to buttoning his jacket. Jensen’s breath shudders as he pulls away.

Jared worries briefly that that will be it, that he’ll have cut the kiss short by touching, but Jensen dives right back in for more, biting Jared’s bottom lip so that Jared gasps in surprise, opening up to him again. He feels every bit as close to Jensen as he’d hoped and the intimacy makes his body light up like it’s on fire. Jared is starting to get hard, and when he moves his hand to Jensen’s thigh, it’s obvious that the feeling is mutual.

And yet, that’s when Jensen pulls back, just enough to see Jared’s face. Jared can only imagine how flushed his cheeks must be, that his eyes are dark with lust, his lips still parted breathlessly, trying to recover from Jensen’s kiss.

Jensen swallows hard and nods at whatever he sees, and then he rises to his feet, breaking Jared’s hold on him. 

“That was incredible,” Jared says. “God, Jensen, you’re incredible.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Jensen answers. His words sound off, cruel and indifferent, and it’s a shock to Jared after how true that kiss had felt, like falling into a cold pool on a hot day.

He watches Jensen cross over to the table and take the money before he turns toward the door.

“Wait,” he says. “I still have the regular amount. For us to—”

“You know what the best part of this is?” Jensen asks, raising the wad of cash so that Jared will look at it before he shoves it in his back pocket. “It’s that now I can afford to not fuck you tonight.”

Just like that, he leaves, letting the door slam shut behind him.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared’s not a complete idiot. He knows he fucked up. He doesn’t know why what he did upset Jensen, why Jensen didn’t just turn him down for the kiss like he has so many times before if it bothered him so much, but he gets that he’s probably not Jensen’s favorite person in the world right now.

He gives it a few days. As many as he can. Jared can’t stay away forever.

When he spots Jensen from the end of the block, it’s like a strong dose of medicine. Everything that’s been sitting on Jared’s shoulders since their last encounter—his parent’s expectations, his pent-up emotions, the guilt he doesn’t understand enough to get past from what happened last week—all evaporates. The only thing left is a yearning that can be easily satisfied with the contents of his wallet. Things are simple with Jensen. One little mistake can’t ruin that.

Except that, as soon as he’s near enough for Jensen to see him, Jared watches Jensen’s expression dim, instead of the excitement that’s usually in his face when he sees Jared. And even if that was all for show, the fact that Jensen isn’t bothering to perform right now is disheartening, to say the least.

“Hey,” he says, as soon as he’s near enough. Hoping to drum up some of their old banter, he adds, “You free?”

“Not for you,” Jensen replies, before dismissing him with a turn of his head as he takes a long drag from a cigarette.

Jared doesn’t let that deter him. “I’m willing to renegotiate our rate, if you’re available.”

“Of course you are. Money has no value to you. Neither does anything you buy with it.” Jensen turns to Jared and flicks the lapel of his coat with his free hand. “It’s all just stuff to you.”

“Not all of it,” Jared replies. He reaches out, trying to take Jensen’s hand, but Jensen snatches it back.

“Yes, all of it.” Jensen contemplates the embers as he ashes his cigarette, then looks down the street and sighs. “Does look like I’m available, though, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Jared says, hopeful. “C’mon, Jensen. I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you so much. I won’t ask you to kiss me ever again, I swear.”

“You don’t even—forget it.” Jensen drops his smoke and stomps it out. “Let’s just go.”

As he’s saying that, a car pulls up and blinks its headlights, and Jensen immediately looks relieved. The way he used to look when Jared arrived.

This time, he rushes right past Jared as he hurries toward the car, and Jared tries to stop him by catching his wrist. “I was here first!”

Jensen shrugs Jared off. “You came here on a bus. He’s in a car. Do the math.”

Laughing, Jared says, “It’s not like I can’t pay, regardless of how I got here.” He gestures at the john in the car. “You _know_ I’ll pay more than that guy.”

“Learn the meaning of ‘no,’” Jensen tells him. “Or I’m done with you. For good.”

Jared feels himself frowning. “I can. I will. It’s just that I really need—”

With his hand on the passenger side door, Jensen says, “Kid, what you need more than anything is a little disappointment in your life.”

_______________________________________________________________

The next time Jared goes to see Jensen, he comes prepared. He’s the one posing on the corner tonight as he waits, leaning in a way he hopes looks casual against the shiny polished black surface of a perfectly preserved vintage car.

He knows the stunt worked when he sees Jensen at the center of a pack of four other workers as they all approach the motel for the start of their night. Every single one of them stops, looking from the car to Jared as they wait to find out who he’s waiting for. One of them whistles, which makes Jared laugh and Jensen turns to his friends, waving them off.

Jensen approaches Jared—or rather, he approaches the car. His eyes move over every inch of the 1967 Impala with obvious interest, but he never spares a glance at Jared. “Goddamn, this is a sweet ass car.”

“She’s my favorite in my dad’s collection,” Jared tells him. “You said you didn’t want someone who came on a bus, right?”

“You turn missing the point into an art form,” Jensen says, laughing as he meets Jared’s eyes. He bites his lip and looks back down, flattening his palm on the hood. “This is a _nice_ car though.”

“Don’t you want a ride?” Jared asks, waggling his eyebrows when Jensen rolls his eyes at the come-on. “In the car, I mean.”

Jensen’s face lights up like he’s just gotten the best idea of his life. “Can I get a ride in the car while we ride in the car?”

“Wherever you want, if you’ll just give me another chance,” Jared promises. “I’ll even let you drive.”

He can tell that Jensen is about to say yes, but just then, the sound of a siren and flashing lights interrupt the moment.

The group Jensen had arrived with are all huddled around, yelling and gesturing dramatically as a cop pins one of them against the wall, apparently mid-arrest. Jensen looks panicked, from his friends to Jared, clearly trying to decide what to do. 

To Jared, it seems like a close save; Jensen would have still been with them if not for him. And while he wants nothing more than to tell Jensen to jump in the car so they can get away without risking arrest, Jared knows Jensen won’t do that to his colleagues. He’s observed Jensen enough to see how he looks out for the people around him. More than once he’s risked losing business by asking a client to wait while he stands with a friend, facing down aggressive johns. He remembers how Jensen had jumped to Misha’s defense when Jared thoughtlessly insulted the guy, not even hesitating despite the fact that doing so could have cost him a lucrative customer. Even if he can’t really do anything to help them, he’ll go get his dumb ass arrested, too, just because it’s right.

“Sorry, I—” Jensen says, hitching a thumb over his shoulder.

Before he can finish making his excuse, Jared nods, squeezing Jensen’s shoulder as he says, “Leave it to me.”

Jensen shakes his head and tries to grab Jared and pull him back. “I don’t know what you think you’ll accomplish, but he’ll arrest your prissy ass, too.”

“No, he won’t,” Jared says. He looks down at the ground and adds, “And even if he does, it’ll be much worse for them than for me.”

Reluctantly, Jensen releases his grasp and Jared strides across the parking lot, hoping he looks more confident than he feels. By the time he reaches the cop car, the first guy Jared saw the officer handling has already been shoved in the backseat and a small blonde woman is currently holding her wrists out sourly, waiting to be cuffed.

“Evening, officer,” Jared says to the policeman’s stocky back. “Awfully nice night, isn’t it?”

The guy turns to him and the girl, who now has a handcuff around one wrist, looks at Jared like he’s an idiot. Jared grins, hoping to put her mind at ease, but she and the small group behind her, which now includes Jensen, just watch him with their eyebrows arched to varying degrees.

“I’m a little busy right now, son,” the officer says.

“I see that,” Jared looks down, reading the nametag on his shirt, and continues, “Officer Beaver, is it?”

“You got a crime to report?”

“No,” Jared says. “In fact, I don’t think there’s any crime going on here at all.”

Beaver doesn’t seem too impressed with Jared’s investigative skills. “I’ve got a group of solicitors here and if I were you, I’d have a pretty good answer for what you’re doing hanging around, or I might just go ahead and add you to my line of arrests for the night.”

“Where’s the victim?” Jared asks, turning his head in every direction as if he’s searching for an injured party.

“Victim?” Beaver repeats.

“Victim?” the girl he’d been in the process of arresting echoes furiously.

Jared holds a hand up to try to quiet her and turns his focus back to the officer. “They haven’t hurt anyone, have they?”

“Well, no, but the law’s the law and—”

“Me, personally, I have some experience with their services. A lot of experience, actually. And I _certainly_ don’t feel victimized.”

Jared sees Jensen in the back of the group, dropping his face into his hands when Jared says that.

“That’s a confession,” Beaver says. “You’re next.”

Jared reaches into his pocket and brings out his wallet, fanning a few hundred dollar bills so that the officer can see that it’s no small amount of money before placing it in the guy’s palm. “How about instead you let that nice man in your car and this little lady go and don’t poke around the block again unless one of them comes looking for help.”

“Are you trying to bribe me?” Officer Beaver asks, his chest puffing up.

“Bribe,” Jared replies, feigning insult. “Of course not, Officer. I’m an enthusiastic supporter of law enforcement, just looking to reward a hardworking man for helping to stop _real crimes_.”

The officer stands there for a moment, considering. Jared can see that he wants the money, but he’s nervous about risking his position. That’s an easy enough worry to put to rest.

He smiles the way his mother taught him to greet her guests at fundraisers and puts an arm around the cop’s shoulder, overly familiar, leading him a few feet away and lowering his voice.

“Officer Beaver, how about you and I make a deal? You take this money home for your trouble tonight and look up the name Padalecki. See how much my family donated at the last Officer’s Ball. And if you decide I’m not the kind of person you want putting in a good word for you after that, you know where to find me and what to arrest me for. Otherwise, if you look out for my friends, keep your co-workers off their backs—you seem past due for a promotion.”

“Always have wanted to be a detective,” the old man mumbles. He looks up at Jared. “You think you could swing something like that?”

“You’re not thinking big enough,” Jared tells him. “Connections like mine could do a lot for a man’s career.”

Beaver clears his throat and nods, turning back to the group huddled by his car. He immediately undoes the one cuff he’d put on the girl.

“Obviously there’s been a mistake here, folks,” the officer says. “You’re all free to go.”

“Free to go?” the blonde girl asks.

“That’s right, and I’m awful sorry to have bothered you, Alona.” Beaver coughs. “I thought you were someone else. Wanted for…” He looks over to Jared and winks. “A real crime.”

She shoves him away once he’s uncuffed her. “You know damn well who I am. You been busting me for bullshit for six years, pencil dick.”

Beaver doesn’t reply to her aggression or the blow to his manhood. Instead, he reaches into the backseat of the squad car, leading the man out with considerably more gentleness than he’d had shoving him in there.

Delighted by the lack of response from the officer, the rest of the crowd chimes in.

“He does have a little dick,” the other girl in the group replies and Jared recognizes Adrianne. “God knows I’ve had to deal with that ugly scene enough times.”

“Does explain all that overcompensating,” says the man standing next to her. “I’ve never had the misfortune, personally.”

“Count yourself lucky, Aldis,” Adrianne tells him. “I’ve been carrying a magnifying glass in my purse the last few months, just in case I need to find it.”

“Would you all shut up?” says the guy who had been in the car before. “I _just_ got out of cuffs.”

“Nah, look at him,” Aldis says, gesturing at Beaver as he continues to pretend he can’t hear the men and women mocking him. “He’s been castrated.”

“Yeah, Matt, calm down,” Alona agrees, apparently nowhere near as rattled by her own brush with the law. “He just _thought you were someone else_ is all.”

They all pause their insults for a beat as they watch the officer open his car door and wait to see if he’ll actually leave. When he does, the stunned confusion of the group turns from the officer to Jared.

He shrugs. “I don’t think you guys are gonna have any more trouble like that for a long time.”

“No shit,” says Alona. “No cops? We don’t even have to blow them anymore?”

“Was he gonna make you—?” Jared begins to ask.

“Oh, honey.” The guy who had been mid-arrest—Matt—walks toward Jared. “You are just too sweet. Saving me like that. So cute and clueless. I like a little innocence in a man. Gives me something to ruin.”

Jared swallows hard, because the guy is broad, a 1950’s bad boy vibe to his features that he seems to be playing into with his jet black hair slicked back and a white t shirt so tight James Dean would have blushed at it. He’s seriously hot. Jared would have gone for him in a second under different circumstances. Things being as they are, all he can think is that Matt’s stunning green eyes don’t hold a candle to…

Jensen cuts to the front of the crowd and grabs Jared’s arm, pulling him away. “Okay, that’s enough excitement for one night. Let’s you and I get back to that car of yours and I can show you how much I appreciate what you just did for us?”

“I gave him all the cash I brought,” Jared admits gesturing to the police car pulling away from the corner. “I don’t imagine we can count that as my payment for the night?”

Jensen stops mid-stride, giving him a flat look.

“That’s a no,” Jared guesses.

Grinning, Jensen tells him, “It’s a no for tonight. But.” He rises to his toes and gives Jared a quick peck on the cheek. “Next time you come around, I promise to let you out of the dog house.”

Jared had been so worried when he got here that Jensen would never let him near again, so instead of feeling disappointed that he won’t be getting laid tonight, he has to restrain himself from dancing for joy. That bribe was money well spent if it made Jensen forgive him.

“You can have me for free,” Matt calls out from a few feet away.

“Careful,” he hears Aldis say. “Alex told me that queen gets all kinds of bitchy over his tall, dimpled prince charming.”

“Wouldn’t you?” one of the girls, Jared thinks it’s Alona, asks.

“I get bitchy over everything,” Aldis replies, shrug evident in his tone.

Jensen huffs a laugh and glances over his shoulder at his friends. “I have to…”

“Yeah, go punch that clock.” Jared licks his lips, calling after Jensen, “I like your friends.”

Jensen turns, walking backwards across the lot so he can face Jared a few moments longer. “Only because they like you.”

“About time someone does,” he jokes.

“You don’t pay me to like you,” Jensen tells him, but before the response gets a chance to sting, he adds, “See? Some things I do for free.”

_______________________________________________________________

“Baby, there you are! I missed you!” Jensen’s face lights up brighter than the unseasonably early string of Christmas bulbs strung over the Fallen Pines Motel’s balcony as he races in Jared’s direction. “How are you, my love?”

If Jared had any illusions about Jensen’s feelings for him, he might feel a tiny stab of disappointment when Jensen passes right by him, but he’s more amused than anything by the affectionate display as Jensen stops in front of the Impala and awkwardly tries to hug the car.

“Has Jared been taking good care of you, beautiful?”

He chuckles. “Jared can hear you, you know.”

“Oh, hey, Jared,” Jensen says, turning to face him. “I didn’t even see you there.”

“Hilarious,” Jared replies flatly, and Jensen grins as if to agree that he is very funny. “Are you free?”

“No, but I’m available,” Jensen answers on cue. His smile gets a touch darker as he adds, “And for the owner of this car, I’m both cheap and easy, too.”

“Sounds like my lucky night then,” Jared says as he opens the passenger side door for Jensen, like a real gentleman.

Jared does get lucky that night—in fact, he gets lucky more than once. Jensen’s head is in his lap almost as soon as they pull away from the motel, and when he finishes, he makes good on his promise to let Jensen drive.

Jensen finds a classic rock station and blasts music Jared normally wouldn’t care for, singing along to almost every song with a gravelly voice that Jared finds weirdly soothing. He loses track of how long it’s been, utterly unworried that Jensen is probably taking him for a spin, drawing this out longer so he can charge more.

Eventually, they stop in an empty parking lot out behind a shuttered Blockbuster that apparently never found a new owner. Jensen reassures Jared that it’s fine, he comes here with clients all the time, and coaxes him into the backseat. Then he drives Jared with just as much enthusiasm as he had the car.

_______________________________________________________________

Jared spends his Thanksgiving in a hell of family negotiations and business dealings. He isn’t able to get away from his parents long enough to scream his frustration into a pillow, let alone to do anything that actually matters to him.

By the end of it, everything is in place, and dates are set for announcements to be made. Jared has until New Year’s Eve to pretend he’s got a choice in anything, and after that, everything will be public. The rest of his life will be dull workdays and even duller parties with the absolute dullest of company on his arm.

He needs to live the next month like he’s dying, because most of him is. More than anything, he needs a little peace of mind, and there’s only one person in the world that gives him that.

When he pulls up to Fallen Pines, he’s scanning the block for Jensen before he’s even put the car in park. He knows most of the folks who work this corner from brief interactions while waiting for or talking to Jensen, so he knows who to ask when he doesn’t find Jensen out where he should be.

None of them have seen him today, and the ones who know better than to offer themselves instead promise to let Jensen know he was looking if they do, but that’s not enough. Jared needs relief tonight. He needs the bliss that will allow him to forget his entire life. And he _needs_ Jensen to get there.

After half an hour spent searching with no luck, Jared gets desperate. There’s only one person he hasn’t asked that might know, so Jared pushes through his discomfort with being spotted here and shoulders the door to the motel check-in open, wincing at the loud chime announcing his presence.

Sure enough, Misha is sitting behind the counter, buried in some political science textbook with the Capitol building on the front cover. He lets it drop when he hears a customer and looks up at Jared tiredly.

“Yeah, what?” he asks. “You need a room?”

“Not yet,” Jared replies.

Misha raises his eyebrows for a moment before picking his book up again, but before he can resume his studying, Jared interrupts.

“I’m looking for Jensen,” he says. “Have you seen him? Maybe with a clien—or, um, another friend?”

At that, Misha seems to take a moment to actually look at Jared and realize that he recognizes him. “Oh, right. You’re Jared, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Jared admits, even though it makes his skin crawl a bit. At least Misha knowing who he is means that this could lead to Jensen. That’s worth his discomfort right now. “Do you know where he is?”

“I know where he is, but…” Misha pauses scratching the back of his neck and looking like he’s considering something very carefully. Finally he says, “Jared. He talks about you.”

“He does?” Jared replies, surprised enough to lose sight of his endgame for a moment. “What does he say?”

“Well, if he didn’t say it to you, I’m not sure it’s your business,” says Misha.

“Fair enough.” Jared drums his fingers on the counter, remembering why he’s here. “Look, can you tell me where to find him or not?”

“Hmm,” Misha replies unhelpfully.

Jared doesn’t have the patience for it right now. “Okay, you know what? Never mind. Thanks anyway.”

“I’ll tell you,” Misha says. “But if he’s not happy to see you, you didn’t find out from me.”

“Sure, whatever,” Jared agrees. He’d agree to anything right about now.

Misha tells him to look for Jensen at a bar around the corner called Elta’s, and Jared is reassured to see Oscar curled up by the door, waiting loyally, when he approaches. Hopefully, that means Jensen is either inside or the dog knows to expect him there soon.

Once he gets past the security guard pretending to check IDs out front, Jared pushes the white wooden door open to find that Elta’s is a fairly standard dive, with purple neon lighting, a pool table, and a long bar. There’s a stuffed peacock sitting on one shelf, which is a little unusual, but aside from that, it’s a mirrored back and lines of liquor, exactly as one would expect at a joint like this. It reminds Jared of the places he used to frequent in college. He hasn’t set foot in a bar like this since coming home, and he feels like it’s a refreshing ‘fuck you’ to his parents the moment he looks around.

Best of all, sitting at the counter, talking to a redheaded bartender who’s bending over the bar to hear, is Jensen. Jared swallows hard, already feeling better just from seeing him.

Jensen is wearing an unusual outfit, or rather, it’s unusual how normal the guy is dressed compared to his usual campy fashion choices. Right now, he has on a plaid shirt that may be red or may be brown, Jared isn’t sure because of the bar lighting, and a regular pair of jeans. The jeans look pretty tattered, but none of the tears are strategically placed to show off skin.

It’s bizarre how ordinary he looks, and Jared stays frozen for a moment, staring at him. He has the awful realization that he never thought of Jensen as a regular person like this, as someone who exists outside of the context of sketchy motel rooms and parking lot fucks. Now he can’t help wondering what it might have been like if he’d met Jensen here, if it had been like one of those boys he picked up in bars like this back in college.

He shakes his head, hoping to dispel those thoughts, and makes his way across the bar to take the stool next to Jensen’s. The place is mostly empty, Tuesday night not exactly a busy one for a bar like this, so Jensen takes notice of someone arriving. Briefly, Jared wonders if this is another spot Jensen does business, if he was just waiting for a potential client to show up, but the way he stares at Jared when he recognizes him makes it pretty clear he wasn’t expecting anyone familiar.

“I’ll have whatever he’s drinking,” Jared says when the bartender turns to look at him. “And add his to my tab.”

The woman raises an eyebrow, glancing over at Jensen for an okay before agreeing to anything.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Jensen says. “Sorry, man. It’s my night off.”

“Night off?” Jared asks, shoulders slumping with disappointment.

“Let me guess,” Jensen says, turning to face him completely. “You didn’t realize a guy like me had nights off.”

“Well, no, I didn’t,” Jared admits. When Jensen scoffs and turns back to his beer, he says, “But I’m glad you do.”

Jensen swallows the drink in his mouth before saying, “You just wish it wasn’t tonight, huh?”

“Can’t blame a guy for being hooked,” Jared replies. “You did hook me on purpose.”

Jensen laughs at that. “True enough.”

“Can I buy you a drink?” Jared asks. “I’m sorry I just barged in here and assumed like that. But I would really like to, if it’s okay.”

Jensen hesitates for a long moment before giving the waiting bartender a subtle nod, and she smiles, going off to get Jared’s order.

“Look, I appreciate the drink and all, but don’t think it’s going to get you anything,” Jensen tells him. “I’m really not here to get picked up.”

“I get that,” Jared says, hoping his voice doesn’t sound as sour as he feels. “I’m sure the last thing in the world you want to do on your night off is talk to me. I’ll fuck off. But do let me cover the drink. For bothering you. And as a thank you for…um. You know. What you do.”

Jensen laughs, putting his hand on Jared’s thigh to stop him when he tries to stand to go. “Hold on. You can at least drink your beer before you leave.”

Jared only feels a little pathetic for how much hearing that cheers him up. He immediately drops back onto the stool. He’s like an attention-starved puppy, the way Jensen allowing his presence makes him a little bit happy, despite the mood he’s been in for the last week and a half. If he had a tail, it would be wagging right now.

“So, how’d you find me?” Jensen asks.

Jared licks his lips, remembering Misha’s request. “That depends. Are you happy to see me?”

Jensen huffs a laugh. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“Best to be safe, then,” Jared replies. “Would you believe I just wandered in here?”

“Misha told you, huh?”

“Misha told me,” Jared confirms.

Jensen shakes his head and finishes his beer. “Thinks he’s real smart, that Misha.”

“You think he’s smart, too,” Jared says. “Remember? You told me so.”

Grudgingly, Jensen nods. “Still could stand to mind his own business.”

“Don’t be upset with him,” Jared tells him. “I was pretty pushy. I guess I missed…”

“It’s been a minute since I saw you around,” Jensen says, a merciful subject change considering the admission Jared just nearly made. He pauses and throws a “thanks, Danni” to the bartender when she sets down Jared’s beer along with a fresh one for Jensen and asks if there’s anything else they need, and then he smirks at Jared. “I bet your family had one hell of a spread for Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah, you could say that,” Jared replies, frowning at the reminder of how he spent his holiday.

“Sensitive subject,” Jensen guesses.

“I’m just stressed,” Jared admits. “Honestly, I was hoping to work it out tonight.”

Jensen considers that for a moment, then takes a long swig from his beer. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand as he sets it down, looking Jared over closely. “Buy me another drink,” he says. “Let’s see where it goes.”

“I thought it was your night off.”

“When you love your job, you never work a day in your life,” Jensen replies, winking.

They have a couple more drinks between them, shooting the shit and making dumb jokes, until Jensen drains his final one, setting it on the bar. He calls out as he stands, grabbing his coat off the back of his stool, “Danni, can you close out Jared’s tab?”

“Wait, what?” Jared asks. “You’re leaving?”

“You’ll be no use to me if you have another drink.” Jensen puts a hand on his shoulder and leans in, whispering, “You better tip her well. No one holds a grudge like a redhead.”

Jared hurries to drop several bills on the bar top without waiting to hear how much he actually owes. “Are you sure? Even though it’s your off night?”

“It is. Doesn’t mean I can’t get laid if I feel like it.” Jensen smiles at whatever idiotic, slacked-jawed expression is on Jared’s face and adds, “There’s a room upstairs. Danni lets me have it when there’s no one renting it. What do you say? You’re in no condition to drive, and safety is my number one priority.”

Jared follows Jensen through a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY to a narrow staircase and climbs to the second floor in a bit of a drunken haze. The room Jensen opens and drags him into is more of a supply closet than a bedroom, but Jared has been on Jensen’s bad side enough times to know better than to say so out loud.

There’s just hardly enough room for them to stand with the small bed tucked into one corner and the set of drawers against the opposite wall and he can hear the music still playing in the bar downstairs.

Jared can’t help his stupid mouth as he says, “You live here?”

“Only when I get lucky and it’s available,” Jensen replies, already shucking clothes. 

His immediate thought is to ask what unlucky looks like, where he stays the rest of the time if _this_ is a score, but Jared manages to hold that in as he glances around the room one last time before turning his attention back to Jensen.

He’s already half naked. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to top tonight.”

Jared laughs at that, but Jensen stares back in a way that makes it pretty clear he’s not joking.

“But I always top,” Jared points out.

“You’re usually the boss,” Jensen says. “Tonight is kind of different.”

Jared frowns. “I thought you liked how I fucked you.”

“You think I’d be throwing away my night off if I didn’t like how you fuck me?” Jensen asks. By now, he’s down to boxers, and he takes a seat on the bed. “But I spend most of my week getting fucked. Sometimes a guy wants a change.”

“I don’t,” Jared says. “I mean, I’ve never…”

“That’s okay,” Jensen replies, reaching out for Jared. The room is small enough that he doesn’t have to sit up much to get one hand on each of Jared’s hips. “I’ll walk you through it. You know I’ll make it good.”

Jared hesitates, because…well. It’s not like he’s never been curious. And if he was going to try it, Jensen is the only person he’s ever let himself fantasize about doing it with. But there’s still a hang-up, a part of him that feels like doing _that_ would be a step too far. A little slice of his brain says it’s _too gay_ to let a man fuck him in a way that fucking other guys wasn’t. Like it’ll somehow make him a bigger disappointment, which is stupid, because it’s not like his parents would stop to ask questions before kicking him out of their lives.

He hates his parents. Hates what they expect from him. He wants Jensen. It should be an easy choice. The whole point of getting out here tonight was supposed to be to escape the blueprint they made for his life without allowing any input from him.

“I can tell that you’re not comfortable with this,” Jensen says. “That’s okay, Jared. I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”

“So I can fuck you?” he asks.

Jensen shakes his head. “You can leave. Or you can let me fuck you. Those are the choices tonight. If you don’t want what I want, that’s fine. You know where to find me. I’m off again tomorrow, but Thursday through Monday, you call the shots.”

“You don’t understand,” Jared says, sinking to sit next to Jensen on the bed. “I really, really need to get off tonight.”

Jensen moves slowly, so Jared has plenty of chances to stop him if he wants. He puts his hand on Jared’s thigh, like he had down at the bar, and says, “Jared, I’ll get you off. When was the last time I didn’t come before you? It feels so good, getting fucked. You should try it. Even if you don’t with me tonight. Try it someday, with someone you trust, before you decide you don’t like it.”

“I trust you,” Jared admits stupidly. He drops his voice to a whisper as he says, “And I do want it.”

“I know, kid,” Jensen says, passing his fingers softly through Jared’s hair. “You’re pretty easy to read.”

He turns to look at Jensen. “I need you so much tonight. You have no idea.”

“Let me give you every inch of me,” Jensen whispers, lips pressed so close to his ear that Jared feels them move. Then Jensen bites lightly at the shell, sucking at Jared’s skin until Jared is too turned on to remember what the hell he was waiting for.

“Okay,” he says, hardly a breath. “Yeah. Fuck me.”

Jensen pulls Jared’s shirt off over his head with enthusiasm and then starts to work on his pants, shifting while he does it so that Jared has room to get on the small mattress and spread out his entire body. Jensen strips Jared’s pants and underwear off at once, stopping only to admire Jared’s legs and say something about how many times he’s thought about being wrapped up in them.

That makes Jared drop his head against the pillows and by the time he opens his eyes again, Jensen is standing by the bed, completely naked. He’s holding a bottle of lube in one hand and a condom in the other.

“Have you ever been opened up?” Jensen asks. “With fingers or a toy or anything?”

Jared feels his face burning as he admits, “N-no. Nothing in, um. I’ve never put anything…”

“That’s okay,” Jensen says, cupping Jared’s cheek gently. “Hey, that’s okay. Nothing to be embarrassed about. We’re gonna try it, and if you want me to stop at any point, you just tell me, alright?”

Jared nods as Jensen moves closer to the bed.

“Here, turn over. As much as I love those long legs of yours, I think it’ll be better if you start on all fours. That’ll make it easier for you.”

Obediently, Jared rolls onto his stomach and then lifts himself up. He waits for some kind of sign from Jensen, and he gets it within a minute or so, when a cool, slick finger presses softly against his hole. Jared clamps his eyes shut, waiting for the intrusion, but nothing happens.

“Gotta relax for me,” Jensen murmurs behind him. “You’re not going to like this if you’re tensed like that.”

Jared takes a deep breath and does his best to relax all of him, and the next time Jensen touches him, he releases his muscles as much as he can manage. Jensen pushes in then, and Jared can tell it’s only one finger, but it’s _weird_.

“That okay?” Jensen asks.

“Yeah, I think?” Jared replies. “It doesn’t feel, like, good.”

Jensen’s only response is a deep laugh, and then he crooks his finger.

“Fuck!” Jared swears, his limbs all shaking under him. “Fuck. What the fuck?”

Jensen does it again, that same incredible spark flaring through him for much too short a time. He needs something to make it last longer. He needs to really feel it.

“More,” he says. “Jensen, please. More.”

“That’s what I thought,” Jensen jokes, pulling out and pushing back into Jared with a second finger added. “How’s this?”

He touches that spot again, and it’s a little better this time, but Jared still can’t stand how the sensation seems to vanish before he can really enjoy it. He pushes back onto Jensen’s hand and Jensen leans down over him, resting his face on Jared’s shoulder as he begins to work Jared open in earnest.

“That’s good,” he says, petting his free hand over Jared’s hair. “Knew you’d be such a good boy for me. You have no idea how much I’ve thought about this. Your ass is incredible, Jared. Noticed it the first time you undressed.”

Everything Jensen is saying is making Jared melt inside. The thought that Jensen really, truly wanted him has his body aching to be full of Jensen, to earn all this praise Jensen is heaping on him.

“Fuck me,” he begs. “Jensen, do it. Fuck me.”

“Slow down,” Jensen says with a soft laugh. “I promise I’m gonna take care of you.”

Jensen continues to finger Jared for what feels like an eternity, the pleasure both too much and not nearly enough, until finally he pulls his hand away, and Jared hears the rustling of a condom packet.

“Remember what I told you, okay?” Jensen says as he prepares himself. “You have to be relaxed for me, or this isn’t going to feel very good at first. Just let me…”

Jensen’s cock finds Jared’s hole and Jared closes his eyes in anticipation, but he makes an effort this time not to tense anything else. When Jensen breaches him, it’s a lot at once, and Jared whimpers, a little bit in pain at the stretch.

Ever the conscientious partner, Jensen slows to allow Jared to adjust, moving in inch by inch until Jared feels Jensen’s body flush against his back.

“Can I move?” Jensen asks. “Jared, I really need to—”

“Yeah,” Jared says. “Fuck me. Just.” He bites his bottom lip. “Go slow?”

“Of course.”

Jensen gets a grip on Jared’s hips and delicately pulls out before pushing back in. This time, Jared knows a little more what to expect, and he finds that he doesn’t hate the friction as Jensen fucks inside of him. When Jensen finally pushes in far enough to hit that spot, this time with his thick cock, Jared shifts to give him more access, and Jensen takes that as permission to move a little faster.

He keeps his pace methodical, but begins to thrust with more force, and Jared finds that he likes the sensation of fullness more than he could have expected. He didn’t realize it would feel like being closer to Jensen, even more so than when he’s been inside. Jared knows how pathetic it is, but he’s never felt this cherished by anyone. He lets out a gasp that’s nearly a sob when Jensen’s dick finds him just right again and pushes back, trying so hard to make it last forever. 

“You doing okay down there?” Jensen asks, and his voice is infuriatingly even, the playful lilt easy. “I can’t tell if you like it over all the moaning.”

“Fuck,” Jared says with some effort. “You.”

“Another time, maybe.” Jensen rests his face on Jared’s shoulder as he eases into him and Jared can feel his grin. “I don’t think you’ll have it in you tonight.”

Jared, overwhelmed as he is by what Jensen’s doing to him, has more pent-up frustration than Jensen probably expects, and when Jensen strokes his hand down Jared’s thigh and curves it around, trying to grip Jared’s dick, Jared catches him.

“Please, don’t. I’ll come.” He bites his lip and tries to hold back a cry when Jensen fucks into him, but the pleasure that rips through him breaks past his lips anyway. “Not yet. Can’t yet. Need more. Please, Jensen. Please. Don’t stop.”

“Take as good as you give,” Jensen whispers, raising his arm from Jared’s dick and pushing sweaty hair off Jared’s face instead. “God, you can last, can’t you? Always make me work for it. So fucking good like this, Jared. Knew how hot you’d be taking it. Fucking knew it.”

Jensen starts moving a little faster, and Jared gets the sense that he doesn’t even know he’s doing it, like he can’t hold the gentle pace he’d set. Jared won’t complain, though. He’s grown comfortable with the push and pull and finds himself shoving back to meet Jensen, bringing them together faster and deeper, so the spark he’d felt the first time Jensen touched his prostate becomes a steady blaze burning through him.

The tension and regret Jared has felt coiling through him for the last week have no chance of surviving this, not when Jared feels like he’s being shaken loose from his own bones. 

They stay in step for what feels like hours, until finally Jensen’s thrusts lose their finesse, his hips snapping rougher and less predictably, and Jared can feel him trembling, trying to hold back.

“Touch me,” he says, grabbing Jensen’s hand and wrapping his own around it, leading it back down between his legs. “I’m close, too.”

“Thank god,” Jensen says, grunting as he gives Jared another good, hard fuck and takes his cock in hand, stroking the length just twice before Jared has to brace himself against the force of his orgasm.

He feels it move through him, building from his ass and his dick but ending in his toes, which literally curl in the cheap bedding under him. The force of his climax is so intense that he’s a little embarrassed to realize when he comes out of it that Jensen finished too, without him even realizing.

Jensen is pulling out as Jared begins to take stock of where and who he is again, remembering the squat room this life-altering fuck took place in and wondering if he should feel a little sad that a first like this was with someone who doesn’t want to know him, in a place that smells vaguely like the bar food served downstairs.

Instead, he remembers that a first like this happened just weeks before it’ll probably never happen again, and the satisfaction settling throughout him begins to sting, a reminder of what he’ll never have for more than a dirty, fleeting moment at a time, if he’s lucky. This is what he’s giving up. This is what they’re taking from him. He shuts his eyes while he tries to distract himself from those thoughts, not wanting to humiliate himself by crying.

“Hey, you still awake in there?” Jensen asks, laughing as he does so. “Don’t fall asleep on me. This bed isn’t big enough for two.”

Jared grimaces at the wake-up call and sits up, turning his face away from Jensen in case it still shows too much. “Right. I should go.”

“Are you okay?” Jensen asks. “You don’t—I thought you were into it, but if I—”

“Don’t,” Jared says. He bites his shaking bottom lip and takes a long breath before turning to Jensen, finally confident he can hold himself together. “Don’t apologize. It was incredible, and I’m really glad we did it.”

“Yeah?” Jensen’s smile is instant, bright, and Jared would bankrupt his parents if all the money in the world would make it okay to kiss him. “Thanks for taking a chance on it. I needed that.”

“Not as much as I did, believe me.” Jared stands, reaching into his coat and taking out the cash he’d brought for Jensen tonight. “There’s no nightstand in here. Is the pillow okay?”

Jensen’s expression falls, his eyebrows drawing together. “What?”

“For your payment,” Jared clarifies, dropping the money. “We usually leave it on the nightstand, but—”

“It’s my night off,” Jensen says, looking from the money to Jared.

Jared laughs. “Yeah, I remember. I guess I should slip in a little bonus for working despite that.”

Jensen frowns, picking the money up and holding it out to Jared. “You don’t pay for what we just did. I thought I made it clear I was doing what I wanted with you because I wanted to.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Jared insists, pushing Jensen’s hand back. “If you liked fucking me enough to do it for free, I would never pay you.”

“That’s a pretty crass way to look at what I do,” Jensen replies. “If I only deserve to get paid for doing my job when I hate it.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Jared wipes his hand over his face. “I don’t understand the problem. I came here looking to get off, you got me off. You were supposed to get the night to yourself and I interrupted it. Just take the money. You earned it.”

Jensen drops his hand, letting the money fall on the mattress, and looks away from Jared. “Yeah, okay. I get what this is. I thought we were having a good time, but…forget it.”

“Jensen, if I said something wrong, I’m sorry,” Jared tells him. “I’ll keep the money if that’ll make you fe—”

“Do me a favor, would you?” Jensen asks, dismissing Jared’s apology before he even finishes making it. “Leave through the back and let Oscar up when you do. He should be waiting for me.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll do that,” Jared says, hesitating by the door. “But I don’t want you to be upset with me. If you’re upset, can we just talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Jensen replies. He lifts his head and gives Jared a sharp smile. “You’re right. You’re my customer and I gave up my night off. You paid me, so we’re even. What’s there to be upset about?”

“You just seem…”

“When I’m with someone I want, I kiss them,” Jensen says, and he looks perfectly composed, so Jared isn’t sure if that was supposed to feel like a dagger. But he flinches when he hears it, and Jensen’s smiles eases, like seeing that his comment landed makes him that little bit less heated. “I didn’t kiss you tonight, did I?”

“Would you have kissed me?” he can’t help asking. “If I hadn’t screwed up?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Jensen looks at Jared and shrugs. “I’m never kissing you again.”

“I know I deserve that,” Jared replies. “If I could take it back…”

He leaves it there, realizing he can’t get the lie out, and trying desperately to find something to say to ease the atmosphere.

Eventually, Jensen comes to both of their rescue.

“Hey, it was good and all, but we’re done here, so…” He smiles, holding up the money and he seems to be past whatever was hanging between them before. “Thanks for the extra spending cash, man. The holidays are a bitch.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a lot of porn tonight, y'all. Like a lot of porn. Just, like. Like a lot of porn.

The next time he goes to see Jensen, Jared is a bundle of nerves. He waits until Jensen has shut the motel room door behind them to take a seat at the end of the bed, keeping his eyes carefully glued to the floor.

Jensen must sense his anxiousness, because he doesn’t begin immediately undressing like he usually does. Instead, he takes a seat on the foot of the mattress next to Jared, not forcing Jared to look at him but placing his hand over Jared’s on his thigh, coaxing him to relax.

“You’re quiet tonight,” he observes. “Is something the matter?”

Jared smiles a little bitterly down at his hands and thinks of how much is crumbling, how little time he has left to enjoy things he isn’t brave enough to find the words to ask for. “I want…”

“Yeah?” Jensen says, encouraging him with a hand in Jared’s hair. “You name it.”

That’s just the problem. He swallows hard and says, “I want to ask for something. But I’m scared.”

It’s not easy to miss the way Jensen’s body freezes next to him, and he realizes what Jensen must think. He expects Jared to demand a kiss again, and he’s already tensing up in self-defense. Jared knows he deserves to have the worst assumed of him, so it’s not like he can take it personally.

More to reassure Jensen than anything, he finally finds the courage to say, “Can we do it like we did last time?”

Jensen’s laugh isn’t ill-natured. It’s more of a bark of relief, and he cups Jared’s face, making Jared turn to look at him. “Hey, of course, sweetheart. Whatever you want. You’re just going to have to remind me what position we were in last time you fucked me. It’s been a few weeks.”

“No, not…” He licks his lips and can feel himself blushing as he says, “At the bar last week. When you, um. I want you to do that to me again.”

“Oh, _Dimples_ ,” Jensen says, the old nickname resurfacing. Jared meets his eyes, intending to correct him, but the way Jensen says it, chocolatey sweet and warmth in his expression, melts him. “You _do_ care.”

Jared laughs, ducking his head and shoving Jensen away lightly. “Shut up.”

Instead of letting Jared push him, hurrying to his feet to undress and get started, Jensen lingers for a moment. He slots his face into Jared’s neck, taking a long breath before trailing his lips against Jared’s skin, the pressure lasting just long enough that Jared thinks it might have been a kiss.

“I’m gonna take such good care of you,” he promises. “You don’t ever have to be embarrassed with me.”

Feeling emboldened, Jared reaches for the buckle on Jensen’s pants and says, “I want to face you this time. Even if it’s not as easy.”

Jensen smiles, turning as he stands in a way that flips Jared onto his back on the bed and digging his fingers deep into Jared’s thighs. “These legs wrapped around me and those pretty eyes of yours to get lost in? Did Christmas come early for me this year or what?”

_______________________________________________________________

Jared laughs as he approaches Jensen tonight, taking in his over-the-top outfit. Jensen is wearing a huge, fluffy, pastel pink faux fur coat with no shirt under and bright red hot pants.

He can’t resist the urge to tease Jensen long enough to start with his usual opening line. “This outfit is a lot, even for you.”

When Jensen turns toward his voice, his face lights up brighter than Jared’s ever seen it, his eyes unfocused but his smile wide.

“Jared, thank _god_ ,” he says. He reaches out, about to grab for Jared, and stops short. “You’re here for me, right?”

Jared laughs. “I always am, aren’t I?”

“Great. Good.” Jensen’s expression seems relieved and he snatches Jared’s hand, immediately pulling him towards the motel. “Come on. I’ve already got a room.”

He follows along easily enough, a little thrown by Jensen’s strange behavior but happy with where it seems to be leading.

As soon as they’re alone in the room, Jensen starts tossing his clothes off, the coat landing softly on the floor and the red pants joining it seconds later. No underwear, which isn’t surprising— Jensen rarely ever has any on—but it still makes Jared’s breath catch.

While he watches Jensen strip, Jared takes in the state of the room. It’s pretty clear there’s already been a lot of activity here. The bed is rumpled and there’s a used condom dangling over the side of the trash can in the corner.

“You okay?” Jared asks as he sets his coat down on the armchair and begins to work off his tie. “You seem a little, uh. High strung tonight.”

Jensen turns to him, naked down to his feet now, and makes a whining sound. “You’re still dressed,” he observes. “Why are you still dressed?”

“It’s been like half a minute,” Jared responds, but before he’s even done making his excuse, Jensen is on him, working off his belt and zipper with such impatience that Jared reaches down to undo the button on his pants just to be sure Jensen doesn’t tear it right off.

“Need to get fucked,” Jensen mumbles as he works, tugging Jared’s pants and boxers both down past his ass. “Please, need you to fuck me. Now.”

Before Jared has a chance to finish getting his shirt off or shaking away his pants, Jensen pulls Jared’s body flush against him and steps back, dragging them both onto the bed.

“C’mon, baby, get hard for me,” he begs. “Let me have that big cock.”

“Fuck,” Jared curses, instantly lost in Jensen’s pleas but trying hard to hold onto reason. “Jensen, we need a condom.”

“Condom,” Jensen mutters. “Right, condom. You touch yourself. I’ll find a…”

He rolls over, giving Jared a spectacular view of his ass, and starts digging through the messy bedsheets until there’s a crinkling sound. Jared does as instructed, not really needing to stroke himself very much considering what’s in front of him.

“Good, so good to me,” Jensen says when he turns his attention back to Jared and sees that Jared is more than hard enough to fuck him. He slips the condom onto Jared’s dick and continues murmuring, “Always so good to me. No one fucks me like you do. God, I need it.”

“Come and get it, then,” Jared tells him.

Immediately, Jensen is on his back, legs spread wide, and he’s guiding Jared down on top of him, into him. Once Jared is inside, Jensen doesn’t suddenly learn patience. He immediately sets the pace, rocking hard into Jared.

“Fuck me,” Jensen demands. “Hard, Jared.”

Jared slams in, driven by Jensen’s desperation, by some innate need to please him, no matter what he’s asking for or why. He thrusts faster and with more force than he’s ever used on anyone, and Jensen immediately melts under him, groaning with satisfaction whenever Jared fucks in and just lying there taking it, seemingly too lost in the pleasure to perform the way he usually does.

Despite that, it’s perfect. Jared takes joy in how needy Jensen is right now, because it makes him feel like Jensen needs him. That’s not something he should want, he knows, but he can’t let himself worry about it too much right now. He has to take care of Jensen.

“That good?” he asks, hammering Jensen as hard as he can, because he knows Jensen can handle it. “Do you feel good?”

“S-so damn good,” Jensen replies. “Been close for hours and I don’t think I can—”

That’s when something truly unexpected happens. Jensen throws his head back and cries out loudly, and Jared watches as a string of come falls on Jensen’s stomach, as his cock begins to leak with nothing blocking Jared’s sightline.

“Holy fuck,” he breathes. “Are you—?”

“Fuck me, fuck me. Don’t stop fucking me.” Jensen is writhing on the bed under him, his eyes rolled back in his head, out of his mind as he grinds on Jared’s dick, trying to keep up the right pressure while he comes untouched.

Jared just stares, not expecting the way watching Jensen finish with only his cock stimulating him makes his own orgasm well up almost immediately. He loses his rhythm, finishing sloppily and falling on top of Jensen, forgetting that there’s still wet jizz between them and laughing when he feels it on his stomach.

Not in any hurry to get out and onto the next job the way he usually is, Jensen lies under him, holding Jared’s ass with one hand on each cheek, keeping him buried deep as his dick begins to go soft.

Finally, he releases Jared, bringing his hand up to Jared’s hair instead. Not doing anything to stop Jared when he presses his lips to Jensen’s neck, sucking the skin between long, open-mouthed kisses.

“I’ve never made anyone come like that,” Jared admits when he pulls away and looks Jensen in the face. “It was a Christmas miracle.”

Jensen laughs. “Felt like one to me. You showed up just when I needed you. Thought I was gonna die if I didn’t get off soon.”

“Yeah.” Jared smiles, ghosting his way down Jensen’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. “What was all that about anyway?”

“Ugh,” Jensen replies. “Had a group of businessmen out here earlier, sharing me after a lunch. Celebrating closing some big deal. There were four or five of them. Who keeps track? Anyway, they all were taking turns fucking me, but all that wine and red meat—they were pretty sluggish. It was just enough stimulation to keep me horny and not nearly enough to get me off. For hours. And of course, no one thought to take the time to give me a hand.”

“That’s shitty,” Jared says. “I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it was whatever. They paid pretty well and it’s their call whether I come or not. Many of my clients don’t really give a lot of thought to my pleasure, and why should they?” Jensen bites his bottom lip and grins at Jared. “Still, you can imagine how nice it was to see one who always does.”

Jared knows he’s blushing as he smiles, trying to find a way to tell Jensen that there’s nothing hotter to him than the thought of making Jensen feel good.

Before he has a chance to, Jensen sits up. “Anyway, I’m really sorry for being so bossy and, uh, unprofessional tonight. You can leave half of the usual amount.”

“You kidding me? I should give you a bonus.” Jensen lifts an eyebrow, expression clearly questioning, and Jared clarifies, “For the ego boost. You really made me believe you wanted it.”

Jensen sighs, climbing out of bed and stepping into his pants. “It wasn’t an ego boost. It was genuine. How many times do I have to tell you I don’t lie about that?”

“I guess I couldn’t hear you over how loud those pants are,” Jared replies.

Huffing a laugh, Jensen picks up Jared’s coat and removes his wallet. “I’m taking half for the fuck and the other half for the smartass comments.”

“That’s fair,” Jared agrees easily. “And you’re welcome.”

_______________________________________________________________

Tonight, Jared spots Jensen standing by the curb, smoking a cigarette while talking to someone. When he turns away enough for Jared to get a good look, he sees that it’s Matt, the guy whose arrest he’d prevented the night that cop came sniffing around.

He’s not above checking them both out as he walks closer, remembering that Matt had been pretty hot that first time they met and forming a new plan for his night. The two of them make quite the pair, Jensen in a black see-through button-down shirt and jeans that have so much of the leg cut out that they’re almost irrelevant and Matt dressed like an 80’s aerobic Ken doll in an electric blue frat tank with arm holes so large most of his chest peeks through and short, equally bright pink basketball shorts.

“Hey, you free?” he asks once he’s close enough.

Jensen looks over at him with a smile on his lips as he puffs on his cigarette, which he lowers from his mouth to answer. “No, but I’m available.”

“I’m free,” Matt jokes. “Not that you care.”

Jared puts an arm out to stop him as he moves to step away from them and says, “Do you kiss?”

Matt raises an eyebrow, seeming intrigued. “Baby, for you I’ll do a lot more than kiss.”

“How much?” he asks.

Pursing his lips and tilting his head to the side, Matt looks from Jensen to Jared and back again, like he’s trying to calculate something. Finally he says, “Fifty.”

“Wow,” Jared replies, turning to Jensen as he laughs. “He’s way better priced than you.”

“Yeah, I bet he is,” Jensen says, tone icy, and the look he gives Matt is even colder.

“Jensen,” Jared says. “I thought—”

“You want him? Really? Instead of _me_?” Jensen rolls his eyes and raises the cigarette back to his lips. “You two have a nice night. You’ll crawl back to me next time. Enjoy your _bargain_ in the meantime.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jared replies. “I want _both of you_.”

Jensen’s mouth drops open in an “oh” and the cigarette nearly falls out of it. He catches it just in time and dumps it on the ground, stomping it out.

“You do threesomes, right?” Jared teases. “I think I remember something about that being mentioned once, only that time it was me with my mouth dangling stupidly.”

“Aww, kiddo, I just didn’t think you had it in you,” Jensen says, recovering from his surprise. “I’m so proud of my vanilla boy, dipping his toe into the deep end of the pool.” He puts a hand on Jared’s chest and gives Matt a smile that seems to double as an apology. “That’s all my influence, you know.”

“I’m sure you’ve been very instructive,” Matt says, his own expression amused and obviously not holding a grudge for Jensen’s initial reaction. He seems more interested in making sure this deal goes through and wastes no time before he gestures toward the motel. “Shall we?”

Jensen leaves Jared’s side to walk by his friend and lowers his voice enough that Jared doesn’t think he’s supposed to hear the conversation.

“Hey, sorry I called you cheap,” he tells Matt.

“I am pretty cheap, though. Especially for someone who looks like…” Matt tosses a glance over his shoulder and grins at Jared before continuing in a whisper, “Aldis was right, huh? You really do get jealous over that one.”

“I wasn’t _jealous_ ,” Jensen insists. “Just protecting my financial interests.”

“I’ve seen you send johns packing on a slow night because your dog looked at them funny.”

“My dog knows what he’s talking about,” says Jensen. “Anyway, this one’s a big spender and he’s _mine_.”

“Noted.” Matt hangs back as Jensen goes into the motel office to secure them a room, and he gives Jared a sly look, acknowledging that he knows Jared was eagerly listening in, as soon as they’re alone. “He was totally jealous.”

“It’s like he said,” Jared replies. “I’m easy money.”

Matt moves closer. “And he’s still charging you, huh? That’s silly. The things I’ve heard about you…” He bites his bottom lip and bats his eyes at Jared. “It’s hardly work, is it?”

“He talks about me?” Jared asks. He glances toward the office, where he can see Jensen talking to Misha through the window. “Or are you just trying to butter me up so I’ll throw my money at you instead?”

“I know when I’m the guest star,” Matt says. “You and him have it bad.”

Jared shrugs. “One of us does.”

Before Matt says anything else, Jensen is pushing his way through the door, giving them both a suspicious look. “You bitches been gossiping about me?”

“Nothing that isn’t already written on every bathroom stall for ten miles,” Matt replies, throwing Jared a wink. 

They make their way to their room and as soon as the door closes, both Jensen and Matt look to him.

“Alright, boss,” Jensen says. “What’d you have in mind?”

Jared takes a seat on the bed, pointing to Matt. “This outfit. I can’t look at it a moment longer.”

Jensen throws his head back, laughing like Jared just made his night, and Matt has no problem slipping out of the loose tank. Once he pulls the shorts down, he exposes a bright gold pair of underwear, and when Jared sees the money tucked into them, it all clicks. The themed outfits, James Dean last time, Reagan-era yoga instructor this time…

“Are you a stripper?” he asks.

“Why?” Matt replies, thrusting his golden bulge in Jared’s direction. “You wanna know where to come see me dance sometime?”

“Not really. It just explains…a lot.”

“Stripping is my full-time job,” Matt tells him. “Hustling is my side hustle.”

“That’s a pretty literal way to take that,” says Jared.

Matt shrugs. “When I finish a shift early, or I’m under on tips, or, you know, have to pay for a million Christmas presents, I pick up a few lucky johns. But I can afford to give out freebies when I feel like it.”

“That’s enough advertising,” Jensen says, cutting in. He turns to smile at Jared. “I know you’d rather watch me strip.”

Jared shakes his head and gestures from Matt to Jensen. “Undress him.”

Matt moves forward as instructed and begins to work the buttons of Jensen’s shirt open at a pace that makes sure Jared has time to appreciate each new inch of skin as it’s revealed. Obviously, the guy knows his craft.

Jensen stands still and lets Matt expose him, but his eyes are fixed on Jared’s. Jared holds his gaze as he relaxes back on the bed, pulling his shirt off over his head as he goes.

Matt rounds Jensen once the shirt is fully open and slides it off his shoulders sensuously from behind. His hands move down Jensen’s chest slowly, drawing Jared’s gaze, until they settle over the top of Jensen’s jeans.

“Reach into his back left pocket and get me a packet of lube,” Jared instructs.

“I can—” Jensen begins.

Jared cuts him off. “You just stand there and look perfect.” Jensen lifts an eyebrow and Jared laughs. “Like that, yup. You’re doing great.”

By now, Matt has done as instructed. He tosses the pellet to Jared and it lands next to him on the bed, giving him a moment to lift up and tug his pants off before grabbing it.

Jensen’s jeans are open now, Matt sliding his hands in and, of course, there’s no underwear beneath the denim to stop him from touching Jensen. He uses one hand to push the jeans off the rest of the way, while the other gets a tight grip on Jensen’s cock.

It’s only half hard, but that’s okay, because Jared wanted a show, anyway.

“Get on your knees for him,” he tells Matt. “Suck him until he’s ready.”

Immediately, Matt circles to stand in front of Jensen again, and he quickly falls to his knees, not wasting a second before taking Jensen’s shaft in hand and wrapping his lips around the head of Jensen’s cock.

“Is that okay?” Jared asks. “Does it feel good?”

Jensen nods, letting out a long sigh when Matt begins to take him deeper. He hasn’t broken eye contact with Jared once. “So good.”

“Looks good,” Jared tells him. His fingers are wet with lube now, and he realizes that he feels a little foolish. He’s never done this for himself, always had Jensen’s experienced hands to work him open. He starts with two fingers, eager to get to the main event, and moves slowly at first, trying to get used to the feeling, the twist of his own wrist.

Like Jensen, Matt has kept his eyes on Jared, even as he’s been focused on sucking Jensen. Jared’s always thought it was hot the way guys looked into the camera in porn while they went down on someone, and he finds the intensity of having that stare focused only on him even more thrilling.

But it’s nothing compared to how Jensen’s breath catches every time Jared fucks in and makes himself jolt with the pleasure.

“Fuck, Jared,” Jensen says, grabbing Matt’s head tightly as he hitches his hips. “You have any idea what you look like right now?”

Jared feels his face heat up and hopes Jensen isn’t noticing the pink splotches he gets on his cheeks when he blushes. “Like a complete rookie?”

“Like a good boy who’s been utterly corrupted.” Jensen grins, clearly pretty happy with himself. “My sweet, slutty boy I made. You want more now, huh? Like the idea of two of us.”

Jared nods, spreading himself wider and plunging a third finger in. “J-Jensen.”

“Have to stop,” Jensen says, twisting his fingers in Matt’s hair and tugging him off his cock harshly. “I’ll come too soon if I keep watching you. With his mouth.”

He angles his head down at Matt, who’s watching him from the ground with his head pulled back, his throat exposed, looking completely used and like he’s got no problem with the way Jensen’s handling him.

“Yeah,” Jared agrees, pulling his fingers out and wiping them on the comforter. “Both of you, come here.”

They obey, and Jared is instantly surrounded on both sides, two sets of hands on him.

“Tell us what you want, baby,” Jensen says, his voice soft and encouraging, so damn comforting to Jared that if there were any chance he might be uncomfortable or overwhelmed with this, it evaporates.

“Wanna get fucked,” he admits.

“I can do that,” Matt replies.

“ _I_ fuck Jared,” Jensen responds, taking Jared’s hand and placing it on his dick. “Isn’t that right? Got me so hard, just how you like me. I know how you take it.”

“Only you,” Jared whispers. “Only want that from you.”

“What should I do?” Matt asks. “I could ride you while he—”

“Kiss me,” Jared says simply. “Kiss me while he fucks me.”

“Okay,” Matt replies, sounding a little confused but going along with it.

Together they ease Jared onto his back and Matt curls up at his side while Jensen crawls onto him, positioning himself between Jared’s legs, where he belongs.

While Jensen rolls a condom on, Jared closes his eyes and pulls Matt in. When their lips touch it’s—not quite right. This isn’t how Jensen kissed. But it’s deep and steady and when Matt licks into him, he can taste precome on his tongue. He can taste Jensen.

Then Jensen moves, and he can feel him, too.

For a long time, they keep that up, Jared lost in his delusion. Matt’s hands cupping his face aren’t different enough to ruin the magic. He only breaks contact once, to turn to Jensen and grin at him as he puts his hands out, teasing one of Jensen’s nipples while Jensen pushes into him.

As expected, that makes Jensen cry out and Jared counts it as a victory. He turns back to Matt, and Matt anticipates his need, slipping a hand between them to stroke Jared as they start kissing again.

“Slower,” Jared hears Jensen say. “He likes it slower than that.”

Matt modifies his hand motions and Jensen replies, “Good. Now give him a twist at the head. He loves that when…”

Jensen shoves into him roughly just as Matt does what he’s told, and a blinding sensation of euphoria washes through Jared, making his toes curl as he digs his feet into Jensen’s ass.

“See,” Jensen mutters. “I take care of my boy. I’m gonna make sure he takes care of you, too.”

“Want you to,” Jared pants. “Want you to finish me.”

Jensen’s hand joins Matt’s then, and the feel of both of them jerking him is more than he knows how to handle. Jared pulls Matt back in and resumes kissing him as his climax hits, but his attention is on Jensen, on the sound of his groans and the hitch of his hips. He knows by now when Jensen’s close, and Jared suddenly wants Jensen to come at the same time as him with a desperate urgency.

So he slows the make out session, pulling away just enough to meet Jensen’s eyes and be sure Jensen can see the slide of his tongue against Matt’s. Apparently it’s a pretty good show, because Jensen loses it immediately, and Jared feels Jensen begin to shake as he finishes while Matt is still working out the last few strokes of Jared’s orgasm.

When Jensen pulls out, Jared sits up, looking between the two men and grinning. “Well, that didn’t suck.”

“No, it didn’t,” Matt agrees, chuckling as he rolls off the bed.

Jared notices that Matt is still hard as he’s reaching for his shorts, and he offers, “Do you want me to—?”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. I can work it out.” He winks. “Like I said, I know when I’m the guest star.”

It’s completely bizarre to Jared how cool he is about it. Jared’s pretty sure he’d be pissed if he’d been pulled into something like Matt was, but then, this is their business, his and Jensen’s. They’re not sentimental about sex like…

Jared looks away from them and turns his attention to their payment, suddenly eager to be alone. He leans off the mattress to collect his pants from the floor and pulls his wallet out.

“Three hundred for you,” he says, holding it out to Matt. “That’s Jensen’s regular amount. Thanks for joining us.”

“Sweet!” Matt says, taking the money and tucking it into his shiny gold underwear before pulling on his tank and shimmying back into his shorts. “You boys come find me anytime.”

He leaves then, and Jared turns his attention to Jensen.

“Six hundred for you,” says Jared as he offers Jensen the roll of bills. “This counts as weird stuff, right?”

“Jared, you don’t have to—”

“Just take the money,” Jared insists. “It’s not doing me any good.”

“Don’t your parents wonder what you’re spending all this cash on?” Jensen asks. “It’s gotta have been enough that they’ve at least noticed.”

“They noticed,” he admits.

“So what’d you tell them?” Jensen frowns. “If paying me as much as you do is going to get you in trouble…you know, I only started you so high because I thought you’d come by once or twice. I wanted to get what I could from you while it lasted. It’s obviously not like that.”

He can’t bring himself to admit that as of the new year, it _will_ be like that. Jared will have to kick this habit. He can’t think about that now, here, where he comes to escape.

Instead, he grins. “I told them I’ve been investing in Bitcoin.”

Jensen lets out a surprised bark of a laugh. “They bought that?”

“Yeah, I mean, wouldn’t you?” Jared points to himself. “Doesn’t this look like the face of a dumb kid who pours a bunch of money he didn’t earn into cryptocurrency?”

“Well, when you put it that way,” Jensen jokes.

“The best part was my dad. He has no idea what Bitcoin is, but he can’t ever admit when he doesn’t know something, so he patted me on the back and went on a whole spiel about how smart it was to invest in the future and how I got that from him.”

“Man,” Jensen says when he finishes laughing. “I used to think rich people were smart.”

“Nah, it’s mostly just dumb luck.” Jared gives Jensen a light poke in the side and holds the payment out to him again. “So take this money I lucked into. You at least worked for it.”

“Alright.” Jensen curls his fingers around the cash and leans in, pressing his forehead to Jared’s. “But I want it on the record that this wasn’t weird enough to up your price tag.”

“Damn.” Jared snaps as he pulls away from Jensen. “I’m doing my best out here.”

“Gonna have to try harder than a threesome that didn’t even involve double penetration.”

“Would you have liked that more?” Jared asks. “I can keep it in mind. For next time.”

“I’m not the one you should be trying to please.” He hops out of bed and starts dressing. “If you like something, you don’t have to up the ante to impress me. Believe me, I’ve seen and done it all. Weirder isn’t always better.”

“This was good though,” Jared tells him. “I liked it.”

“Yeah?” Jensen does up his pants and slips his shirt on. “I’m glad.”

“But I don’t think I want to do it again,” he admits.

Jensen finishes buttoning his shirt and walks over to the bed, tilting Jared’s head up until their eyes meet and smiling softly at him. “Just us from now on.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get Heavy™. O:)
> 
> More amazing new art in this chapter by [sweetheartdean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartdean/pseuds/sweetheartdean). Please let her know how much you love it [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/sweetheartdean/status/1099143778613383168).

“Somehow I never noticed the tattoo before,” Jared says, running his thumb over the black lines on the underside of Jensen’s right arm as he drops Jensen’s shirt onto the ground. “Who’s Jason?”

“A mistake I’ve been saving up to have removed,” Jensen tells him. “Old boyfriend. Bought me the tattoo as an anniversary gift, and now I’m stuck with it.”

Jared huffs a laugh, letting go of Jensen’s arm. “You seriously let some guy talk you into that?”

“I was young and in love,” Jensen insists.

“Yeah,” Jared replies, snorting. “With _Jason_ , apparently.”

“Shut up,” Jensen says, shoving Jared in the chest, but he’s laughing at himself as much as Jared is. “What, you’ve never been in love? Doing dumb shit is what it’s all about.”

 _I’m in love now_ , Jared thinks, and the realization hits him like a runaway train, unexpected and instantly debilitating. He’s in love with Jensen. What a fucking disaster that must make him.

“No one’s ever loved me,” he says instead, because that’s equally true.

Jensen frowns, but instead of making any bullshit claims about Jared being wrong or letting it bring down the mood, he takes both of Jared’s hands and walks him over to the bed.

“Who needs it, right?” he asks. “When you can get off without it and not get your heart broken?”

“Right,” Jared replies, laughing as if his heart _isn’t_ breaking. “Why don’t you fuck my brains out so I can’t think about it too much?”

Jensen does just that, and fifty minutes later, they’re both sufficiently distracted, drenched in sweat and panting.

After a while, Jensen swings his legs off the bed, sitting up with his back to Jared. Jared wants to reach out, stroke his fingers down the length of that smooth skin, and see if it makes Jensen tremble. But his time is up. Jensen has just a few minutes to dress and get back out on the street before he charges Jared for another hour.

Then again, Jared has more than an hour’s worth of cash to burn, and apparently he’s a goner.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m starving,” he says. “You wanna order food? Chinese, maybe. I could destroy some dumplings right about now.”

He watches Jensen’s shoulders lock up as his feet touch the floor and can picture the face Jensen is making as he tries to find the gentlest way to reject the invitation.

“Sounds great, but,” Jensen turns enough to smile at Jared over his shoulder, softening the blow, “I’ve gotta get back out there. It’s a busy night for me.”

“Right, I know.” Jared sits up against the back of the bed, pulling his knees up to his chest, and watches as Jensen tugs on his boxers. “How much?”

“For what?” Jensen asks, pausing before putting on his shirt.

“How much would you make on a Friday night like this?” he asks. “How much for the night?”

Jensen looks a little confused by the question, and he doesn’t answer, so Jared points to his jacket. “There’s $1,500 in there. I know that’s only five hours’ worth, but maybe you could—”

“What a lucky coincidence,” Jensen replies. “That’s exactly what I charge for a night.”

“Yeah?” He feels something go warm in his chest, knowing it’s not nothing, Jensen giving him his time. Valuable time. A couple of months ago, it felt like a scam paying for company at all, but now he knows what this is worth. He’s getting a good deal. “You sure?”

Jensen smirks at him, pulling a stack of menus out of the top drawer of the nightstand on his side of the bed and tossing them to Jared. “You gonna pay for the dumplings, too?”

“Anything you want,” Jared says grandly, picking up the top menu on the stack and glancing at the name written in cliched oriental font. “From the Royal Dragon Restaurant and Take Away.”

“You sure know how to spoil a guy,” Jensen jokes. He waits a few beats and then says, “Alright, there’s one more thing I need to ask if we’re gonna do this.”

“Name it,” says Jared.

Jensen stands and crosses the room, opening the door to reveal Oscar sitting loyally outside. “Can he come in? I try not to leave him wandering the streets more than I have to.”

Jared grins as the dog runs into the room, not waiting for Jensen’s signal, and leaps up onto the bed, curling up at his feet. “Looks like that’s settled.”

They share a laugh and after twenty minutes or so manage to agree on what to order. The food comes and they spread it out on the mattress, way more than they can possibly eat, but they make a respectable attempt on it while Oscar sits calmly on the floor, staring at them with wide puppy eyes, obviously waiting for them to do the right thing.

“It’s not gonna be what you think,” Jensen says as he dangles a noodle over Jared’s nose.

Jared sits up only enough to catch the end of it and slurps the rest, grinning at the disgusted face Jensen makes. “Not a cheetah?”

“Nope.” Jensen smiles, spearing a chunk of orange chicken onto his plastic fork and eating it. “Falcons are faster.”

On the TV, the nature channel’s fastest animal countdown reaches number five, and the narrator begins to spout facts over footage of large cats chasing prey.

“Only number five?” Jared says. “My whole life has been one big lie.”

“The rest are all birds,” Jensen tells him. “So cheetahs are still the fastest on land.”

“I’ve decided I don’t think that counts,” Jared says soggily. “Flying is cheating.”

Jensen laughs, pushing the last dumpling at him as a cheer-up gesture. As he dunks it in the sauce, Jared asks, “How did you know what it was gonna be?”

Jensen almost sounds shy as he admits, “When you spend as much time in crappy motels as I do, you get used to watching the channels they have available. I love this nature crap. I don’t know why. Just find it interesting. Better than AMC reruns and the Weather Channel, at least.”

Jared thinks back to that conversation they had awhile back about walruses and finds himself smiling. He likes the idea of Jensen sitting around watching educational television to stave off boredom. It feels real, human, and Jared welcomes anything that bridges the gap, makes Jensen feel like a solid presence in his life, not just a god who appears to collect monetary sacrifices and reward them with orgasms.

“You ever thought about doing something with that?” Jared asks. “Study animals, get a job at a zoo or something?”

He knows he overstepped when Jensen glances up at him, seeming to teeter on the edge of anger for a long moment before he shakes his head and responds in a calm but somber tone, “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“Do what?” Jared frowns. “Ask about you? You don’t have to answer. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“No, it’s okay to want to know about me,” Jensen replies. “It’s that assumption you make, that I must be looking for something better. Like there’s something wrong with what I do. Believe it or not, Jared, I like my job. I enjoy sex, I’m good at it, I make better money than I would anywhere else I could actually get hired. It’s not something I regret or hate and I don’t want to be made to feel like it should be.”

“I’m sorry,” Jared tells him. “I hadn’t thought of it like that. I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“I know you didn’t mean it.” Jensen sets his fork down in the rice carton and looks at him directly. “But you still do it. All the time. When you look down on what I do, or the people who ride the bus because they have to, not because it’s fun for them, or Misha being too old to be in school—don’t you get that by looking down on this world you’re looking down on _me_?”

Jared nods. “I get it. I’m a dick. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’ll just screw up again.”

“Hey,” Jensen reaches across the bed, poking Jared lightly on the arm with a chopstick. “I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. I know you try. Not everyone tries. You’re a good kid, Jared. Just…sheltered.”

Licking his lips, he looks away. “No, I’m not. I’m an asshole. I keep being an asshole, no matter how much I tell myself I’ll do better.”

“You’re my favorite asshole,” Jensen says warmly. “Tight, enthusiastic, the stamina—”

Jared throws a fortune cookie at him and manages to nail him right in the face. Jensen is laughing by the time he recovers from the attack, and he launches himself across the bed, just barely missing knocking over the containers of food. Jared doesn’t see him coming, so Jensen has an easy time pinning him to the mattress.

He stares up at Jensen above him, lost for a moment in how gorgeous the guy is, and when Jensen moves lower, he closes his eyes, waiting to be kissed. He opens them again almost immediately when he remembers that won’t happen and finds Jensen hovering just inches from him, staring at his mouth.

Jensen blinks a few times until his expression clears, and then he lifts off of Jared, sitting back on his side of the bed.

“You think any of this is safe for dogs?” Jensen asks, obviously looking for a distracting conversation topic. “Can’t believe how much we have left over.”

Jared still feels kind of crappy, but Jensen seems to have moved on completely from his insensitive comments, and if Jensen is good enough to forgive him for this one, he isn’t about to linger on it.

Instead, he watches Jensen sift through the food on the bed, occasionally dropping something he’s deemed safe for canine consumption on the floor for Oscar. After a few minutes, Jared says, “Thank you for doing this, Jensen. I know you didn’t have to.”

“It’s your money,” he says dismissively. “I’ll do pretty much any weird crap you ask for as long as you’re paying. Except share my orange chicken, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Jared echoes, laughing. “I’m serious, though. I know spending a whole night with a loser like me isn’t your idea of fun.”

“You’re not a loser, Jared,” Jensen says, turning sharply to look at him. “Why would you think that?”

“Isn’t anyone who pays for sex kind of, by definition, a loser?”

Jensen shakes his head. “See, you’re so content to go along with what society tells you that you even look down on yourself. Why should it make you a loser?”

“I don’t know,” Jared says. “Just seems like…”

“Like what?” Jensen sits on the bed and gives Jared a serious look. “Sure, occasionally I fuck people who are terrible at it or fit stereotypes. Everyone has days when their job gets on their nerves. But mostly, the people who pay for my services are just regular people who enjoy uncomplicated sex or crave a little human touch. Stop being ashamed of that. It’s perfectly normal to want those things.”

“It’s not normal,” Jared replies without thinking. “ _I’m_ not normal.”

Jensen pauses, his face changing, but Jared can’t read him. He has no idea what’s going on in Jensen’s head until Jensen says, “Fuck, that’s it, isn’t it?”

“Huh?” Jared asks.

“All this time, all these little comments you keep making. Like you just can’t stop yourself, no matter how many times I tell you they’re shitty.” Jared winces at Jensen calling him out, but Jensen shakes his head. “I thought it was because you looked down on me. But it’s not that at all, is it?”

“Of course I don’t, Jensen,” Jared says weakly. “Please believe me. I know I’ve been an asshole, but it’s not because—”

“No, it’s not,” Jensen agrees. He sounds like he _does_ believe Jared, but that just makes his frown deepen. “You don’t think less of me. You think there’s something wrong with _you_.”

“Hey, look,” Jared says, gesturing to the TV behind Jensen. “You were right about the falcon. Fast animal #1, just like you said.”

Jensen turns to grab the remote and powers the television off before tossing it to the side. Then he moves up the bed and takes Jared’s face between his hands, forcing Jared to look at him.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. And what you want isn’t bad just because it’s not normal. Normal is bullshit. I’m not normal, either, and I’m fucking happy. You deserve to be happy, too.”

“Please,” Jared whispers, trying to hide his face before he does something horribly embarrassing, like cry in front of Jensen. “Can we just forget—?”

“What is it?” Jensen asks. “What could possibly make someone like you feel so trapped?”

He swallows hard, taking Jensen’s hands in his and lowering them so he can finally look away. “Money isn’t everything, Jensen.”

“I know that. But you don’t just have money. You’re the full package. You’ve got no reason to doubt yourself.”

“You don’t even like me,” Jared reminds him. “Remember? I’m a spoiled little rich kid who doesn’t know how to not get his way.”

“That’s definitely true,” Jensen says playfully. “But you’re funny, too,” he adds, voice becoming more serious as he presses a kiss to the back of one of Jared’s hands. “You’re kind, when you let yourself be,” he continues before kissing the other. “You’re stupidly hot.” Jensen squeezes Jared’s hands before dropping them. “You know, if you really want to do better, start by being better to yourself. It’s easier not to hurt others when you’re not in pain. And then you wouldn’t drive people away. You don’t have to be so isolated. You’re choosing to be.”

He’s wrong, of course. Jared will always be alone. He never had a choice in anything. He thought he’d come to terms with that a long time ago, but the sudden understanding Jensen is showing wears him down, and he does everything he can to stay neutral when the tears start to well in his eyes. Jensen reaches out then, touching Jared’s shoulder tentatively for a moment before pulling him into a hug. 

“You’re only saying these things because I’m your customer,” Jared insists, pulling away as soon as he can bring himself to do it and wiping the tracks off his cheeks. “I need…I need to remember that. Please, Jensen. Don’t make it hard for me to remember that.”

“Even if that’s true,” Jensen replies. “I care about my customers. And I don’t think any of them are pathetic or losers or whatever you want to call yourself.”

Jared shrugs and looks away, because he doesn’t have a good response he can give Jensen. The guy should be able to be kind to the people he works for without Jared getting this confused, dropping all his baggage at Jensen’s feet. He didn’t mean for that to happen. He just wanted to spend a night with Jensen, have some fun while he still can. Jensen wasn’t supposed to see so much.

After thinking on it for a long time, Jared asks, “What about the ones who fall in love with you?”

It’s not quite a confession, but he can tell from the way Jensen looks back at him that there’s no confession needed. Jensen knows. Fuck, Jensen’s probably known longer than Jared has. “What about them?”

“It happens, right?” Jared closes his eyes and makes himself dig in deeper, because he needs to hear that he at least isn’t alone in this. “You know when a client has fallen for you, don’t you?”

“Yes, it happens,” Jensen replies. “And, you’re right. Usually I can tell.”

“That’s pretty pathetic.” Jared opens his eyes to see Jensen frowning. “Even you have to admit.”

“I never thought so.” Jensen’s voice is so even, so soothing, that Jared even kind of believes him. “I never thought less of anyone for having feelings for me. It’s a terrible thing, being lonely. People connect where they can. I’m here for that.”

His ability to be gentle, sympathetic, while maintaining that professional distance, is admirable. And Jared appreciates it, honestly, that Jensen’s able to make it clear without judgement that what he’s feeling is a one-way street. That has to be enough for now. It’s not like Jared can stop himself for the sake of self-preservation, so accepting things as they are will have to be enough.

“Plus, it’s good for business,” Jared jokes, hoping to lighten the moment. “When some dumb rich kid will do anything for—”

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about my business,” Jensen tells him. He tucks his fingers under Jared’s chin and jerks Jared’s face up to meet his eyes. “Now come on, let’s clean up this food. I think it’s my turn to get my brains fucked out.”

Jared wakes up with the sun in his eyes and a crick in his neck. He wonders why for a split second—he has blackout curtains and perfectly molded pillows at home—and that’s when it clicks.

He’s not home. He’s still at the Fallen Pines Motel, his head resting on Jensen’s chest, which is smooth and toned and great for a lot of things; pillowing not so much.

He lifts himself enough to see the glowing red numbers on the alarm clock by the bed. 7:32 a.m. Jared groans and drops his face back down.

“Always imagined you’d be a morning person,” he hears from above him. Jensen’s voice is rough with sleep and when Jared sits up to look at him, his chest feels light. Jensen’s hair is sticking out in every direction, his eyes half shut, and his lips set in a thin line. “Glad you’re not. I hate morning people.”

“I am when I wasn’t up fucking the entire night before,” Jared insists. “And my neck isn’t cramped.”

A big hand settles on his neck then and begins to work some of the tension out, and Jared leans into it, not surprised in the least that massaging happens to be one of Jensen’s talents. He lets himself indulge a little, the rhythm of Jensen’s strong hands easing his body as he takes the time to really look at Jensen the way he usually doesn’t get to.

Finally, Jensen smiles at him, releasing his grip and saying, “What’re you staring at, huh?”

Jared lets his face show everything he’s thinking as he traces a finger down Jensen’s chest and asks, “Are you still on the clock?”

Jensen’s eyes go dark. “God, I hope so.”

“Good,” Jared responds before diving under the covers and taking Jensen into his mouth.

Jensen lets out a satisfied sigh and rests his hand on Jared’s head over the blanket, and Jared takes his time with the blowjob, loving the contrast between this leisurely morning and the rushed fucks they usually share.

When Jensen finishes, Jared reemerges from beneath the sheets, resting his face on Jensen’s chest again, but tucking his hands under his cheek for padding this time as he closes his eyes and says, “Still too early.”

He expects that to be it, for Jensen to leave after he drifts off, but when he awakes for the second time, it’s to Jensen shaking him lightly.

The clock on the nightstand now reads 11:27 a.m.

“Hey,” Jensen says. “Sorry to wake you, but check-out is pretty soon.”

“You stayed,” is all Jared can think to reply with.

Jensen’s smile is soft, reassuring. “I stayed.”

Jared breathes Jensen in, squeezing his arm tighter around Jensen’s middle before sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “I guess it’s time to—”

“Are you hungry?” Jensen asks. He rolls out of bed and starts picking his clothes up, giving Oscar a good morning pat down. “Man, I’m starving.”

“I’m pretty much always starving,” Jared admits, not sure where Jensen is going with this, but enjoying watching him change from half-asleep to bouncing with excitement in seconds at the thought of breakfast.

“I could really go for some Waffle House right now.” Jensen grins at Jared over his shoulder. “You wanna get waffles? My treat. Some dumb rich kid just paid me $1,500 to spend the night with him.”

_______________________________________________________________

“Ho, ho, ho, stranger,” Jensen says, winking as he pokes his head in the Impala’s window. “You gonna park while I find us a room? Or do I get my Christmas wish to ride around in your sleigh all night?”

“I like what you have going on usually,” Jared says. “But that was probably the least sexy pick-up line I’ve ever heard.”

“Whatever,” says Jensen. “I was hitting on the car, not on you. And she liked it.”

“Oh, she did, did she?” Jensen purses his lips and nods, and Jared shakes his head as he laughs. “Come on, hop in. I wanna take you somewhere.”

“It’s not somewhere murdery, right?” Jensen asks. He pauses to think on it, then responds as if Jared had made a rebuttal, hitching his thumb over his shoulder at the Fallen Pine Motel’s flickering vacancy sign. “No, you’re right. Where is more murdery than this dump?”

“You tell me, you’re the one who picked this spot to hang around all the time.” Jared points out as he leans across the bench seat to open the passenger side for Jensen. “I just go where the getting’s good.”

“Well, so do I. This corner serves me well,” Jensen says before adding with a smirk, “I could have chosen some other motel with no passing bus service, and then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“A fate too terrible to think of,” Jared says, only half-joking as he finally catches the door handle. 

Jensen, who was leaning in the window, stands back to make room for the door to swing open before stepping in. He’s wearing a red and green romper with short sleeves, and it’s unbuttoned in the middle all the way down to his belly. Fishnet stockings flow out from the immodestly high cut of the romper’s shorts and elongate his legs, which finally end in gold cowboy boots that have just enough of a heel to make Jensen’s calves pretty much pornographic under the netting.

“Don’t you get cold?” Jared asks as he watches Jensen step into the car.

“I’m dressed for the season, you big grinch,” says Jensen, settling into his seat and slamming the door shut. “Anyway, it’s Texas. Not exactly an arctic winter out there.”

“It’s 50 degrees!” Jared replies. “That’s not short short weather.”

Jensen huffs out an amused breath. “Alright, mom, sorry. I’ll wear something more conservative next time I go peddling my ass in the street.”

“That’s all I ask, sweetie,” Jared replies in falsetto. “Anyway, it’s not even Christmas for another three days. So if you’re going to dress like Santa’s Sluttiest Helper, you could at least hold off.”

Laughing, Jensen says, “Don’t act like you don’t love the outfit. I saw you ogling my legs.”

“If you want a fun challenge, try finding an outfit I _don’t_ ogle you in.”

That makes Jensen bite his bottom lip to try to swallow a grin, and he turns his face away from Jared, toward the road. “Where are we going, anyway?”

“Somewhere you can’t walk through the lobby dressed like that,” Jared responds. He waits until the next red light before turning to grab his coat from the backseat and handing it to Jensen. “Here, put this on before we get there. I think it’ll be enough to cover most of you. As long as no one looks at your feet, we’ll be fine.”

He half watches Jensen’s flurry of movement as he puts on the coat while keeping the rest of his attention on the road, and he feels just a little smug when Jensen wraps his arms around himself as soon as the buttons are done up, huddling into its warmth.

“Told you it was too damn cold to dress like that,” he murmurs.

“Weirdly, most of my clients don’t really go for the oversized flasher coat look unless I actually flash them, and that does nothing to keep my bits nice and warm.”

“It’d be effective advertising, I bet,” Jared points out.

“I’ll add it to the suggestion box,” Jensen promises.

Jared makes a dismissive sound as he takes a turn onto the highway. “No one ever gets back to me about those suggestions. I’m starting to think you just say that to shut me up.”

“That hurts my feelings.” There’s a pause in the conversation during which Jensen tracks the highway markers zooming past his window until he finally says, “You’re the boss and all, but aren’t we going a little far out of your comfort zone?”

“What’s my comfort zone?” Jared asks, laughing. “Run down motels and filthy alleys?”

“Places you won’t be recognized,” Jensen replies easily.

Jared glances briefly in his direction before swallowing hard and asking, “Do you know who I am?”

“A little bit,” Jensen admits. “What I found on the internet.”

Jared bites back a smile at that. Jensen’s pretty quick at putting things together, and Jared guessed some time ago that he knows more than he lets on. His discretion has been admirable, but it’s nice to finally have the suspicion confirmed. Maybe Jared knows Jensen a little better than Jensen gives him credit for, too.

“You googled me?” he says. “Honestly, I’m flattered.”

“It was a quick search. After you pulled that move with the cop. I heard you say your name to him, so I looked you up. I wasn’t trying to…” Jensen stops to think out how he wants to continue and Jared keeps his eyes trained straight ahead and waits, not wanting Jensen to feel pressured to finish his thought before he’s ready. “Look, a guy like you starts showing up in my neighborhood? I wanted to make sure I wasn’t sucking dick for the mob or some fag-bashing GOP hypocrite or something. I didn’t have any kind of ulterior motive.”

“You could have gone to my parents or the local press months ago with what you know.” Jared frowns. “You’d be a wealthy man today if you had.”

“You really think that little of me?” Jensen sounds hurt, and that just won’t do.

“That’s pretty much the opposite of what I was saying.” Jared shrugs. “Not that I would have blamed you if you had.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” Jensen replies before adding a belated, “to anybody.”

Jared looks over at him for as long as he safely can. “I know you wouldn’t. God knows I haven’t given you any reasons not to, and you haven’t yet. I would have screwed me over months ago if I was you and not felt the least bit sorry.”

“I don’t think you would have,” says Jensen. “Anyway, I didn’t, so it’s moot.”

“You could still go to them anytime. I wouldn’t think less of you. You deserve the money more than I deserve your loyalty.” Jared smiles warmly over at Jensen. “But you won’t. Because that’s the kind of person you are.”

Jensen looks away from Jared, staring out the window instead. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to talk me into it.”

“It would have hurt a lot,” Jared says quietly. “If you had done it. Because I do trust you very much. But at the same time…wanna hear something crazy?”

“Sure,” Jensen says. “Tell me something crazy.”

“Part of me wishes you had,” Jared admits. “I mean, not you specifically, but. I used to think about that a lot in college. If some random guy I hooked up with might recognize me and blow the whole thing wide open. It always felt liberating.”

“Why don’t you tell them yourself, then?” Jensen asks, like it’s really that easy.

Jared considers how he could respond. He could tell Jensen what a fucking coward he is, or admit that he doesn’t know the first thing about how the world works, would crash and burn in a week without his parent’s money propping him up.

He changes the subject instead. “So what did the internet say about me?”

Jensen doesn’t call him out on the evasion, but Jared can see the corner of his lips turn down. “Not much, to be honest. You’re like a Kardashian who’s too boring for TV, right?”

“That’s the idea,” Jared says as he laughs. “No publicity is the best publicity.”

“I guess this,” Jensen gestures between himself and Jared, “would be pretty newsworthy.”

“Yeah,” Jared agrees, taking his exit off the highway. “I’ll say.”

“That sucks, man,” Jensen says. “Being under a microscope just because your parents are rich.”

“I do get to be rich,” Jared reminds him. “So it’s not all bad.”

Jensen laughs, but Jared can tell that Jensen knows how much he’s kidding himself. Jared has memorized the sound of Jensen’s laughter when it’s genuine, and that just now wasn’t it.

“What does your family’s company actually do?” Jensen asks. “I like to think I’m a reasonably intelligent person, but I couldn’t cut through all the bullshit corporate speak on your website for the life of me.”

“That’s kind of the idea, to be honest. People tend not to like us when they know what we do. That’s why I’m not supposed to behave in a way that could draw attention.”

“You didn’t answer the question,” Jensen points out.

Jared chews his bottom lip for a few moments. “We, uh, intervene when small businesses are approaching bankruptcy and help stabilize their brand under the protection and guidance of a larger conglomerate.”

It takes Jensen less than half a minute to translate. “You find mom and pop shops people spent their entire lives building that are struggling because they can’t compete with the prices of big box stores and pay them the absolute minimum you can get away with to absorb them into the very corporations that caused them to fail.”

Jared has a whole speech for this, one that’s been hammered into him his entire life. To help the _little minded people_ who can’t appreciate true ingenuity see why the economy _needs_ big thinkers like them to keep communities afloat. It’s full of buzzwords and references to bare minimum philanthropy efforts that exist only so the company will sound better at moments like this and all it does is put the ugly truth in a prettier package. Jared can’t bring himself to utter a single word of it. He can’t condescend to Jensen like that. Jensen deserves better from him.

“Yes,” he says instead.

“Wow,” Jensen replies. “That’s fucking evil.” As soon as Jared turns to look his way, Jensen flashes him a tight smile. “Sorry, it’s not my place to—”

“You’re not wrong,” Jared interrupts. He grips the steering wheel a little tighter. “I’ve never admitted it out loud like that.”

“But you don’t, right?” Jensen asks. “I mean, you can’t help what your parents do. You’re not a part of that.”

“Not really,” says Jared. “Not yet. My dad takes me along on meetings and stuff so I can learn, but I don’t have an actual part in it.” Jensen looks relieved, so Jared adds, “I will eventually. I’m home for a few months to set some stuff up, and then it’s off to law school in the fall.”

“You’ll make a hot lawyer. I can see it now. Fancy suits, a briefcase…” Jensen puts his hand high on Jared’s thigh, causing Jared to squirm. “ _‘Isn’t there a bargain we can make, your honor?’_ ”

“Not porn court, Jensen,” Jared replies, rolling his eyes. “Real court.”

Jensen laughs and snatches his hand back. “Oh, in that case I think you’ll be awful at it.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Jared shakes his head fondly and glances at the GPS. They’re getting close, and he swore he wouldn’t be nervous, but he can feel his palms starting to sweat as he gets caught in his head, imagining everything that could go wrong tonight.

To his surprise, Jensen cuts through his oncoming panic attack by simply asking, “Is that what you want?”

It takes a few moments to even catch the words Jensen said, and though the question seems simple enough, he can’t quite grasp its meaning. “What?”

“Is that what you want?” Jensen repeats. “Do you want to be a lawyer?”

“No. I mean. I don’t know.” Jared shrugs. “I’ve never really thought about it.”

“You’ve never thought about it?” Jensen says, like that’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard.

Jared mulls it over for a few moments before he admits, “Don’t see the point of wondering. It’s already settled.”

“Okay, indulge me,” Jensen says. “Do this kindergarten exercise apparently for the first time in your life, Jared. What do you want to be when you grow up? A lawyer? Or something else?”

“I think I could be into law,” he decides after thinking it over for a beat. “Criminal law, like public defense, maybe? Helping people. But not…my parents want me to go into corporate law. Learn all the best loopholes for tax evasion and regulation-dodging, so that I can be an asset to the company. We have plenty of lawyers of course, but when you have someone in the family who knows that stuff, you don’t have to disclose it to people you can’t be as sure will keep quiet.”

Jensen blinks at him for a few moments until Jared says, “I’ve told you too much and now I have to kill you.”

To his relief, Jensen explodes into laughter. They’re pulling up to the valet stand by now, so Jared puts the car into park, but instead of getting out and handing off his keys, Jared sits for a moment, just watching Jensen double over, cracking up for a long time before he regains his composure. His heart nearly bursts at how red Jensen’s face is, how his eyes are sparkling with amusement by the time he looks up again.

Without even thinking, he says, “I don’t want to become that.”

Jensen’s expression dims a little, but he’s still smiling softly as he reaches out for Jared, touches his face more gently than Jared can ever remember being touched. “I don’t want that for you, either.”

As Jared is trying to find a way to respond, something he can say that’s big enough to not ruin this moment, a knock on the window makes them both jolt and turn their attention to the bearded man smiling and waving for Jared’s attention.

Jared opens the door and steps out without glancing at Jensen again and does everything he can to sound cheerful and casual as he greets the valet. “Rob! Good to see you, man!”

“Mr. Padalecki,” Rob says, accepting the keys from Jared. “Should I have any luggage taken up to the penthouse for you?”

“I checked in already, actually,” Jared replies, clapping Rob on the shoulder. “You take care of my car, you hear? This one’s special.”

“Of course, sir.” Rob climbs into the Impala and shuts the door.

Jensen watches the car drive off and looks to Jared. “If he puts even a scratch on her—”

Jared laughs. “Don’t worry, he’s dependable.”

“Better be,” Jensen grumbles. “That’s my baby.”

“I guess she is,” Jared agrees. “That’s what makes her so special.”

Jensen turns his face away, though his ears are suspiciously pink, and Jared knows he’s trying to think of a good comeback. Before he gets a chance, Jared grabs Jensen’s shoulders and turns him to face the tall, sparkling doors of the finest hotel in Texas.

He leans in so that his words are only for Jensen and says, “Welcome to the Winchester.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearest readers who are still with me, thank you so, so much for your patience, especially if you are not on Twitter and did not see my announcement re: this chapter being late. I hope I did not lose too many of you by going off schedule. This chapter had to cover a lot of ground; you'll notice it's much longer than the others and it's also very intense. It was not easy to write. I didn't feel there was any way to break this one up, and I didn't want to rush to post the chapter on Sunday when it wasn't where it needed to be yet. I think the story kind of lives and dies with this chapter (I am terrified to think of that, but at least I know I took the time to do my best!) and I really hope this is worth the disappointment of not having it when I promised it. My hope is to get things back on track from here and post the final two chapters on the last two days of this month, so hopefully this won't set things back too much.
> 
> On a NOT disappointing note, more amazing new art in this chapter by [sweetheartdean](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartdean/pseuds/sweetheartdean). Please let her know how much you love it [on Twitter](https://twitter.com/sweetheartdean/status/1100617533810454528).
> 
> Please be aware that this chapter has discussions of terminally ill relatives and a death (past, off-screen, but it is a minor). If these things might be upsetting to you, please approach with caution.

“There’s slippers,” he hears called from the next room. “Honest-to-god slippers that match the robe. Oh, yeah, and did I mention there’s a robe? Do we get to keep the robe, do you think?”

Jared feels himself smiling as he turns toward the open door and yells back, “You can keep whatever you want.”

He splashes some water on his face and takes a deep, steady breath, trying to collect himself. Jared tosses the washcloth on the counter when he’s done drying off and meets his own eyes in the mirror, bracing his hands on the surface in front of him.

Listening to Jensen’s exuberance over every bullshit luxury in their suite is causing him to feel weirdly imbalanced, thrown by the mix of polar opposite reactions—warmth and fondness at Jensen’s easy joy battling with the bitterness of knowing that it can only exist in his world like this: under deep cover, for a small, stolen moment.

“Look what I found,” Jensen says, appearing in the doorway to the bathroom and brandishing a bottle of champagne. “Apparently this just comes with the room? Should we op—?”

As soon as he gets a look at Jared, Jensen slides the bottle onto the sink counter and takes a step toward him.

“Hey, are you—?” He glances around and frowns just a bit. “What are you doing in here, anyway?”

“Nothing,” Jared says. “Just thinking.”

“Thinking, huh?” Jensen moves even closer and puts his hands on Jared’s shoulders, beginning to knead them.

Jared already stripped to his underwear, eager to get out of his restricting clothes, even though they haven’t fucked yet. Unlike their usual encounters, where Jensen immediately gets to business, he’d run into this room like a child, bouncing on the bed before running in all directions, making observations about everything he picked up as if he was in a palace surrounded by important relics instead of a hotel. 

Now Jared wishes he’d followed Jensen’s example, thrown on one of the thick hotel robes or at least kept a t shirt so he could have some degree of armor against how intimate Jensen’s caress feels. He can’t even account for why it seems so different now when they’ve been naked around each other and touched in just about every way it’s possible so many times. Maybe it’s that Jensen is standing in the middle of something that is part of Jared’s life, and what they could have, if so many things were different, almost seems to exist. Maybe it’s just Jared imagining it, making this mean too much because he knows what Jensen doesn’t. They’re in ‘last time’ territory.

“Why do you make yourself so small?” Jensen asks softly as he continues to massage at the tension in Jared’s back.

Jared didn’t realize how hunched over he’d been until he sees that Jensen’s reflection in the mirror has more than a few inches on him. He doesn’t have an answer, so instead he closes his eyes, letting Jensen work the tension out until he relaxes enough to straighten his spine and let out the breath he’d been holding.

“Love touching you,” Jensen murmurs as he draws closer, pressing his chest to Jared’s back and sliding his arms around until his fingers find purchase on Jared’s chest. “There’s so goddamn much. I could take my time with every inch of you and never get tired of it.”

“Is that a promise?” Jared asks, his voice a little shaky, but determined to keep up some semblance of their usual back-and-forth.

“Have I ever not delivered?” Jensen asks, ghosting his fingers along Jared’s biceps, making him feel so surrounded that he lets himself shift back into Jensen’s embrace and gets lost just listening to the low rumble of Jensen’s voice as Jensen continues to list off things he wants to do, places he wants to touch Jared.

Jared thinks he could fall asleep like this, lost in the cadence of Jensen’s dark whispers. And then maybe he could just not wake up, not have to do the next part.

“Hey, don’t pass out on me,” he hears Jensen say, and he realizes he’d actually started to drift. “Wouldn’t that be a waste of a really big mattress?”

“Sorry,” Jared replies, shaking his head a bit to clear it. “I just…”

“You’re not here with me right now,” Jensen tells him. “Look at me.”

He places one hand on each of Jared’s shoulders again, but this time instead of massaging him he turns Jared around, until Jared’s ass is against the sink and he’s face-to-face with big green eyes and freckled skin.

Jensen looks up at him quietly for a few long moments, and Jared can’t guess what’s happening in his head, but he’s willing to bet Jensen is figuring out way more than he’d prefer. 

Eventually, Jensen finally moves, reaching up to tuck a hair back behind Jared’s ear, keeping his eyes locked on Jared’s all the while. “What color are those eyes of yours?”

It’s not what Jared is expecting, and he recognizes that Jensen has decided to try to distract him from his worries rather than dig into what’s bothering him. Jared is more than a little relieved. He’s spent enough goddamn time with his thoughts lately, won’t have them crowding out his time with Jensen, too.

Still, he’s a little unsure as to how his eye color is supposed to do the trick. Trusting Jensen to know what he’s doing, Jared replies, “Hazel, I guess?”

“Hmm,” Jensen responds, making an exaggerated face like he’s thinking really hard about it before he shakes his head. “No.”

“No?” Jared laughs. “I’m pretty sure they’re hazel. And they’re in my head, so…”

“I’m sorry to inform you, but you’re wrong,” Jensen tells him. “Hazel isn’t gonna do it. It doesn’t quite capture how unique they are.”

“Oh yeah?” Jared asks.

“That’s right.” Jensen smirks up at him. “No, let’s see. Your eyes are…have you ever seen a mandarinfish?”

“A what?” Jared laughs. “What does that—?”

“Mandarin dragonets are these amazing little fish,” he holds his hands up forming a circle to demonstrate, “about that size. They’re indigenous to the Pacific Coast from China to Australia, but they’re also quite common in aquariums. I’m sure you’ve seen them before. Rich people have aquariums, right?”

“Sure,” Jared agrees. “Not that I don’t love all your cool animal facts, but what on Earth does this have to do with my eye color?”

“Mandarinfish are blue and green and yellow and brown and orange and generally thought to be the most colorful fish on the planet. And that is what color your eyes are. They are mandarin dragonet-colored.”

Jared snorts and pushes Jensen away. “You sound like a romance novel. ‘Fish-colored eyes.’”

“Listen, I could write an amazing romance novel if I felt like it,” Jensen says. “I’ve got bodice-ripping material for days.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Jared bites his bottom lip as he grins at Jensen. “Are we committed to a fish here? Fish kind of wig me out. Isn’t there some great, colorful bird that you could decide my eyes remind you of?”

“Oh no,” Jensen says. “This isn’t a debate. They are mandarinfish-colored.”

“Okay,” Jared concedes. “You’re the expert. My eyes are fishy.”

“Mandarin dragonets specifically,” Jensen insists. “Not just any old fish.”

“Gosh, that makes me feel better.”

Jensen takes his hand and squeezes it. “Does it?”

The way he asks, his gaze meeting Jared’s directly, is so clearly about more than this ridiculous conversation he’s orchestrated. 

“Yeah, but, uh, bad news.” Jensen’s expression goes concerned, and Jared gives him a shit-eating grin. “I don’t know enough about animals to say if yours are more snake or frog-colored.”

“They’re green,” Jensen says, rolling the eyes in question. “Just green.”

“That’s what I would have gone with, too,” Jared says. “Until I realized we were getting creative.”

“Well, I’m glad we can agree on something,” Jensen says, dragging him out of the bathroom by the hand that’s still caught in his own. “Now come help me enjoy this amazing suite. What the hell are we doing spending all our time locked in a bathroom for?”

Jared points back in the direction they left. “You don’t want to try out the tub? It’s big enough for both of us.”

Jensen turns to face him mid-stride, his mouth hanging open. “No shit?”

“None whatsoever,” Jared assures him.

“There’s just too much!” Jensen says dramatically. “I don’t know where to begin fucking in a place like this!”

Jared laughs as he continues to follow Jensen toward the bed, until Jensen lets go of him, moving toward the main room of the suite.

“I didn’t even realize you could have a separate bedroom in a hotel,” Jensen is saying as he disappears into the next room. 

Jared takes a seat at the foot of the bed, looking around and trying to imagine the space through Jensen’s eyes. He’s spent about as much time here as he has at home since he got back from college, enjoyed it as his place to get away from his parent’s house, so it’s not that he’s never appreciated the Winchester before. He was just taking comfort in different luxuries than the ones Jensen is so enthused by.

“There’s a grand piano,” Jensen informs him, as if there was a chance Jared missed it when they came in. “In a hotel room! What for? Won’t it bother the other rooms? Never mind! We have the whole floor.”

Jared laughs as Jensen reappears with two glasses. “There’s coffee and tea options available in room, but if we would prefer they bring us up something freshly brewed instead of having to do it ourselves, there’s a number to push for that on the phone. I’m gonna ask Misha about adding that service the next time I’m at the Fallen Pines. Just to see if it’ll get a reaction.”

“He doesn’t react to much,” Jared observes.

Jensen nods solemnly. “That’s why it’s my duty as his friend to fuck with him on every possible occasion. Just to try to get a rise. You know, so we can be sure he’s still alive back there.”

“The best kind of friend.” Jensen preens at the compliment as if it was sincere, and Jared shakes his head before pointing to the champagne flutes. “You’re serious about that champagne, huh?”

“Hell yes, I’m serious,” Jensen says. “We have to sample all the perks, Jared. I’ve never stayed in a hotel like this. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’ve ever stayed in a hotel.”

“I’m glad you like it so much,” Jared says, content to sit back and watch Jensen flitter from one place to the next. “I like it here, too.”

He hears a cork pop and shortly thereafter Jensen reemerges from the bathroom, both glasses nearly overflowing with bubbly liquid. “We should pretend we’re somewhere fabulous. Like Paris or New York or, I don’t know. Where should we go?”

“You choose,” Jared tells him. “I’ll be happy anywhere as long as…”

Jensen hands him his drink and he gratefully accepts it, taking a sip instead of finishing his sentence.

“I don’t know how I could pick just one place,” Jensen muses. "When I was little, I used to go to the library downtown. It was bigger than the one in my neighborhood, and they had this incredible backlog of National Geographic magazines. I mean going back to the eighties. I started with the oldest and I'd spend entire days just poring through them. I can't remember if I ever got caught up, but man, hours and hours looking at the pictures, spreading them out on the floor, making a goddamn mess. Thinking I'd go all over the world someday and see those animals up close."

"You still can, you're young." Jared grins. "Not for much longer, but—"

Jensen hits him in the face with a pillow, nearly spilling his drink, and says, "I'm not that much older than you are, you little brat."

"Guess I better get on it, too, then."

"I bet you've already been all over," Jensen says. "I've never left Texas. Farthest I've ever gone was San Antonio. School fieldtrip. I remember the Alamo, Jared. It was hotter than Hell and I drank all my water so fast I spent the whole tour thinking how much I needed to take a piss."

Jared laughs at that, then says, "To be fair, Texas is pretty big."

"Yeah, but it's not exactly..." Jensen trails off for a few moments, then asks, "Do you like traveling?"

"Eh." Jared sets his glass down on the floor and relaxes back on the bed. "Never much liked going on vacations with my parents. Harder to get away from them. And nowadays it's mostly business trips with my dad, which is even worse. But I did some study abroad in college. That was pretty cool."

He leaves it there hoping Jensen won't ask for more information. The truth is, he'd be ashamed to go into detail after seeing the way Jensen's face lit up just at the idea of seeing all those places photographed in National Geographic. Jared's been to some of them. He's never paid enough attention to be impressed. He took it all for granted.

"Why don't you come with me next time?" he asks, turning onto his side so he can look down the bed to where Jensen is sitting. "To Hong Kong for business. And then we can sneak off to the Philippines or wherever to see that fish of yours in the wild."

Jensen laughs. "I genuinely can't tell if you're serious or not."

"Would you say yes?" Jared asks. "If I was, would you say yes?"

"I don't honestly know," says Jensen.

Jared lets himself imagine it for a moment: him and Jensen, years from now, flying off to pockets of the world where no one would know or care who or what they are. Somewhere so far he could pretend Jensen loves him and they're just some normal couple, and nothing has to remind him that it's all fake. Jensen could see all the things he deserves to, things he probably would only ever get to dream about otherwise. It could be good. It could be good for everyone.

Jared reaches out and Jensen takes the hint, finishing his glass of champagne and setting it on the nightstand before taking Jared’s hand and letting Jared ease him onto his back. Jensen watches him closely, deliberately undoing the tie on his robe and letting it fall open so Jared can see all the pale, freckled skin underneath.

He moves closer and begins to kiss his way down Jensen's chest, just because that's allowed. There's no rule against Jared kissing him anywhere except where it counts. This doesn't bother Jensen, and Jared very nearly doesn't care at all that Jensen won't ever love him, doesn't even like him. Jared is used to that. He knows how to go without. What matters here is that for the brief moments when he gets this, for the first time in his life, Jared kind of likes himself. He likes who he is when he loves. He doesn't want to stop.

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go," Jared mutters against Jensen's belly button. "I mean it."

Jensen threads his fingers in Jared's hair as Jared moves lower and begins to kiss him just above the neatly trimmed triangle of hair over his cock.

"Take me all the way," Jensen tells him.

So Jared does.

_______________________________________________________________

First thing when he wakes up the next morning, Jared reaches for Jensen. He’s hoping for solid proof that the night before wasn’t just a good dream, but his fingers slide along high thread count sheets and he opens his eyes to confirm that the other side of the bed is empty, the comforter thrown back.

He reflects on the night before, realizing they hadn’t negotiated terms, and his heart falls through the floor. Maybe Jensen assumed his work was done and left. If that’s the case, Jared’s whole plan for the last week of his life will be ruined. He didn’t even say goodbye.

The panic is short-lived. Jared gets out of bed like a shot and immediately begins searching the suite. It’s big for a hotel room, but there still aren’t that many places to check. He finds nothing in the bathroom, but as soon as he enters the main room, he sees Jensen standing at the floor-to-ceiling window with his hands pressed to the glass, staring out at the city.

Jared takes about half a minute just to breath, let his heartbeat even out, and then he crosses the room, wrapping his arms around Jensen from behind.

“Good morning,” he says, pressing his lips to Jensen’s neck. “What do you think of this view? Best in the city, if you ask me.”

Jensen hardly moves to acknowledge him. He sounds almost like he’s in a daze as he says, “Do people live like this?”

Jared lets go of him and takes a step back, sensing that Jensen isn’t in quite the same enthusiastic frame of mind as he’d been last night and wanting to take the time to understand why and how before he says something stupid or dismissive and chases Jensen off even a moment sooner than he has to.

When Jared doesn’t answer, Jensen turns to face him. “Do people really live like this?”

“Yes,” Jared says simply, deciding that honesty without any further commentary is the most cautious approach.

Jensen licks his lips like he’s preparing to say something, then just shakes his head, at a loss for words. He gestures vaguely in the direction of the windows but doesn’t add anything else.

“Do you want to live like this?” Jensen tilts his head like he doesn’t understand, so Jared smiles as reassuringly as he can, taking Jensen’s hand. “For a few days, at least? I have the room until the 30th. There’s somewhere I have to be on New Year’s Eve, but until then, we could stay here and I’ll give you $3,000 a day just for—”

“It’s Christmas in two days,” Jensen points out.

Jared’s smile grows. “Yeah. I was thinking we could make a whole thing of it. Go out to see something Christmas-y, order a feast from the—"

“You really think I’m free to just spend Christmas with you?” Jensen asks, and Jared feels his face fall. “What? Because of how I make my money there’s no way anyone cares enough to want to see me on the holidays?”

“That’s not…” Jared turns away from him. “Jensen, that’s not what I was saying.”

“Not sure what else you could have meant,” Jensen says coolly.

“I don’t,” Jared whispers.

“What?”

With some effort, Jared lifts his head and looks Jensen directly in the eyes, hoping that if he’s honest enough, even if it’s torture to have to say it out loud, Jensen will see that for once he genuinely didn’t mean something the shitty way it sounded.

“I don’t have anyone who cares about me,” he admits. “Not enough to want to see me on a holiday. Not unless there are cameras involved.”

Jensen steps forward like he’s about to say something, but before he gets the chance, words start pouring out of Jared, and he can’t make himself stop.

“You’re right that it didn’t occur to me that you might have family to be with, and you’re right that I should have thought of that. But it’s not because I see you as being unworthy. If I didn’t think you were special enough to spend the holidays with, I wouldn’t have offered you a small fortune to spend them with me. I just didn’t realize anyone actually…I forgot that some people are wanted. All I’ve been able to dream of since I got the idea to bring you here is that maybe you could make me feel happy on Christmas, like all those people on TV.”

Jared watches Jensen’s face as he talks for as long as he can, but he turns away before he’s done, not able to confront all the pity in Jensen’s expression.

“I’m sorry,” he says when Jared goes quiet. “I shouldn’t have assumed you meant the worst. That was shitty of me, okay? Honestly, the hotel got to me a little bit and I was intimidated, but I had no right to take that out on you. I know you and I know you don’t think of me like that. I’m the asshole this time.”

“No, you’re not a—” Jared starts, but Jensen cuts him off.

“We don’t start celebrating until tomorrow evening,” Jensen says. “If you want I could stay until then.”

“You’d really do that?” Jared asks.

Jensen smiles. “Of course. We can have a nice mini-Christmas, right?”

Jared nods, feeling a little like a child being pacified, but pacified nonetheless.

“What do you wanna do first, hmm?” Jensen asks. “What does my Jared want for Christmas? We could test out that big bathtub.”

Jared thinks over the vague plans he made for how they might spend this week, quickly sorting through options to see which one thing stands out most now that that’s all the time Jensen can give him.

He finally settles on one, something he thought Jensen might like, but which is probably as likely to get him laughed at as it is to get taken up. He blushes and turns his face to the floor as he says, “I’m sure you’ve been to the zoo a thousand times, but there’s an event this time of year at night, they have all these light displays…” 

“You want to go to the zoo,” Jensen says. “With me.”

Jared shrugs dismissively. “I thought you might like it.”

“Isn’t the zoo a little bit…outside?” Jensen waves toward the city skyline. “Around other people? Someone could see us.”

“I don’t care about that,” Jared tells him. “Not right now. I’m not going to keep you locked up in this room with me all day. We can go out wherever you want. If you want to, that is.”

“Uh, yeah, dude, the zoo sounds fucking awesome,” Jensen replies. Jared lifts his head to see if Jensen is messing with him or not, and the look of excitement on his face seems genuine. Suddenly, Jensen’s lips turn down. “Just one little problem.”

“Oh yeah?” Jared asks, ready to throw as much money as needed at anything that might come between him and a day of watching Jensen smile over otters and talk his ear off about monkey eating habits. “What’s that?”

“I didn’t bring any other clothes,” Jensen says, gesturing at himself. “I had to steal yours.”

Jared looks at the oversized t shirt and boxers Jensen has on, not having had the mind to think of what he was wearing until now. His heart catches as he recognizes the worn Stanford logo on the shirt and the ugly red and green plaid of the underwear.

“You’re wearing my clothes,” he says stupidly.

“Sorry,” Jensen replies, looking down at the shirt. “I felt weird walking around naked, and the romper is as comfortable as it looks. So I grabbed these from your bag. I thought it would be okay.”

“Okay?” Jared gives him a close-lipped smirk. “You look really hot like this.”

He leaves it at that, tamping down the urge to say something completely inappropriate, like _you look mine_.

“Thanks,” Jensen says, scratching the back of his neck. “Unfortunately, I’m not sure there’s any belt on earth that’ll make your pants fit me.”

“That’s okay. I, uh, kind of thought of this,” Jared admits.

Jensen lifts an eyebrow in question, so Jared turns back to the bedroom, quirking his head for Jensen to follow him. He starts laying out shirts and pants on the bed before Jensen is even in the room.

“I had to guess your size, but at least some of it should fit.”

“That’s a whole new wardrobe,” Jensen observes, not moving closer to the bed, but clearly eying the things Jared has set out. “You bought me clothes?”

“I don’t want to pretend it was unselfish,” says Jared. “I thought we would be spending several days together, and I couldn’t be seen with you, here, wearing what you wear. I know that sounds like I have a problem with how you dress. I don’t, Jensen. But others would and I—”

“I understand your situation, Jared.” Jensen gives him a reassuring smile. “I’m not upset.”

Jared sinks down to the bed in relief, because he knows that just a month or two ago, Jensen would have taken this as an insult. He was nervous about even offering, worried it might actually _be_ an insult.

“Still…” Jensen picks up a pair of jeans and winces when he sees the tag. “Jared, I can’t accept any of this. This stuff costs more than all the clothes I own put together.”

“To be fair, the stuff you buy is pretty scarce with the fabric, so that reduces cost quite a bit.”

Jensen huffs a laugh, but he doesn’t let it drop. “That’s cute, but you know it’s not why.”

Jared licks his lips. “I like shopping. It was fun. Stress relief.”

“I’ve noticed,” Jensen teases. “You’re a total label whore.”

“What an inappropriate thing to say,” Jared replies, reaching up to clutch an imaginary string of pearls. Jensen laughs easily, which is most of what was on Jared’s wish list this year.

They’re both quiet for a long moment and Jared takes the time to formulate a line of reasoning that might work on Jensen.

“It’s a uniform for your job,” Jared argues. “You wouldn’t expect to pay for work pants and no-slide shoes if you got hired at a McDonald’s, would you?”

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not,” Jensen says, squinting at him. “You know people do usually have to pay for those things themselves, right?”

“What?” Jared exclaims. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Jensen responds dryly.

“Man, capitalism is a disaster,” Jared observes.

Jensen snorts. “Welcome to the revolution, comrade.” He hesitates a bit longer and then says, “How about I keep what I wear today and tomorrow and you can return the rest?”

“Deal.” Jared hops to his feet. “Let’s get ready to go, then! I’ll jump in the shower while you pick an outfit.”

“I’ll join you in a few minutes,” Jensen says, throwing Jared a look full of promise. “It’s huge and there’s a _bench_. The zoo can wait.”

_______________________________________________________________

“This one looks like you,” Jensen says, pointing toward the nearest habitat with his cotton candy. “Tell me you don’t see it.”

The giraffe in question seems to have gotten his neck tangled in some branches he was trying to eat.

“I don’t see it,” Jared replies, playing at annoyed. “Anymore than I saw the resemblance with the grizzly bear—”

“He had big hands!” Jensen defends. “ _You_ have big hands!”

“Or the lion,” Jared continues.

“Dumb hair,” Jensen rebuts. “And he was passed out on a rock.”

“Sounds more like my college roommate Chad than me,” Jared mutters.

“You at least will grant that the warthog was uncanny,” Jensen demands.

“Okay,” Jared admits. “The warthog maybe had one or two strong and commanding facial features that I share.”

Jensen laughs, pulling a piece of powder blue fluff off the stick and holding it out to Jared like a reward for finally agreeing with him. Jared surges forward and eats it right from his fingers, not even thinking to be self-conscious about it until he pulls back and glances around on instinct.

“No one is paying attention to us,” Jensen tells him softly. “We’re okay.”

“Of course no one is,” Jared says with forced ease, trying to pretend Jensen didn’t see what just happened happen. “I know that.”

Jensen purses his lips but lets it go, steering them in the direction of the zebras. “Would you believe I haven’t been here in years? I think the last time was when I brought my little sister for her twelfth birthday.”

Two things happen in Jared at the exact same moment. Part of him lifts impossibly high, thrilled by the small bit of information Jensen has chosen to share about himself. Another, uglier part stings with his own selfish thoughts, with sadness and envy.

“You have a little sister?” he asks, and his voice sounds weird even in his own ears.

Jensen must not catch it. “Yeah, Mac. Mackenzie actually, but she hates her name. Won’t respond unless you call her Mac. She’s 8 years younger than me.”

“So she’s 57?” Jared jokes, hoping saying something stupid will send them down an easier path, one where they can argue about which lemur does or does not resemble Jared.

“She’s younger than you are, you little shit!” Jensen slaps him playfully on the chest.

Jared laughs and Jensen watches him with a grin. It’s obvious that he cares about his sister, that talking about her has opened up a part of Jensen that Jared has never had access to, so despite his own baggage, Jared says, “Will you tell me about them? Your little sister and the rest of the family that you spend the holiday with. Only if you’re comfortable, of course.”

“Let’s see. It’s really just me and my mom and Mac.” Jensen shrugs. “We’re a small unit, but we’re close.”

“What about your father?” Jared asks.

“Never really had one,” Jensen answers. “I hardly knew Mac’s dad, either, and he didn’t come around again after mom got pregnant. And before you start thinking I have daddy issues that made me turn to a life of sin or something, it’s not like that at all. Around where I come from, it’s weirder to have a dad than not. It’s never really been a factor for me.”

“You know I don’t think like that about you anymore, right?” Jared pauses to make sure Jensen is looking at him, can see how much he means this. “I know you aren’t doing what you do because of abuse or something. I get that now.”

Jensen smiles just a bit. “Sorry, I’m used to being defensive about it. People assume so much shit when they know you sell sex. It gets exhausting.”

“I can imagine.” Jared leans back against the guard rail outside the nearest enclosure. “Dads aren’t that great anyway. You’re not missing out.”

Laughing, Jensen says. “Yeah, they don’t come highly recommended. I kind of like that it was always just us. I helped raise Mac, you know. And in a few months she’s gonna graduate high school. She’s gonna go to _college_ in the fall. I know that probably doesn’t sound like a big deal to you, but she’ll be the first in the family. It’s just the local community college. I can’t afford to send her where she deserves. But I’m still pretty proud of that.”

“You should be,” Jared says. “That’s amazing.”

Jensen’s grin grows, and he gets totally lost in what he’s saying. “She’s so smart, man, quick as a whip. You’d like her. She’s gonna be a vet someday.”

“Oh, Jensen,” Jared says in a tone of deep disappointment. Jensen’s eyebrows draw together in question, and Jared shakes his head. “You made her watch the nature shows, didn’t you?”

Jensen beams at him. “So the vet thing might maybe be my fault a little bit.”

“A little bit,” Jared mutters doubtfully.

Jensen looks out at the nearby display, flamingos and a big artificial lake they’re all sticking their long necks into, and Jared can see that he’s considering whether to share more or not. Jared understands why when he says, “My mom is really sick. She has been for a long time. That’s why I stepped in and took care of us so much.”

“I’m so sorry, Jensen,” Jared says. “What does she have?”

He realizes only after he asks it that that’s probably not a question you ask, and he wants to hurl himself into the nearby alligator pool, but Jensen doesn’t get any more visibly upset than he already was.

“It’s a kind of cancer,” Jensen tells him. “We just found out.”

“Oh,” Jared replies, not sure what else to say.

“The doctor said it could have been operated on if we caught it sooner, but we couldn’t afford the tests until…”

It hits Jared like a slap across the face when Jensen doesn’t say more, and he can’t resist confirming his suspicion. “How much did the tests cost?”

Jensen’s lips thin and he looks away from Jared, unable to meet his eyes. “About $4,800, all told.”

Understanding sinks through Jared’s bones and he feels very suddenly like he’s going to be sick. “You didn’t kiss me because you _wanted_ the money. You did it because you didn’t have a choice.”

“Jared, leave it.”

He can’t. All those months back, he pushed and pushed because he thought it wasn’t a big deal, thought Jensen would be thrilled to have so much extra cash to burn through, and it turns out the whole time, Jared was playing with Jensen’s mother’s health. All because it never occurred to him that someone in the world might actually need money for more than just shoes and five star hotel rooms.

“I should have just given you the money,” he says. “I should have given you mor—”

“I wouldn’t have accepted it. I don’t ever want to take your money without earning it. And it’s been months since I stopped being mad about that kiss. I don’t regret doing it.”

“Can I help somehow?” Jared asks. “Is there some medicine I can buy, or…?”

Despite the conversation they’re having, Jensen smiles at him, maybe the warmest he ever has. “You have any idea how much it means to me that you would ask that?”

“So you’ll let me?” Jared asks hopefully. “We’ll get her the best treatment money can buy, I promise.”

Jensen shakes his head. “It’s too late, Jared. We’re already doing everything we can for her at this point. Thanks to that money you gave me, we at least started doing something about it. She’s gonna have months now that she might not have without you.”

“I should have helped sooner,” Jared says, tugging at his hair. “I should have—"

“You can’t fix every problem in the world with money,” Jensen says, taking Jared’s hands and lowering them. “Not even you. I know you would already have done it if it was possible.”

“Still, if I’d paid you more from the start…”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference, man,” Jensen replies. “We would have had to catch it years ago, long before you met me, to really stop it. Some things aren’t your fault, okay? Some things are just shitty.”

Jared frowns at how much Jensen seems to have accepted the worst possible outcome, but he realizes that it’s probably annoying, having some rich kid make something like this about himself instead of what Jensen is going through. So he drops it and decides that since Jensen has shared so much with him, he should return the favor.

“I had a little sister once,” he admits.

Jensen looks at him with interest but doesn’t urge him on, letting Jared decide whether to carry the conversation forward. Jared struggles with the decision for a spell. He hasn’t talked about this in nearly a decade. His parents won’t and there’s no one else…

She deserves to be talked about, he decides. She deserves to be remembered.

“She was the greatest joy of my life,” Jared says. “Even though…she…”

“I’m so sorry, Jared,” Jensen says, turning his body fully to face him. “I had no idea.”

Jared shrugs. “We don’t really talk about her much. My parents—they act as if all she ever did was die. Like that’s all that she did. But she lived, too. For seven years she was my best friend. She was so _good_ , Jensen. Never complained. Not once.”

“I bet she was wonderful,” Jensen says.

“She was. Everyone loved her. You couldn’t help loving her. Even Mom and Dad did. With me, I was always supposed to be a certain thing, you know? Not a kid to them. Just a means to an end. All I could do was disappoint them. But she was their baby. They doted on her.”

“That must have been hard,” Jensen observes. “For a kid to understand, them treating you so differently.”

“You would think, but,” Jared shakes his head, “I never resented it. I felt the same as they did. She was our little angel. And when we had her, she held us together. We were almost like a family for those seven years.”

Jensen looks so sad, like hearing this is somehow worse than everything he just told Jared five minutes ago. “What happened to her?”

“She was always sick,” Jared explains. “The kind of sick you can’t fix with money. But that’s not all she was. I feel happy when I think of her. She lived so much more than she died. She was the only person who’s ever loved me. I hate that they make me act like she didn’t even exist.”

Jensen steps forward and wraps Jared in a tight hug, and it’s not until then that Jared realizes he’d been crying. He lets himself bask in the embrace for about a minute before he steps back, wiping at his eyes and laughing at himself.

“Man, this is one challenging trip to the zoo, huh?”

The laugh Jensen barks out in surprise is warm and he points Jared down the path, toward the seal exhibit, obviously trying to lighten the mood. “Hey, would you look at that little guy? You know who he reminds me of?”

“Me?” Jared guesses as they approach.

“Not every animal looks like you, Jared,” Jensen says, as if he wasn’t the one who started that game. “He kinda looks like Oscar, doesn’t he?”

“Oh, fuck Oscar!” Jared says as soon as Jensen mentions the dog. “Shit! Is Oscar okay? I didn’t even think of that. You’ve been gone for hours does he—”

“Hey, relax,” Jensen says, laughing as he puts his hands on Jared’s shoulders. “I texted Danni last night while you were in the bathroom. She looks after him when I don’t have a place for him to stay. She complains about it, but I’m sure they’re still snuggled up in bed together at this very moment. Bartending has really made a day sleeper out of her.”

“Danni is the redhead, right?” Jared clarifies.

“Right, yeah.” Jensen smiles as the seal jumps into the water and starts swimming laps, and he continues talking as he watches. “I forgot you don’t really know Danni. She’s been my best friend since the third grade. She offered to share a Snack Pack with me at lunch once, and I couldn’t even believe people so generous existed.”

Jared laughs. “In fairness, I’m a grown adult and I still wouldn’t share my Snack Pack.”

“Yeah, well, turns out she just doesn’t like chocolate and was looking for a way to get to my Fruit Roll-up.”

“The ultimate betrayal,” Jared says dramatically.

Jensen snickers. “Anyway, my point is, Oscar’s fine. He’s one spoiled little street pup.”

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t know street dogs were an actual thing.” Jared stops to watch the seal leap above the water on a turn and then continues, “In my neighborhood, someone tried to have an outdoor cat once and the neighbors called Animal Control three times in the first week. They stopped letting her out after that.”

“Well, outdoor cats are technically an invasive species,” Jensen tells him. “They actually kill a ton of—”

“You’re doing it again,” Jared points out.

“Dammit!” Jensen snaps. “I just can’t stop spouting animal facts!”

Jared laughs. “There are worse addictions, I suppose.”

“I don’t think Oscar was meant to be a street dog. I mean, look at him, he’s one of those fancy hypoallergenic breeds.”

“How’d he end up your pimp, then?”

“Ah, poor little guy had a really bad bone condition when I found him. He was just a puppy but he could hardly walk by then. Apparently it’s not uncommon for his breed, but the surgery to fix it costs a ridiculous amount. My best guess is that some family bought him from a breeder, then dropped him where they thought no one would care about a dying dog when they decided he’d be too expensive to keep.”

“Fuck, that’s awful,” Jared replies. “No offense, but how did, uh—?”

“How did I manage to pay for that surgery?” Jensen guesses.

Jared nods, a little embarrassed to have asked the question, but Jensen gives him one of those smirks that usually makes his dick get hard in moments.

“I found a vet who _really_ likes saving animals,” he says and then after a pause adds, “and _really really_ likes how I suck his dick.”

He laughs at how _Jensen_ a solution to the problem that is. “Of course you did.”

“Hey, Jeff is a crazy hot vet,” Jensen replies smugly. “I love taking Oscar in for his yearly check-up.”

“He’s so lucky to have you,” says Jared. “A dick-sucking superhero, that’s what you are.”

“I do try not to brag.” Jensen’s smile falters then and he admits, “I sometimes think I should try to find him another home now that he’s healthy. Get him off the streets. But he’s been my friend for almost three years now. I love having him around. And it’s no joke that he keeps me safer. We’re a good team.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to take him?” Jared asks.

“Not always,” Jensen admits. “Long term, I live with my mom and my sister, but he has to stay out in the hallway because we’re worried he’ll knock some of Mom’s equipment over. He’s not very well-trained, as you’ve noticed.”

“Even if you keep an eye on him, make sure he stays in your room?”

“I used to sleep on the couch,” Jensen says. “Back when my mom and sister could share the bed. Now Mom needs more space, so Mac sleeps on the couch. I end up on the floor when I stay over there.”

Jared winces, because there he goes again, just assuming people have things that they don’t. But Jensen waves him off.

“It’s not that big a deal, Jared. Half of the time I get lucky and I can convince a john to get a room for the whole night, and then there’s Danni’s when that’s available. I really only stay at Mom’s when I’ve exhausted other options. Love them to death, but the three of us in that little space—we do tend to drive each other nuts.”

“But you pay for it,” Jared guesses. “You can’t afford to get a place for yourself because your mom can’t work and you want your sister to focus on school. So you end up with nowhere to go.”

“I’m happy to do it,” Jensen insists. “They’re my family.”

“You must love them very much.”

Jensen smiles and simply says, “I do.”

Jared licks his lips. “Do they know, uh…what you do?”

“Mom does,” Jensen says. “I told her when I was considering starting hustling. She really talked it through with me, made sure it was what I thought was best, and then she respected it. Never made me feel like she wasn’t proud of me because of it. I’ve got a great Mom.”

“And Mac?” Jared asks.

“I don’t know,” Jensen admits. “I’ve never told her, but she’s so smart. I imagine there’s no way she hasn’t figured it out.”

“She wouldn’t be any less proud of you either,” Jared assures him.

“No, I know that.” Jensen bites his bottom lip. “I didn’t keep it from her because I was ashamed or anything. I just…kids are cruel, you know? I didn’t want her to accidentally say something at school and end up getting picked on. Lots of moms and big sisters do sex work where we live. Mostly dancers. It’s like not having a dad, no one really makes a thing out of it. But, uh. Not a lot of big brothers.”

“I hear that,” Jared replies, recognizing that his and Jensen’s challenges are very different, but this one at least stems from something he understands. There are lots of things about him that aren’t good enough, that his parents don’t accept about him, it’s not just the gay thing. But who he fucks would be right at the top of the list if they knew. It’s not all that surprising that even someone as comfortable in his sexuality as Jensen has to deal with some version of that.

“I know you do,” Jensen says softly.

He takes Jared’s hand then and smiles at him, and Jared hates himself so much for the fact that his instant, gut reaction is to pull his hand away and take a step back. Jensen’s expression immediately changes.

“Fuck!” he says. “I’m so sorry, Jared. I forgot—that was so unprofessional, and I know you can’t be seen like that, and I—shit.”

“It’s okay,” Jared says, stepping forward. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”

“I knew better than to put you in a position where you had to react to it,” Jensen tells him. “I lost sight of the job.”

Hearing Jensen refer to what they’re doing like that just makes Jared feel worse. The reminder that all of this has been Jensen giving him what he thinks Jared wants, and he took Jared’s hand because of some miscalculation. Not because he wanted to. Nothing he does with Jared is because he wants to.

“Let’s just forget it,” he says. “We still haven’t seen the elephants.”

Jensen takes a moment to put it behind him, but when he does, he does it in exactly the way Jared should have expected. “Elephants almost never forget anything, you know. It’s how they survive in the wild.”

“You should pay me to listen to this,” Jared jokes.

“I am making you a better-educated, more well-rounded person,” Jensen replies. “You should be paying extra for these juicy tidbits.”

They continue to tease each other as they make their way to the elephant enclosure, grateful for the break between more serious subjects. When they get there, Jensen talks about life on the savannah, and Jared watches him, only half listening, more interested in how Jensen’s face lights up when he’s like this than in the details.

After Jared is quiet for too long a time, Jensen seems to realize it, and he looks over sheepishly. “God, shut me up. I can’t help myself.”

“I love it,” Jared says. He realizes that came too quickly and was too close to a bigger admission, but he doesn’t want to take it back, so he just shrugs. “I love listening to you, Jensen.”

“I really like that you listen,” Jensen admits, and even though the word choice carefully avoids that word Jared can’t stop throwing around, his tone is honey sweet and Jared will take it, even if Jensen doesn’t feel the same as him. He believes that Jensen at least is fond.

“When you go back to your mom and your sister tomorrow…” Jared shakes his head. “Never mind. Forget it.”

“No, go ahead,” Jensen encourages him. “I’m happy to talk to you about my life, Jared, it’s not some big secret. If there’s something you want to know, just ask.”

“Is there a boyfriend who celebrates with you?” he asks. “Is there a Jason?”

“Not since the actual Jason,” Jensen says. “To be perfectly honest, it’s pretty hard to keep a relationship with my job. People can say they’re okay with something in theory, but when someone you love is out having sex with a lot of other people, it’s not as easy to accept. I tried so hard to keep him. Made rules for what I would and wouldn’t do, always checked in, got his damn name tattooed on me so everyone would know who I really belonged to. At the end of the day, it wasn’t enough.”

“He must be the stupidest man alive,” says Jared.

Jensen smiles just a little out of one side of his mouth. “That’s nice of you to say, but he wasn’t. I understand why he got so controlling toward the end. I mean, I’m basically the world’s biggest hypocrite. I’m pretty possessive myself.”

“I’ve noticed,” Jared says, laughing. “And I’m just a client. I cant imagine what it’s like for someone you actually care about.”

Jensen grips the bars in front of him tightly and makes a face Jared can’t read. “Not all that different, really.”

“He’s still an idiot, if you ask me,” Jared insists. “Having you, really having someone like you, and wanting more. I’d give anything to—I mean. For someone so special to care about me. I can’t imagine demanding anything else.”

“You really don’t have a jealous bone in your body, do you?” Jensen asks, looking right through him.

“No one has ever felt anything for me. That really puts what is and what isn’t worth getting protective over into a different perspective.” Jared ducks his head away from Jensen’s gaze. “If someone like you gave me every part of him that mattered, how could I begrudge some poor john like me something as meaningless as a few fucks?”

“I don’t know that I would call what we do meaningless,” Jensen replies.

“You know it’s not meaningless to me,” Jared says. “But I know what this is for you. It’s good, but it’s not…I’m not the person you come home to and kiss goodnight.”

“I don’t kiss anyone,” Jensen says. “Not since he left. At least not until we…”

“I want to be ashamed of what I did to you that night, Jensen. But I can’t really. It’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I don’t want you to be ashamed,” Jensen says. “I’m glad I kissed you now. At the time, things were different.”

“I _forced_ you,” Jared says, disgusted with himself. “Knowing you didn’t want to. Just because I could. I violated you.”

“I wouldn’t say you violated me,” Jensen responds after some thought. “I made the choice to do it.”

“You couldn’t really say no,” he argues.

“I didn’t feel violated, Jared. I felt cheap.” Jensen meets his eyes. “You made me feel cheap.”

Jared shakes his head, not understanding how being paid $5,000 for a kiss could make someone feel that way, but knowing he has no right to tell Jensen what he felt is wrong.

“I have this one thing I don’t sell, that I keep for me and for people I feel a certain way about, and you proved that it _was_ for sale. It made me feel cheap. That’s why I was so angry. It’s not because I didn’t like kissing you. The money bought something important. You have to let go of being angry at yourself for it.”

“Make me,” Jared mutters petulantly.

Jensen laughs and dismisses the question as easy as that.

“C’mon, Jared,” he says. “Follow me to the aquarium. I want to show you your fish.”

_______________________________________________________________

“I’m so tired,” Jared complains. “How did I get this tired from walking around a zoo for a few hours?”

“Well, it was most of the day and then an hour after it got dark, and then we came back here and there was all the sex, so all in all, a pretty good workout.”

“Worth it.” Jared feels a warm cloth land on his face as Jensen returns to the bedroom and he uses it to wipe the come off his stomach.

“To see surfing Santa? Hell yeah it was.”

Jared sits up just enough to glare at Jensen. “I wasn’t talking about the light displays.”

“Oh, you meant all the life-altering sex,” Jensen says. “That was pretty okay, too.”

Jared rolls his eyes and drops back onto his pillow. “I don’t have to listen to this. I could fall asleep at any moment.”

“You don’t want to burn a yule log and drink hot cider?” Jensen asks. “Because, I mean, we have a fireplace and the cider will come in less than ten minutes if we press 7 and ask nicely.”

Jared smiles at the ceiling despite himself. He forgot to tell the hotel not to decorate their room while they were out today, and he was worried Jensen would be upset when they walked in and saw how everything had transformed, since the string lights and tree really just serve as a reminder that Jared had assumed they would be spending the holiday together.

Instead, Jensen exclaimed over how cute it all looked, and then he made Jared sit by the tree with him for a few hours, watching It’s a Wonderful Life, because that’s a tradition apparently, even though Jensen talked through half the movie about how hokey it was. Maybe that’s part of the tradition, too.

Anyway, it all ended in Jared wearing a Santa hat and nothing else on the couch while Jensen sat on his lap, so he doesn’t have any real complaints.

He feels the bed dip as Jensen climbs onto it and unceremoniously plops down, dropping his weight half on top of Jared.

"Do you just wake up in the morning and go straight to staring in the mirror?" Jensen asks, his fingers tracing the dips of Jared's abs.

Jared laughs. "I really seem that vain to you?"

"No," Jensen answers, resting his chin on Jared's stomach as he grins up at him. "You're just that insanely hot."

He rolls his eyes with a dismissive huff and Jensen asks, "Do you always think people are lying to you whenever they say something nice, or is it just when it comes from me?"

"Well, I do pay you to be nice to me, so there's that."

“You pay me to have sex with you,” Jensen clarifies. “Which I can still do flawlessly while being mean, if I feel like it.”

“I will take your word for it,” Jared replies. “No need to demonstrate.”

"You still didn't answer the question," Jensen points out. The guy never lets Jared get away with anything.

Jared licks his lips and looks up at the ceiling as he shrugs. "There's not really anyone else to believe or disbelieve."

For a long time, Jensen is silent. He resumes measuring finger-lengths across Jared's stomach until finally he whispers, "It doesn't make sense for you to be lonely."

The observation seems to come from nowhere, and Jared wants to jerk away from him. Call an end to this. Go home to his big, empty house. It would be safer there. He forces himself to stay put, trying not to squirm under the softness of Jensen's scrutiny.

"If you let someone see you like I did today, they would love you. You wouldn't ever have to be lonely."

Jared doesn't point out the obvious, that he's let Jensen see and that hasn't changed anything. Instead he takes Jensen's wrist, marveling at how small it feels in his grasp, and he brings it up to his lips.

"I'm not lonely right now," he says, kissing the tip of each of Jensen's fingers.

Jensen doesn't shy away from the affection, so Jared keeps it up until he's sucking on the pad of Jensen's thumb, eyes closed, his dick starting to stir again.

Then Jensen does pull back a little, but only so he can sit up to look Jared in the eye.

"You'll find someone, and he'll love you," says Jensen, smirking. "Just promise you'll still come to see me every now and then."

"I'm sure he'll be fine with that," Jared replies. "My imaginary future boyfriend sure is generous."

"He's a very lucky man," Jensen jokes. "It would be downright selfish to hoard."

"Mmm," Jared agrees. "And who would pay you double?"

"Who indeed," Jensen replies.

Jared laughs at that, letting their hands drop to his chest, his fingers still curled around Jensen's. He closes his eyes and they're both quiet for a long time, until Jared thinks Jensen must be asleep and he's pretty close to drifting off himself.

Then he hears Jensen murmur, "Please come back to me."

The simple request makes Jared want to cry, but he can’t, because Jensen isn’t supposed to know, and he can’t tell him. That little ask of Jensen’s is impossible, and Jensen probably thinks they’re joking, that there’s no future in which Jared isn’t crawling back to his corner before the first week of January is up.

He stays still under Jensen, pretending to be asleep. Pretending so many things when he would much rather promise Jensen he’ll never leave to begin with, so Jensen won’t have to worry about him not coming back. Anything less than that seems beyond his capabilities.

Jared had a handle on what he could or could not do, but being with Jensen makes him question decisions he never even made. Everything he thought he was or at least was capable of gets swallowed up in needing this man he isn't supposed to want, let alone care for. This was meant to be a goodbye. Jared can't make himself say it.

Today, he awakes with Jensen still asleep in his arms, making this officially the best morning of Jared’s life. He shifts his body as carefully as he can, trying not to wake Jensen, attempting to find a comfortable position to hold him, but Jensen makes a sound and begins to rouse, lifting his head to look at Jared and giving him a fuzzy smile.

“You,” is all he says.

“Yes, me,” Jared confirms. “Merry Christmas Eve. Or is it happy Christmas Eve? Is the merry only for actual Christmas? I’ve never really been clear on that. What do you think?”

“Mmm,” Jensen says, still groggy, breathing out a laugh against Jared’s chest. “However you say it is the best way to say it.”

“Wow, you’re so nice when you’re still asleep.” Jared puts a hand on Jensen’s cheek and Jensen actually turns toward it, rubbing his face, which is rough with stubble, against the palm. “I should start withholding coffee.”

“You withhold coffee, I’ll withhold sex. Let’s see who breaks first.”

“I concede the fight,” Jared replies immediately.

Jensen laughs lightly, then gets a naughty look on his face. “I guess I better put out, then. Terms of the treaty and all.”

“If you want to,” Jared answers, swallowing hard. “You don’t have to if you’d rather just take some time to wake up. I’m happy you’re here at all today.”

Sitting up, Jensen looks Jared over, then asks, “Have you ever—?”

“If it’s sex-related and we haven’t done it together, you can pretty much assume I haven’t done it.”

“I kind of figured that,” Jensen admits. “Want something new for Christmas?”

“Anything, as long as you’ll like doing it,” Jared says.

“Yeah, I’m gonna like this.” Jensen leans down and whispers against his ear. “You’re gonna like it more.”

He rolls Jared over until he’s lying on his stomach, the way he usually sleeps when he’s alone, so it’s easy to get comfortable, especially when Jensen begins to massage him, working his hands down Jared’s body. Jared thinks that’s what he’s in for, so he closes his eyes and gets lost in the sensation. He’s expecting nothing when the touching stops, when suddenly something wet and slick teases him open, and Jared startles as he realizes it’s Jensen’s _tongue_.

“What are you—?” he asks, but his brain goes offline almost immediately.

Maybe he should expect it by now, but it’s impossible to anticipate, the way that Jensen is able to reduce Jared to a sobbing, needy mess with just the tip of his tongue. 

It feels like hours of Jensen teasing him before he finally lets Jared get off, and when he does, Jensen lies down next to him, resting his hand under his head so he’s facing Jared.

“How was that?” he asks. “Good way to start the day?”

“The best,” Jared confirms.

Jensen smiles for a moment, but then he turns onto his back, so Jared can only see half of his frown. “I think I should get going. Mom will need my help cooking today, and I have to get the groceries before the stores close. I’m really sorry to have to end this, though.”

“Stay, Jensen,” Jared begs him, sitting up on his side of the bed and crossing his legs. He reaches out to stroke Jensen’s face and smiles. “I think you should stay.”

“Jared, I already told you, I have to be with my family. Please don’t make me be the bad guy.”

“Of course you should be with your family on Christmas. And you should stay.”

Jensen rubs his hand over his face. “What are you saying?”

“I have this suite until the 30th. You can use the room across the hall, too. I booked the whole floor so we would have privacy.” He casts his eye toward his pillow. “It’s more than enough space for three people.”

“I don’t underst—”

“I can pay for a car to pick your mom and sister up and bring them here. And the driver can give you his card so you can call him to take you all back at the end of the month. Your mom can stay in this suite and live like a queen, you and Mac can take the slightly smaller two bedroom across the hall. You can do whatever you guys want on my tab. They have a spa. Imagine someone giving you a massage for a change. And you guys can order room service whenever you want or go down to the restaurant. It has a Michelin star, you know.”

“Like, the marshmallow thing that changes your tires?”

“No, like—” Jared laughs. “It just means it’s really good.”

“That’s a really, _really_ generous offer, Jared, but I couldn’t possibly accept that. Where would you go?”

“Home?” Jared shrugs. "What does it matter?"

“You hate being home.” Jensen sits up and tucks his knees under his chin. “I don’t want you there on Christmas.”

“I wasn’t picturing being here alone when I made these plans,” Jared says. He sees Jensen wince just a little and places a hand on one of Jensen’s folded knees. “I don’t say that to make you feel guilty. I just mean…I’m not going to appreciate any of this if I stay here. I’ll just mope. I would be much happier thinking that you guys are having a special holiday because of me.”

“It’s too much,” Jensen says. “These room must cost a fortune, even before all the add-ons. It hurts my head to even try to imagine how much. I’m not the kind of person people give these kinds of gifts. You already overpay me.”

“If I paid you what you’re worth to me, Bezos would be hitting you up for cash.”

“That’s gotta be hands down the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said while invoking Jeff Bezos.”

“Whatever, man. You hit on me the other night by telling me my eyeballs look like a fish.”

Jensen laughs, turning his face away from Jared, so Jared puts a finger under his chin and steers him back until their eyes meet. “I really want you to have this, Jensen. Please, just let me give you this. It could be—”

He stops himself before he says something horrible, but he sees understanding dawn in Jensen’s expression. They’re both thinking it. This could be the last Christmas Jensen and his sister get to spend with their mom.

“It could be like one of those vacations you always dreamed of,” Jared says, smiling weakly.

Jensen mirrors the smile, and he goes with Jared’s cover, but Jared knows why Jensen changes his mind. “I…I don’t know how to thank you for such a generous gift, but I’ll stay.”

“Great, that’s great.” Jared gets out of bed. “I’ll pack my stuff.”

Jensen’s eyes follow him from one end of the room to the other as Jared gathers his things, and as soon as Jared is about to pull out his wallet, Jensen says, “No charge for the last three days.”

“No,” Jared says. “That’s not—you don’t have to try to repay me. The hotel is a gift.”

“Yeah, and so is…I want to give you a Christmas gift, too.”

“You just ate my ass,” Jared points out.

Jensen rolls his eyes. “Something a little more significant than a rimjob.”

“It was an incredibly sentimental rimjob as far as I’m concerned,” Jared jokes. “C’mon, Jensen, don’t be ridiculous.”

Jensen narrows his eyes. “Is it so ridiculous to want to make your holiday nice, too?”

“It’s a lot of money,” Jared points out.

“I’m not the smartest guy in the world, but I know three days at $3,000 a pop is a lot of money.” Jensen’s lip trembles and he turns his eyes up to the ceiling. “You live like _this_. I have nothing else you could possibly want. Please, just accept this one thing I can offer you.”

Jared’s instinct, the same one that’s gotten him in hot water so many times before this, is to push. Jensen’s life could be changed by this money, and it’s not going to make a difference to Jared if it’s gone tomorrow or not. But when he looks at Jensen and all the vulnerability in his countenance, he finally sees what’s really being offered here. The money isn’t the gift, at least, not Jared getting to keep the money. It’s what the money would mean to Jensen—how much he’s sacrificing by giving it up. That’s worth a lot more to Jared than the sum of the cash.

“It’s the best thing anyone’s ever given me,” Jared says, embarrassed that his voice cracks. “Thank you.”

Jensen smiles when Jared accepts his gift. “Merry Christmas.”

“Yeah,” Jared replies. “Merry Christmas.”

At that, Jared nods, deciding his part here is officially done, and he turns toward the door. He pauses by the closet, about to grab his coat when he remembers how well it had fit Jensen the other night. He thinks about Jensen in the new year, out in the cold, wearing next to nothing and with no overinvested rich boy to come along and get him a room every other night. The coat could keep Jensen warm, even though Jared won’t get to see him in it. Maybe Jensen will think of him when he puts it on.

He forgets to take it with him as he goes. Jared can feel himself close to breaking, so he walks quickly out of the bedroom, leaving Jensen sitting up in the middle of the big bed. 

“Hey, wait,” Jensen cries, rushing to his feet to follow Jared out of the room. Jared is already at the front door with one foot out, but he turns when Jensen asks. Can’t bring himself not to.

Jared is dreading what Jensen will say next. The part of the conversation that Jared deliberately tried to leave out, even though this whole thing was engineered to say it. _Goodbye._

Somehow, what Jensen says is even more devastating. He gives Jared a beautiful, wide smile and says, “Happy New Year, Jared.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers, if any of you are still with me after that long, unplanned break. I cannot apologize enough for how long it took me to get this chapter up. I wanted to finish this story in February because I knew I would have no time to work on fic in March or April and then the final season announcement hit me really hard on top of all my traveling...so here I am two months later, hat in hand, saying SORRY I REALLY HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS CHAPTER. I wish I had something more cheerful to come back at you all with. But this story is not and will never be abandoned! Just one chapter to go after this. I do have to change gears for a bit to get a bigbang draft out, so I won't guess at when I'll be able to post the final chapter, but I'm hoping in the next week or so. Thank you so so much for your patience to anyone who has stayed with me. I appreciate you guys and your comments so much and I hate the thought that I may have let you down.
> 
> Anywaaaayyyyy...HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D?

Yet another hand claps Jared on the back, and he takes a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever interaction he’s about to be forced into. More congratulations, probably. His cheeks are starting to ache from pretending to smile so goddamn much.

He turns to face the person behind him just as they say, “Happy New Year, son. Good to see you.”

“Officer Beaver,” Jared replies, forcing a light tone. “Or should I say Captain Beaver now?”

The old man beams, redistributing his weight so that his golden rank insignia is better displayed. “That’s all thanks to your influence.”

It is, a fact that makes Jared’s stomach turn, but fluffing up vile people is pretty much the name of the game tonight, and Jared has a lifetime worth of training. He sounds convincing even to himself as he claps the policeman on the shoulder. “And your years of hard work serving our community, of course.”

Beaver leans toward Jared with a conspiratorial gleam in his eye. “Couldn’t help noticing I’m not the only one here tonight you helped into greener pastures.”

Jared isn’t sure what he means, but his instincts kick in easily. “Obviously I count on your discretion, Captain.”

“Please, call me Jim!” Beaver winks at Jared like he really thinks they’re in this together and adds, “And you got it. Far as I’m concerned, I’ve never seen the guy before in my life.”

He looks around, trying to catch up to what Beaver is even talking about. All Jared sees are the same plastic faces talking each other up, just like every insufferable party he’s ever attended.

Until Beaver points to a small group across the room, saying, “Would you look at who he’s with? And getting paid for it, I’m sure. Some of us would be lucky to do it for free.”

Jared recognizes the coat first. It used to be his, after all. The man wearing it is just as warm and familiar a memory, but he’s so far outside of the context Jared knows him in that it nearly makes even Jensen blend into the rest of this nightmare.

Now that Jared has spotted him, Jensen shines, impossible to look away from, an island in a sea of predictability, and Jared wonders how he didn’t notice Jensen sooner. All the near-strangers vying for his time have been keeping him distracted from the one person he actually wants to pay attention to. Someone Jared thought he would never see again.

The relief of spotting Jensen is so overwhelming that Jared will take it, even like this. Trying to pass for someone who belongs here, someone they wouldn’t treat as beneath them if they figured him out, when the truth is he’s _too good_. Jensen is pulling the illusion off well enough for those who don’t know him, but Jared can identify all the giveaways, clues revealing the effort that went into dressing up on a budget: hair slicked down in a careful part instead of sloppily mussed, an unpretentious but clean pair of black loafers on his feet, and simple black pants that are just an inch or two short, probably rented. The only thing that’s genuine quality, apart from Jensen himself, is the coat, which is a bit too heavy for an inside event, but Jensen obviously chose to deal with the discomfort in order to keep the boost of authenticity it lends to his outfit. He looks beautiful, not because he’s cleaned up nicely but in spite of it. Because he’s Jensen; beautiful comes naturally.

Jensen is standing in a huddle, though a few steps back, clearly not partaking in the conversation. He’s smiling and laughing at all the right times, but it’s his date drawing people’s eyes. She’s stunning in her navy blue dress and leans into Jensen, who has his arm around her waist possessively, looking around every few moments as if she’s making sure people are watching.

Jared knows Samantha, who is nearly double the age of her date, as the soon-to-be-divorcee of real estate magnate David Haydn-Jones. Rumor has it her husband took up with a much younger woman and is already engaged before his first marriage has formally ended. Jared is willing to bet he and his fiancée are somewhere here tonight, and as far as payback goes, Jared has to give it to her. She picked the right piece of arm candy to counter her husband’s indiscretion. Jensen would make even the wealthiest man in the world look like a peddler, bargain bin shoes and awkward fitted pants notwithstanding.

He turns his face away from the scene, even though it pains him to take his eyes off Jensen. The smartest thing to do is keep his distance. Let tonight pass without acknowledging the misfortune of this overlap. All it can cause is trouble. Muddled lines. At least he got to see Jensen, remember that he’s really real. That’s more than Jared was expecting tonight. Maybe that’s what he needed to actually get through this alive.

“I didn’t introduce them,” Jared says, more to himself than to Beaver. “I’m not the reason he’s here. I don’t know how he…”

“If you don’t like him being with someone else, just say the word and I can go over and bust them,” Beaver jokes. “I’d take any excuse to talk to her.”

Jared wrinkles his nose, remembering too well what this guy used to do to the people he busted, and takes a step back. “Why don’t you stick to networking tonight and leave the police work at the door?”

“It was just a little joke,” Beaver says, and it’s clear he knows he upset Jared, but he doesn’t seem to get how.

“Yeah, I got that,” Jared replies, still not finding it funny, but lightening his tone enough to ease the moment. He gives Beaver another disingenuous pat on the back and makes his excuses, exiting the conversation as quickly as he can.

His next stop is the bar. No one had to tell Jared not to get drunk tonight—expectations for his behavior at these functions have been set since long before drinking was even an option—but he decides one little pick-me-up isn’t going to do much except maybe, hopefully, mercifully take some of the edge off. So he winds his way through the crowd, stopping to talk as little as he can get away with, and asks the bartender for the strongest glass of scotch they have.

He closes his eyes to savor the taste, grateful that, for all his parent’s flaws, they at least don’t serve their guests anything less than the best. Jared lets himself get lost in the smooth, barely there burn of the whiskey, his first moment of peace for hours, if not days.

So he nearly spits the drink out when he hears a woman say his name, opens his eyes, and finds a much greater peace standing just a few feet in front of him, face turned away. Jensen doesn’t seem to have noticed him yet.

“There you are, dear. I’ve been looking for a moment with you, but you’re so popular tonight.”

“Mrs. Haydn-Jones,” Jared says, smiling at the woman in front of him, but not taking his eyes off the man at her side. “Always a pleasure.”

“Please, I’m back to Smith,” she says. “Though you should really call me Sam. I’ve known you since you were shorter than I am. And now look at you, all grown up. By the way, have you met my date? This is—”

Jared smiles warmly and says “Jensen” without even thinking.

Jensen is quick to respond to the sound of his voice. His head snaps forward and his eyebrows draw together in confusion. “Jared?”

“You two know each other?” Sam asks, looking between them.

He can see that she’s getting uncomfortable, so he puts a hand on her shoulder, leaning in to whisper, “I know him from the same place you know him. I’ve got even more reason than you do not to draw attention to it.”

Her relief is clear in her expression, and then her eyes widen. “Oh,” she says.

“Yeah,” Jared agrees.

“Well, then…” She smiles awkwardly. “I was coming to congratulate you. I got a little preview of the big news coming tonight.”

“Seems most everyone here has,” Jared replies, words tight as he takes another sip of his drink.

“I’ll hold my well wishes for now,” she says, reaching out to give Jared’s arm a supportive squeeze.

Jared appreciates it more than he probably should, but he shakes her off, terrified Jensen might ask what they’re alluding to. He worked so hard not to let any of this slip. To keep just the one good thing in his life separate from the awful future he’s staring down.

“I should be congratulating you,” Jared tells her. “I hear the judge is favoring you quite a bit in your, um, negotiations.”

Her lips thin, but before she can reply, someone crashes into the conversation uninvited. “Judge bloody well is cleaning me out. Take it from me, Jared, make the contract bulletproof. Don’t give even an inch of wiggle room. They’ll take everything from you if they can, the whole lot of them. Make sure the contract protects you. That’s all it is, you know. A contract. Don’t get sentimental like I did. Don’t go into it thinking you can trust the viper.”

Jared recognizes Mr. Haydn-Jones’s pseudo-British accent, which always comes out when he’s either drunk or trying to impress someone. Judging from the slurring, tonight it’s the former.

“You remember my husband,” Sam says, giving David a quick glare before looking back to Jared. “He seems to think I invented the infidelity clause in my prenup just to spite him.”

“So what so I met someone. Don’t see why that means you should get all of _my_ money.” He barely spares a glance for Jensen before saying, “You certainly don’t seem too torn up about it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, are you allowed to date a child but I can’t meet a nice—?”

“Elizabeth is thirty-two! And a distinguished lawyer!” David gestures at Jensen with so much energy that the liquid in the glass he’s holding nearly sloshes over. “What’s his pedigree?”

Sam opens her mouth to respond, but it’s obvious she hadn’t thought as far as a backstory. Jared steps in to save both of their asses.

“Actually, Jensen and I went to school together,” Jared says. “He’s been working in our accounting department since then, and I believe Samantha met him through my parents.”

“You went to school with him?” David asks. He points to Jared and looks back to Sam accusingly. “You hear that? The Padalecki boy went to school with him!”

“Are you upset that he’s young?” she asks, smirking. “Or that he’s young _er_ than yours?”

David has no response to that except to get redder in the face.

“I was a few years ahead of Jared,” Jensen offers, like he’s trying to help the situation, but when he catches Jared’s eye, there’s a twinkle of mischief.

David turns on Jensen. “Why don’t you keep out of it? This is between me and my wife!”

“Oh, I’m your wife again now?” Sam asks, grabbing his shoulder and forcing him to face her. “Because last I checked you were the one who…”

Instead of listening to the argument drone on, Jensen angles his head toward the nearest door to the patio, and Jared grins, setting his half-empty glass back down on the bar and following him. If their absence is noticed, it doesn’t seem to slow down the bickering couple they leave behind.

As soon as they reach the open air, Jensen doubles over laughing, and Jared surprises himself by joining in. He would have thought nothing could make him genuinely feel this light tonight, but of course, all Jensen had to do was be here.

“Wow,” Jensen says once he’s finally recovered himself enough to talk. “She told me they were having an ugly divorce but I did not expect that.”

“You’re here,” Jared says, which is stupid, because he’s known Jensen was here for at least half an hour by now. His brain still hasn’t really caught up. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m working, obviously.” Jensen smiles and takes a step toward him. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“This is my party!” Jared huffs out a laugh. “I live here.”

For a moment, Jensen pulls back, blinking as if he’s just been caught in a semi’s headlights. He points at the building and says, “You live _here_? This is a house?”

“Well, it’s more of a mansion,” Jared replies, grinning when Jensen rolls his eyes. “But yeah. This is home.”

“Jesus,” Jensen mutters and then shakes his head. “I knew you were really fucking rich, but holy shit, dude. You live in _there_.”

“Not when I can help it,” Jared says with a shrug.

Jensen’s face softens and he reaches out to rest his hand on Jared’s jacket. Jared craves his touch just as much as he knows he can’t have it. “It’s so good to see you, Jared.”

Jared’s chest damn near cracks in half at how genuine Jensen sounds saying that, and he tries to find a way, some phrase or action to tell Jensen what it means to have him here tonight, but all his words hit a wall. He shakes his head, embarrassed because the moment doesn’t merit this much emotion, but Jared is nearly at the point of tears, and his voice cracks as he says, “Not here.”

Jensen drops his hand, expression dimming as he begins to turn away. “Right. Of course. I’m sorry. I should get back to my client anyway.”

“Hey, no,” Jared says, pulling Jensen toward him. “I know somewhere more private. Somewhere we can talk. Please don’t leave me alone tonight.”

Jensen licks his lips, glancing toward the party before meeting Jared’s eyes. “I’m not sure how long I can be away. She hired me for the whole night.”

“I don’t think she’s even noticed you’re gone.”

When Jensen’s eyebrow arches up, Jared points toward the dancefloor where, through the tall French windows, Jensen’s date can be seen with her head resting on her husband’s shoulder, a content smile on her face as they dance to whatever the band is playing inside.

Jensen laughs. “I guess they made up.”

“For now, at least,” Jared says. “Who knows what the next hour will bring?”

For a beat, Jensen watches the couple, the amusement on his face growing. Then he looks to Jared and says, “They remind me of us when we were that age.”

“We did fight a lot back then, didn’t we?” Jared replies in the same wistful tone. “Thank goodness we’re older and wiser now.”

The attempt Jensen makes to check his smile is mostly unsuccessful. “Alright, well. It does look like I’m free for a few songs at least.”

 _Free_ sticks out to Jared as an unexpected choice. Not _available_. _Free_. He wonders for a moment if that was deliberate on Jensen’s part, then decides not to make a thing of it by asking.

Jared hitches a thumb toward the nearest path into the garden and begins walking, listening to the soft tread of Jensen’s feet on the stones. “So how did you end up spending your New Year’s Eve here of all places?”

“I met Samantha at the Winchester, actually,” Jensen tells him. “I was at the bar, getting a little space from my mom and sister. Sam was drinking her divorce away. She’s living there while the lawyers hash out who gets what. Anyway, we got to talking. She guessed what I did for a living. Or rather, she half-guessed. She thought I was an escort who works out of nice hotels. The kind you bring to an event like this. I didn’t correct her. The amount she offered to pay me for the night…” Jensen makes a whistling sound. “Let’s just say I’m getting Jared money to be here.”

“Those are the kind of jobs you should be getting every night,” Jared says, smiling. “That’s the kind of money you should always be making.”

Jensen laughs like Jared is kidding, but he catches up, taking Jared’s hand as they walk side-by-side. “I have you to thank for this. I have to thank you for a lot of things.”

“You don’t,” Jared replies, brushing him off. He looks over his shoulder and then gives Jensen an apologetic smile. “Did you guys enjoy the holidays? I hope you didn’t spend the whole time escaping to the bar.”

“It was a nice place to go to think. Had a lot to think about. But the rest of the time me and the family were living the good life together. I don’t have words for what that meant to us, Jared. You’d have to have seen their faces when we first pulled up to really understand…” Jensen stops when his voice starts to sound thick with emotion, and he doesn’t continue again for several minutes. “It was really special. So thank you.”

“You shouldn’t be thanking me for anything,” Jared tells him. “It was the absolute least I could offer after everything I’ve done to you.”

“After everything you’ve done?” Jensen asks. “What you’ve done is why I want to thank you.”

“What have I done for you?” Jared casts his eyes down as he walks and speaks lowly. “Treated you like an object. Insulted your friends. Promoted your tormentor far beyond his competence level.”

“Who, Beaver?” Jensen waves his hand dismissively. “You think I’m upset about that?”

“I’m sorry if you saw him in there. I would have made sure he wasn’t invited if I’d known you would have to watch him strut around with those railroad tracks on his lapel.”

Jensen stops and pulls Jared back by the arm, forcing him to turn. “Are you kidding me right now? Do you have any idea what _Police Captain_ Beaver has done for us since you got him that job?”

Jared can’t meet his eyes. “I know what he did to you before.”

“Yeah, the guy’s a scumbag, no two ways about it,” says Jensen.

“And I made him more powerful. And you have to see him be rewarded, knowing what kind of person he is.”

“I’m used to seeing men like him get rewarded, Jared,” Jensen points out. “The people he preyed on? We’re used to cops like him getting away with what they do, or getting promoted for it. That’s just a fact of life to us.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Jared argues. “That doesn’t mean I’m not complicit.”

“Of course it’s not okay. But you know what else you made happen?” Jensen stares up at him expectantly and when Jared has nothing to say, Jensen looks confused, hurt even. “You really don’t know? You haven’t noticed how things have changed on my block since that night you intervened?”

“I don’t really pay a lot of attention to things that aren’t you,” Jared admits.

“You’re sweet,” Jensen tells him, smiling out of one side of his mouth as he gives Jared a light tap on the cheek. “You’re a sweet idiot.”

“So what’s changed?” Jared asks.

Jensen laughs, looking up at the sky as he throws his arms out to the sides. “Everything. Captain Beaver has completely altered the culture around sex work in his precinct. Because that’s what _you_ told him to do. We’ve practically achieved decriminalization for a few blessed city blocks. His cops don’t come for us. They don’t arrest us. Last week some creep tried to rape Alona, you know what happened?”

He shakes his head.

“She screamed for help and an officer arrested the john. Just the john. No questions for her. No quid pro quo.”

“Maybe it was just one good cop,” Jared guesses. “They must exist.”

“Stop. Stop doing that. Listen to what I’m telling you, man. You did good. You’ve made our lives better.” Apparently Jared doesn’t seem convinced enough, because Jensen keeps going after a pause, “Word spread, too. So folks from other blocks all started migrating our way. We’ve got a whole community now where we know we’re safe and our clients know, too. They know they don’t have to worry about getting arrested if they pick us up there, so they all go there. But they behave, because we’ve got real protection. Now we get work easier and feel more secure accepting it. It’s a goddamn brave new world out there thanks to you.”

“That’s how it should have been to begin with,” Jared says, shrugging.

“You _know_ I agree. But it’s not how it was. You…you grew up in this fairy tale,” Jensen gestures at his house, “This isn’t what it’s like in the real world. Out there shit is broken and ugly and it will never, ever be perfect, Jared, no matter how much you want it to be or how hard you try or how much money you spend. It’s not ever gonna be perfect. You made it better. Not everyone does that. Can’t you give yourself a little credit for once? Sometimes better has to be enough. You’ll fall apart if you keep beating yourself up every time you can’t sweep in and wave your credit card around and fix everything.”

“Have a feeling I’m going down that path no matter what,” Jared replies, trying to make it sound like a joke. 

It doesn’t, and Jensen doesn’t laugh. “What the hell is up with you tonight? You’re being even harder on yourself than usual.”

“Nothing,” Jared lies. “It’s nothing. I just don’t want you to keep wasting your time trying to make me sound good when I’m not.” 

“You want me to give up?” Jensen asks. “Should I just let you go on thinking you’re some terrible person? Because I’m not gonna. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

Jared smiles at him, but he can feel that his eyes are getting wet. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, Jensen. If you did, you would understand.”

“I know you,” Jensen insists. “You’re the one who doesn’t know. Want me to tell you when I figured you out?”

“The fourth time I said something awful and made you feel like shit?” Jared guesses. “Or was it the third time? Or the sixth?”

“You’re not being funny,” Jensen replies. “So you made a few mistakes. You learned. Those comments hurt for a few minutes at a time. The things you’ve done since have made my life better forever.”

“Okay, I’ll play,” Jared says, starting to walk again. “When did you realize what a quality guy I am?”

“That night, when Beaver was arresting my friends. Because I expected you to tell me to jump into the car so we could get out before he reached us.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what I wanted to do,” Jared admits. “It was my first instinct and the only reason I didn’t was—” 

“Everyone’s first instinct is to save their own ass. You ignored yours. And then what did you do?” Jensen smiles wide, shaking his head as he goes on, “I couldn’t believe how stupid and reckless you were. You walked right up to him and you told him he could arrest you instead and you gave up everything you had on you. Not to help yourself. Not even to help me. And you didn’t just stop him from booking Matt and Alona for that one night. You immediately jumped to making it long-term. No one had to tell you to do that. _That’s_ who you are.”

“That’s who I want to be,” Jared says, torn between unimaginable joy at Jensen’s words and the abject misery of knowing he won’t ever be that person to anyone again after tonight.

“Nothing’s stopping you.” Jensen steps up close to him as they walk. “If you don’t let them.”

“You’re right,” Jared lies, looking down at the top of Jensen’s head walking in step beside him. He wants Jensen to be right, and he decides to stop fighting. Just for now. To let himself pretend Jensen can be.

So instead of arguing, Jared breathes Jensen in and slows their pace to a lazy stroll as they walk deeper and deeper into the garden. 

He only stops once they reach his favorite hidden nook, when he turns to face Jensen, gesturing at the quiet little oasis he brought them to. “What do you think?”

“Never was much of a fountain guy,” Jensen jokes, dipping his fingers in the water and flicking a few drops at Jared. He puts on a haughty voice and adds, “Personally I prefer a nice koi pond for my estate’s water features. It really helps with the Feng Shui of a space.”

“I see you’re learning quickly how to be one of us,” Jared teases.

Jensen smirks. “I think I actually understand how golf works after listening to the conversations in there for two hours.”

“Go back in for another hour, maybe you’ll be able to teach me about wine pairings by the time you come out.”

“That or I’ll have to catch a last minute flight to Aruba before I get arrested for tax fraud.”

Jared grins. “I’m sorry you got dragged to this truly terrible party. But I am so, so glad you’re here.”

“Hey, it’s not so bad,” Jensen says, taking a seat on the bench across from where Jared is standing. “I, um…”

“You’ve got nothing, huh?” Jared guesses when Jensen is quiet for a beat too long.

“Nothing,” Jensen confirms. “I’ve got nothing.”

Jared laughs. “That’s alright. I’d be worried if you _were_ having fun.”

“I am now,” Jensen says softly, reaching out and placing a hand on Jared’s waist. “So I guess this party does have one thing that doesn’t totally suck.”

He licks his lips. “I suck pretty okay when I want to.”

“I don’t want to pad your ego,” Jensen tells him, looking up at Jared with an absolutely evil expression on his face. “But I also don’t want to lie. You see my predicament?”

Jared puts a hand on Jensen’s face and Jensen closes his eyes, leaning into the touch. For a minute, they go quiet, the sound of music and chatter from the party distant and when Jensen finally opens his eyes, he looks up at Jared darkly.

“How alone are we?” he asks.

“I’ve always come out here to hide when my parents threw parties,” Jared answers. “No one’s ever found me.”

“So private…” Jensen reaches out, grabbing Jared’s hips with two hands and pulling him closer. He’s a pretty picture at this angle, one that Jared has enjoyed countless times before, and it’s obvious he knows Jared thinks so from the way he shapes his words, biting his bottom lip as he finishes. “What do you want to do?”

Jared considers the offer, then shakes his head. As good as it would be to get lost in Jensen right now, he’s too keyed up, and he knows his mind would wander back to where they are and why.

Their last time can’t be some empty, desperate act he doesn’t even enjoy. He’s giving his family the rest of his life. They can’t have his last fucking time.

“You want something else,” Jensen guesses. He rises to his feet and pushes into Jared’s space, lips ghosting over Jared’s neck as he whispers suggestions. “You want to bend me over that fountain? Want me to put you on all fours on the gravel, get your fancy dress pants all dirty?”

“I want…” Jared wraps his arms around Jensen and holds him closer. “Nothing. It’s enough that you’re here.”

“Tell me.” Jensen pulls back enough for Jared to see his face and he trails his fingers over Jared’s cheek, so sweet and captivating that he could get anything out of Jared. He could have anything. But that’s not what he asks for. “Tell me what you want, Jared.”

“Dance with me,” Jared whispers.

Jensen’s expression seems more amused than anything by the request. “You want to dance?”

“Please,” Jared says, ignoring the fact that his cheeks are burning, because, well. What does it matter now if he embarrasses himself? “I’ve never danced with someone I…”

Jared slides his hand down to the small of Jensen’s back and takes his hand, beginning to lead Jensen to the music they can just hardly hear wafting over from the house, but he stops when he feels Jensen freeze in his embrace, his body going awkward and rigid.

“I’m sorry,” Jared says, letting him go. “I didn’t wait for your answer. I shouldn’t have assu—”

“I don’t know how,” Jensen says, interrupting Jared. He looks down at the floor like he’s embarrassed and kicks the gravel, scuffing his clean new shoes. “I’m happy to. I just don’t know how to dance like that.”

Somehow, that small confession from Jensen hurts Jared more than anything else so far tonight has. He spent so many weekends and afternoons in high school training to escort debutants to cotillions, memorizing rules and dance steps. He lost count of how many. Jensen never did that. Of course Jensen never did that. This seemingly obvious disconnect just reminds Jared of the gap between their worlds, of the gulf that’s about to separate them, and very suddenly, he feels faint and staggers away from Jensen, trying to even out his breath before the anxiety overwhelms him.

“Hey.” Jensen reaches out to catch him, steadying Jared with a palm over his heart. “Hey, it’s okay. We can still dance, right? Here, look. Jared, we can still…”

Jensen takes Jared’s arms and props them up so that they’re wrapped around his neck. Then he rests his head on Jared’s shoulder and begins to sway softly from one foot to the other, vaguely following the rhythm of the far off music. He makes quiet, calming sounds and as Jared joins in his artless dancing, focusing on breathing in the scent of Jensen and on nothing else, the panic attack begins to recede.

He doesn’t know how long they drift like that, but he knows he’s drifted too far when he says, “I love you.”

Jensen doesn’t pull away like Jared expects, though his movement becomes tripped up for a moment. He picks his head up off Jared’s shoulder and looks at him directly as he asks, “What?”

“I love you,” Jared says again, louder and clearer this time.

“I know that,” Jensen replies, gently pushing hair back from Jared’s face. “I—I can’t—”

“I know,” Jared says, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “I know it’s not news to you. And I know you can’t say it back. I don’t want you to feel like you have to. I never wanted you to lie to me. I just wanted to say it one time and mean it.”

“Jared, you’re scaring me,” Jensen tells him.

“Don’t be scared.” Jared smiles, but judging from the response on Jensen’s face, it must be a pretty bad one. “You shouldn’t be scared. I couldn’t help saying it. I couldn’t help it.”

“I have so many things I want to say to you, too,” Jensen tells him, wiping his thumbs under Jared’s eyes, which is when Jared realizes he’s crying. “So many things I want to talk to you about. But maybe not right now, okay? We can talk another night. About what you just said and about—other stuff. Some other night, yeah?”

Jared shakes his head, because there won’t ever be another night, but he can’t get a word out, and Jensen doesn’t wait for him to. He starts rubbing his hands up and down Jared’s arms.

“You know what, I’ll buy you a fancy meal, like at an IHOP or a Denny’s,” he pauses for Jared’s soft laugh and then goes on, “We can figure everything out. When you’re a little more ready for it. You don’t have to say anything else tonight. Let’s just take it easy for now, huh?”

He nods and lets Jensen lead him back over to the bench, which he pushes Jared down onto before taking the space by his side and holding Jared’s hand in his lap. They sit in silence for a long time, and Jared thinks about this, about trying to do the right thing, and about how much better it would feel not to.

After a long debate, he says, “Will you let me take you somewhere tonight?”

“Tonight?” Jensen asks with a laugh. “Where do you wanna go tonight?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere. A hotel, or the Fallen Pines, or…wherever. Anywhere we can be together.”

“Jared, I’ve got a job,” Jensen says. “I’m supposed to go home with her.”

“Blow her off,” he says. “I’ll pay you double what she’s paying you.”

“You don’t even know how much she—”

“Triple!” Jared exclaims, doing a grand sweep with his free hand to try to lighten up the atmosphere.

“I bet you’ve just always wanted to do one of those movie moments where you come in and offer to pay double to flip on someone,” Jensen teases.

“A little bit,” Jared admits. “But you still come out with a lot more money than you planned on, so humor me.”

“It’s tempting,” Jensen says. “I don’t know, though. I’ve never bailed on a client unless they seriously had it coming. I pride myself on my professionalism.”

“I bet she won’t even remember unless you go back in there and distract her away from her awful husband. By running off with me, you could be the thing that saves their truly fucked up marriage. Doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?”

Jensen laughs.

Jared lets his voice get a little lower, more serious. “It would mean a lot to me, Jensen. If I knew I could see you at the end of this night. I can’t tell you what that would do for me.”

“Yeah, alright,” Jensen says. “You win, Jared. I’m all yours.”

“There’s just…” Jared looks to the ground but pulls Jensen’s hand toward him. “In a little while, they’re going to call for me, and I’m going to have to go inside. I have to. It shouldn’t take too long. There’s an announcement we’re going to make, and then I’ll come find you and we can get away from here.”

“Okay.” Jensen pauses before asking, “What do you have to announce?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Jared tells him, deciding right here and now that it can be true. It doesn’t have to matter. He doesn’t have to stop seeing Jensen or end his life just because someone else has claimed it. He has the right to just this one sliver of it. And if he gets caught, he gets caught. “Just business. It’s nothing important and it’s nothing that’s going to change—you don’t have to know. You don’t have to listen. It’s better not to. You can stay out here and think of where you want to go and when I get back, I’ll take you. No matter where it is.”

“Promise me one thing,” Jensen says.

“Anything,” Jared responds without a moment’s hesitation.

Jensen smiles so bright that Jared thinks there’s a spotlight on him. “Find me before midnight.”

“Do you turn into a pumpkin at midnight?” Jared jokes.

Fluttering his eyelashes, Jensen replies, “Only if prince charming doesn’t come for m—”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish, because a voice calling Jared’s name begins to ring through the garden, and Jared immediately leaps to his feet when he hears it. “That’s my mom. It must be time.”

“Knock ‘em dead, champ,” Jensen tells him, following him to stand and giving Jared a weak punch on the arm. “That’s how you all talk to each other, right? I would have tried a yacht metaphor, but I’m still pretty new to this.”

If someone had told him two hours ago that he would have a genuine smile on his face as he prepared to make this announcement, Jared would have thought they were losing it. And yet, he’s grinning as he waves goodbye to Jensen and goes hurrying back up the path toward his mother’s voice.

When he finally reaches the courtyard, she’s walking back toward the house, but she hears Jared and turns to look at him. “There you are. One night we ask you to be present, and you go wandering off without telling anyone where to find you. We’ve been waiting for ten minutes. The band stopped playing, the guests are all standing around. Do you have any idea how this reflects on me?”

“I’m sorry,” Jared says. “I was just nervous.”

“Nervous?” She shakes her head, and the sapphires dangling from her ears catch the light, blinding Jared for a moment. “What do you have to be nervous about? I’ve done everything. I made the match. I organized the party. You can’t even keep it together long enough to stand on a stage? How are you ever supposed to run a business with that disposition?”

“I’ll do better,” he promises.

“Better than the absolute bare minimum? Don’t strain yourself.” She steps closer and begins to fuss with Jared’s jacket. “Look at you. Your shoes are dirty. Your hair is a mess. It’s not just disrespectful to me and your father anymore, Jared. You have someone else to think about now.”

“I know, mom.” Jared swallows hard and looks away. “I’ll dance with her after. Give her lots of attention. I’ll make sure there are good pictures, too.”

His mother sighs, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder as if to say his appearance is finally good enough to pass muster. “You’d think I was asking for something horrible here. There are worse ways to spend a night than with a beautiful woman.”

“You’re right, of course,” Jared agrees, trying to pat his hair back into place from however Jensen left it. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

She gives him a soft kiss on the cheek and begins to walk. “I don’t like being so harsh with you, you know that.”

“It’s a big night and I let you down,” Jared says. “You had every right.”

“Not too late to make it up,” she tells him. Pushing the door open, she tugs Jared in and puts on a giant smile, which Jared mimics.

“Here he is,” his father calls from the stage, gesturing toward the doors. “The man of the hour. My son, who most of you all know. Jared, come on up here. I was just telling all our friends how wonderful you did at school and how excited we are to have you back home, learning the ropes from your old man.”

Stalling, then. He’s smiling, but Jared can tell from the look in his father’s eyes that he’s furious.

Jared follows his mother’s subtle prodding and climbs the stairs toward the stage, waving at the group of partygoers clustered around as they begin to applaud.

“But of course, that’s not all we have to be proud of our boy for tonight. As some of you have already guessed, Sherry and I threw this party not just to celebrate the New Year, but also to celebrate a new chapter in our son’s life.”

As Jared reaches him on the stage, his father’s hand claps down on his shoulder, squeezing just a bit too hard. Jared grins through it, trying to look gracious as the crowd cheers. He can see the bottom of a fuchsia gown tucked away behind the curtain and he closes his eyes and turns his face away as his dad’s other hand extends in that direction, beckoning her onto the stage.

“Many of you know Sandra McCoy, whose father I was fortunate enough to work alongside and call a friend for so many years before his unfortunate passing. I am so honored to be the one to announce that in just a few months, I’ll be able to call her a member of my family.”

Jared opens his eyes to see her approaching until she stops just a few inches to his left, waiting for him to make a move. She’s perfect, as always. Long brown hair swept back in a way that looks both immaculate and effortless, big Bambi eyes sparkling, and the bright pink dress is hugging her curves in all the right places. She would be easy for someone else to fall in love with.

He grabs her hand—which is small and delicate and nothing at all like the one that held his out in the garden—and takes a step forward, approaching the front of the stage. He turns to look at her and she mirrors the action. She’s beaming from ear to ear, like Jared should be. He’s trying his best.

There’s a long pause once they meet their mark, during which Jared tries to remember how to speak, and when she realizes he’s not going to be of any use, she turns to the crowd and cries, “Jared and I are getting married!” as if that’s a dream come true for her. He doesn’t have to look to feel the waves of disappointment coming off his father at Jared’s failure to take control of the situation, but off to the side, he sees his mother holding her hands to her mouth, eyes shimmering with pride.

Of course, she’s delighted. She’s about to get the kid she always wanted, a daughter with a killer instinct for business, who knows what move will make the best impression and goes for it without any of Jared’s hesitations. He has the horrible realization that this is what she would have raised his baby sister to be if she’d gotten the chance.

It takes several minutes for the crowd to quiet down, and then Jared’s father cuts in again, rounding out the announcement with promises that save the dates will be forthcoming and encouragement to get back to enjoying the evening.

“There’s only ten more minutes until the new year,” he says as he finishes, and Sandy drags Jared off stage while the band begins playing again, leading him to the dancefloor with such insistence that Jared almost expects to be the one following once they actually start to dance.

They take a few spins around the ballroom with cameras clicking away, and Jared tries to relax into the movement, but he begins to get antsy as the time slips by. Finally, at five minutes to midnight, he pulls back and says, “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“Ten more minutes,” Sandy insists. “Think of how good a midnight kiss will look in all the local papers when they announce our engagement tomorrow. You can’t buy press like that.”

Jared shakes his head. “I promised someone…”

Sandy sighs as she leans away enough to look at him, and Jared can tell she wants to roll her eyes, but instead her face stays picture-perfect, ever attuned to the photographers and guests surrounding them. “Whoever she is, you better be discreet. The last thing we need are rumors and it’s too late for me to pull out of this without losing face now. The cat’s out of the bag.”

“It’ll be over tonight,” Jared promises her, raising his arm so that she can take a twirl under it. “But tonight, I have to go.”

The song ends and Sandy curtsies prettily, feigning exhaustion and gesturing to the drink table as if she’s requesting that Jared fetch her a refreshment. He tries to make his appreciation shine through in his expression as he takes the out, hurrying off the floor, first in the direction of the bar, and then taking a quick turn toward the doors. Time is getting scarce now, and he can hear people beginning to announce the last full minute.

He won’t make it out to the garden before midnight, just has to hope that if he’s close enough, Jensen will forgive him. But before he even reaches the door, Jared sees that Jensen isn’t waiting out in the garden at all.

Jensen is just a few feet away, and Jared is about to rush to him, so relieved to finally be at the end of this night with the promise of Jensen to see him through to the morning.

Across the room, Jensen lifts his head and catches Jared’s eye, so he smiles and gestures toward the door. Then Jensen’s expression changes into something hard and cold.

By now the clock is down to half a minute, and the crowd around them begins to count backwards from thirty, yelling as each second passes. Jensen holds Jared’s gaze as he reaches out and catches the arm of the woman standing next to him. Jared realizes it’s Samantha because Jensen spins her to face him and pulls her in.

The last ten seconds seem to slide into slow motion as Jared watches Jensen hold her closer, put one hand on her cheek to coax her, and kiss her as the clock strikes midnight. It’s a long, deep kiss and Jensen doesn’t blink or take his eyes off Jared until finally he pulls away and grins down at his date.

He tucks his face into her neck after, whispering something that makes Samantha take a step back, looking as surprised as Jared feels, but not nearly as hurt. She smirks at him and when her husband appears at her side holding her coat open, obviously having missed the moment and thinking that she would be leaving with him, she snatches it from his hand without ever turning her attention from Jensen.

Jared stays frozen where he is for the time it takes her to put on her coat and begin to head for the exit, Jensen’s hand on the small of her back as they go. Then he can’t help himself, he hurries to catch up with them.

“Jensen,” he calls once they’re outside, far enough from the party to not make a scene, but close enough to hopefully not lose Jensen to the woman on his arm.

They both stop walking when they hear him. Jensen turns toward him, then says to Samantha, “You have the valet pull up the car. I’ll be right there. Just want to congratulate my friend here.”

“Whatever you say,” she responds, winking at Jared as she goes. “You’re the boss.”

“You kissed her,” is the first thing Jared says, because he just can’t help himself.

Jensen shrugs. “It was midnight.”

“But you don’t—I mean.” He lowers his voice to a whisper. “She’s a _client_.”

“Turns out I can kiss whoever I want, whenever I want, and it’s not your business,” Jensen says coolly. “That was between me and her. I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“Of course you don’t. I just thought…” Jared glances at the valet stand where Samantha is waiting. “You’re not really leaving with her, are you?”

“Yes, I am,” Jensen replies. “She hired me to do a job. I’m a professional.”

“But you said we could—”

“I thought about it and I changed my mind. I can’t just blow off my responsibilities. You know all about that, don’t you? Having responsibilities you can’t blow off?”

“You’re upset,” says Jared. “Did I do something wrong?”

Jensen laughs. “No, of course you didn’t. I just figured you’d want to spend tonight celebrating with your fiancé.”

“You heard.” Jared swallows hard. “I told you not to listen.”

Jensen’s lips thin as if he has something sour is his mouth. “I followed you inside because I thought maybe if I knew what you were so upset about, I would better be able to help you. How fucking stupid is that?”

“It’s not…” Jared frowns. “Jensen, you do help me. You’re the only thing that—”

“I don’t care,” he says. Jared flinches, but it doesn’t seem to have any effect on Jensen. “Why was I bothering? Your problems aren’t my problem. Your sadness isn’t mine to fix. All I am is an employee. And tonight, I don’t even work for you.”

“It doesn’t matter, okay? Everything I said to you earlier is true. Nothing has to change between us.”

“Nothing’s ever gonna change between us.” Jensen turns his face away as he says, “Tell me one thing before I go. The other night. The whole Christmas thing. You were trying to say goodbye, weren’t you?”

He waits until Jensen is looking at him and then he whispers, “Yes.”

Jared watches Jensen’s jaw tighten as he begins to nod, and then he lets out an ugly laugh. “That’s not what I thought you were trying to say.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Jared insists. “I thought about it and—”

“I think that’s Sam’s car pulling up. I have to go. Goodnight, Jared.” Jensen hesitates for a moment and then adds, “Goodbye.”

Jared tries to catch Jensen’s hand to stop him from leaving, but Jensen evades him, and Jared knows he won’t win any points by refusing to accept Jensen’s decision.

So he watches as Jensen climbs into the passenger side of a pearl white Porsche and blinks away the tears prickling at his eyes. Jared has known for months that this would be the worst night of his life, so he laughs bitterly as the car disappears down the driveway, thinking at least he wasn’t disappointed.

_______________________________________________________________

The first thing Jensen does the next time he sees Jared is shake his head and try to wave him away, gesturing toward the Fallen Pines’ parking lot. It’s clear he’s telling Jared to turn around, get back in the Impala, and leave, but Jared can’t bring himself to do that. Jensen might never forgive him if he doesn’t make things right, and fast. So Jared has a plan.

Jensen doesn’t wait for him to ask if he’s available, and there’s no playful, easy response. Instead, he says, “Not tonight, okay? I’m not in the mood to have this out. Believe me, you don’t want to be around me tonight.”

Jared stops once he’s close enough to talk to Jensen, but with enough distance to be sure Jensen sees he’s not here to force anything. “When, then? Or are you just never going to talk to me again?”

Jensen laughs at that, an ugly, brittle sound that shouldn’t be able to come from such a pretty mouth. “Wasn’t that your plan after Christmas? So what, you can do it to me but when I do it it’s stupid?”

“It was always stupid,” Jared points out. “As evidenced by the fact that I’m here. I couldn’t go through with it anymore than—”

“Well, you’re invested,” Jensen replies snidely, giving Jared a bitchy smile. “I, on the other hand, couldn’t care less. Now leave me alone.”

“If that were true, you wouldn’t be so upset right now,” Jared tells him. “You wouldn’t mind me hiring you for the night. Come on, let me get us a room and we can talk.”

“Oh, fuck off already,” Jensen replies, rolling his eyes and turning his back to Jared.

Without thinking, Jared reaches out and takes Jensen by one shoulder. “Jensen, please. Let me explain.”

“ _Don’t_ touch me,” Jensen says, snapping around and shoving Jared’s hand away. “I didn’t give you permission to touch me.”

Jared holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. For all of it. I didn’t want you to find out that way. I didn’t want you to find out, period.”

“Why not?” Jensen asks. Jared stares at him dumbly, confused by the question, which apparently frustrates Jensen enough to keep going, “Why hide something like that from me? What were you trying to make me believe? You have any idea how many clients I have that are married? You must have known I’d still fuck you if I knew. It’s not any of my business if you want to cheat on your trophy wife. But then you spend months hiding it and acting like…” He looks away. “I’ve had clients who beat me. I’ve had clients who tried to make me do things I wasn’t comfortable with. And you know what? You’re still the worst. At least I knew what I was getting with them.”

“You don’t mean that,” Jared says, desperately hoping he’s right. “I would never hurt you. I never wanted to do that.”

“You…you don’t make any sense, Jared. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is for me, trying to make sense of you?” Jensen runs his hands through his hair, tugging in frustration before dropping his arms. He looks oddly like a defeated child as he stands in front of Jared. “Sometimes, you’re so goddamn wonderful I can’t believe you’re real, and then you’re just as bad as the rest of the lying, cheating creeps I turn away when I can, and I never know which Jared I’m going to get. I’m so tired of guessing. All I want is to have a handle on things. Like I used to, before you started coming along and messing everything up.”

“I can offer you that,” Jared says. “I can make everything clear if you give me a chance. _We_ can make everything clear. Jensen, we can have a future together.”

“Man, you weren’t doing so hot before. But you’ve really lost it now,” Jensen says, giving Jared a look that’s almost pitying. “What kind of future could we possibly have?”

Jared smiles and takes a step closer to Jensen, slowly reaching out until he’s able to grasp Jensen’s hand. He’s surprised that Jensen doesn’t snatch it back, even if he doesn’t move to curl his fingers around Jared’s either. Jensen looks down at where Jared is holding him and Jared begins to share all the things he’s dreamed up since their year got off to that horrible start.

“I could get you a nice place, somewhere in a neighborhood I won’t have to explain. Somewhere near my office, so I can stay over any time. A really nice building, with a penthouse view just for you. Like the Winchester, but more personal. You can decorate it with whatever you want. Anything you can dream of, I’ll buy it for you. You can come when I go on business trips and we’ll go all over the—”

“Are you listening to yourself?” Jensen asks. “That’s what you think I want? To belong to you? I don’t belong to you.”

“What?” Jared blinks at him in confusion. “No, of course not. That’s not what I meant—”

“Yes. It is.” Jensen closes his eyes tight and keeps them shut for a long moment, like he’s waiting for something to pass. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Just give me some time before you come back here. A few weeks. Let me have a few weeks to process, and then things can go back to business as usual.”

“Forget business as usual.” Jared shakes his head in frustration, trying so hard to make Jensen understand. “I want us to be together. Jensen, we could be _together_. Forever. And I’ll take care of you. So you can have all the things you deserve.”

“What does that look like to you? Really think about it for a moment and tell me.”

“I just did,” Jared says. “We can have a—”

“A big, lavish apartment,” Jensen says, smiling, which makes Jared hopeful, until Jensen continues in the same wistful tone, and he starts to pick up on the bitterness coloring the words. “A dream come true for someone like me, right? To wait around for some married man to decide whether he feels like fucking me that day or not.”

“That’s not what I meant. I never said you have to be a prisoner,” Jared replies, hurt. “I _want_ you to have more, to do more. You could do anything you want, and you don’t have to worry about your family, because I’ll take care of them, too. I’ll pay for your sister’s school, Oscar can have his own room if you want, and your mother—she’ll have the best doctors in the state.”

“Don’t you even talk about her,” Jensen says. “This has nothing to do with her. You can’t hold her hostage so I’ll do what you want. She wouldn’t want to be saved like that.”

“I really just want to help her. You know me better than to think I would use her to pressure you—not on purpose. I didn’t know before, with the kiss, but that’s not what I’m doing now. Just listen to me.”

“I listened to you a bit too much,” Jensen says. His bottom lip starts quivering, and he bites down on it. “And what I heard was…maybe you and I just can’t speak the same language, no matter how hard we try. Maybe we ought to give up.”

“I don’t want that,” whispers Jared. “I’ll do anything to keep seeing you, please.”

“You stupid sonofabitch,” Jensen replies. He reaches up with the hand Jared isn’t holding and tucks hair back behind Jared’s ear, gentle despite his words. “You think that’s what it would take to keep me? You think _that’s_ what I want from you? Some glitzy apartment and expensive vacations? That’s not what I want. I thought you knew by now.”

“If not that, then what?” Jared asks. “I can give you a salary. You think I paid well before? Make up a number. I’ll write a check.”

Jensen drops his hands, abandoning the sweet touches he’d only just started, and looks Jared in the eye, making his disappointment clear. “I’ve heard enough of this. I can’t stomach anymore.”

“You can stop working on the streets and just work for me. And the rest of the time you can do anything. Go to school or, or…start something. I’ll invest. Whatever you want to do. You can finally have honest work.”

“Honest work?” Jensen echoes, and Jared knows immediately how badly he just fucked up. It’s not what he meant to say—it’s been months since he knew better—but it’s obvious from the storm in Jensen’s expression that it’s too late to take it back. Whatever moment of calm passed between them, those seconds when Jensen’s fingers were tender on his skin, he ruined any chance to win it back. “When have I ever been dishonest with you?”

“Fuck, that’s not what I was trying to say,” Jared responds.

“Sure it is,” Jensen replies coolly. “Go on and tell me what you really think about me, Jared. I’m over having my feelings hurt by some spoiled kid who thinks he’s better than me.”

“I don’t think that. You know I don’t. Give me a little credit, okay? It’s just an expression—a shitty one, and I wouldn’t have said it if I’d been thinking. All I meant was you don’t have to sell yourself.”

“I sell _sex_ ,” Jensen clarifies. “I’ve never lied to you. I’ve never hidden anything from you. I offer a fair exchange of services for money, that’s not dishonest.”

“Of course,” Jared agrees. “And I won’t ask you to stop unless you want to. I just thought—”

“It’s still my turn,” Jensen cuts in. “You’re the one who insisted we do this tonight, so let’s do this. _You_ want to talk to _me_ about honest work, Jared? How do you make your money?”

“What? I—” Jared tilts his head. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“You lie. That’s how. You pretend to be someone you’re not so your parents will fill up your trust fund. You’ve never earned anything honestly in your entire life. They tell you where you go to school and what you’re going to study and who you’re gonna marry and you hate it, but you plaster on that pretty dimpled smile until you can come cry to me about it. I’m the one who sells himself?” Jensen barks a laugh. “At least I know I’m a whore.”

“I don’t have a choice,” Jared insists.

“You child.” Jensen walks away from Jared before circling back, like he’s too keyed up to stand still any longer. “You have every choice. You’re making choices _right now_. You’ve had opportunities most people can’t even dream up. At the very least take some responsibility. Stop moping around like a socialite on a soap opera, blaming the winds of fortune for how miserable you are, and admit you’re doing this to yourself.”

Jared feels himself slumping. He doesn’t have nearly as much fight in him as Jensen seems to. “You don’t understand what it’s like for me.”

“Oh god, but I do,” Jensen yells, covering his eyes with his palms. “I know you down to your Italian shoes. That’s what makes this so frustrating. It would all just be amusing, watching you crash and burn your charmed little life, if it weren’t for the fact that somewhere under those overpriced jackets there’s someone I like. Someone I…Someone I care about. And you’re going to kill him. You’ll spend so much time pretending to be your parents that you’ll really turn into them. I won’t be there to watch it. Thanks, but no thanks. Find some other pretty boy to decorate your penthouses.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” Jared says, shrugging. “I thought you would like this. I don’t see how it’s different. I’d still be paying you to fuck me. But I’d pay you more and do it somewhere cleaner. It’s like a promotion.”

“You’re asking me to move away from my life here. It might seem little to you, but it’s what I know and I don’t hate it just because you think I should. It’s where my friends are, my family. You want me to give all of that up, and for what? So I can be your shameful little secret? You want to kiss me with the same mouth you use to tell your wife and kids how much you love them?” Jensen frowns, turning to look down the street, and when Jared follows his eyes, he sees Oscar rounding the corner. “It must be nice, living how you live. Never having to sacrifice anything. I’m not turning my life upside down so you can have your caviar and eat it, too.”

“There’s no other way,” Jared says quietly, watching as Jensen lowers to Oscar’s height, tucking his face into the dog’s furry neck and taking comfort. Like Jared is something he needs to hide from. “I’ve thought about it from every angle. I’ll be too busy with work and my other obligations to keep taking entire nights to come see you out here. There will be too many people to ask questions. Sooner than later, I’d get caught. And that would be it for me. I can’t risk it.”

When Jensen looks up, his eyes are red-rimmed and his voice is shaky. “There’s nothing left for us to say to each other, then. Is there?”

Jared takes a step forward just as Jensen rises to his feet, so he can put his hands out on Jensen’s shoulders to help steady him. He looks directly into Jensen’s eyes and says, “I can’t end this. You don’t know how much I need you.”

“You know what your problem is?” Before he can answer, Oscar starts barking, and Jensen swipes at his eyes as he turns to see what’s upsetting the dog. A car has pulled up at the nearest spot and is blinking its headlights. “Forget it. I’m gonna go. Looks like a customer, so. It was nice knowing you.”

“Wait.” Jared holds his shoulder and Jensen does stop. “You can’t go with him. Oscar doesn’t like him.”

“Anything’s better than being here right now.” Jensen swallows hard. “I know him. He comes around every few weeks. I can handle him. It’s not…you don’t have to worry about me anymore, Jared. And I’ll stop worrying about you.”

“You can’t really mean to—” Jared digs out his wallet and grabs all the cash he brought. “Here, at least let me give you some money. We’ve been talking long enough that I should pay for your time. And that way you don’t have to go with him.”

Jensen pushes his hand away. “Keep your money. I’m a big boy. I can make my own decisions.”

He peers into the car, sees that the guy has dark blonde hair and a bloated face. He’s not hideous, but he looks like an asshole, and he proves that looks aren’t always deceiving by honking loudly despite the fact that Jensen has already acknowledged him.

“Seriously,” Jared says, pointing to the john. “That’s the guy you’d hire to literally play Satan on TV.”

Jensen huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes, struggling to hold Oscar, who is now downright aggressive as he barks and tries to lurch toward the car. “He pays for what he breaks. Can’t ask for much more than that.”

“Yes, you can,” Jared tells him. “Don’t let him hurt you just because you want to get away from me. I can just leave.”

“You should,” Jensen says. “You should go back where you came from, and you should stay there this time.”

Jared winces as if Jensen hit him, but he nods. “If that’s what you want me to do.”

“You can’t give me what I want from you,” Jensen replies. “Or you won’t. So yeah, just go.”

He watches Jensen turn toward the car, trying to push Oscar back, and Jared hurries to stop him. At this point, his priority is keeping Jensen away from the jerk trying to pick him up, and if that means being his punching bag, Jared will take it. “You were going to tell me what my problem is. At least give me that.”

“Buy a shrink with all your money,” Jensen says, huffing in frustration at Oscar’s thrashing until Jared steps in to put a hand on the dog’s back, calming him. “Make them tell you.”

“Please,” Jared begs, because now he wants to know. He wants to understand how it could be possible to offer someone the world and still not be worth putting up with to get it. Jensen wasn’t even tempted by his offer before rejecting him. “What’s wrong with me?”

“You can’t pay someone to love you. And that’s the only move you’ve got,” Jensen says it loud and sharp, like it’s something he’s been fighting to keep back and it finally just fell out. He even looks contrite for a moment afterward.

“I never asked you to love me,” Jared says sadly, taking Oscar’s collar so Jensen can have a moment of reprieve. “I never expected it from you.”

“It’s not just me. No one does. Maybe the problem isn’t everybody else.”

Jared can feel himself losing control of his expression, and suddenly he wishes he’d left the first time Jensen told him to. He wants to flee now, but he’s frozen, stuck in place as Jensen continues, tearing deeper and deeper into him.

“Your parents aren’t ever going to, either. You get that, right? They never even considered loving who you really are, did they? And they still don’t, despite all your trying. You’ve buried every drop of personality you have down so deep you hardly even exist.” Jared flinches; instead of comforting him, Jensen just laughs. “How could anyone love someone who doesn’t exist? No one can do that. No one will ever care about your empty shell. Not your mom and dad, not your wife, and not—not me.”

Jared turns his face to the ground as he feels a fat tear drop leave his eye. “Stop. Please, stop. I’ve had enough.”

“Good,” Jensen says, sharp as a dagger. “Now we’ve both had enough.”

He hears Jensen’s retreating footsteps and the slam of the car door, but he can’t bear to look up until he’s been left alone on the sidewalk, still holding Oscar, whose frantic barking is starting to quiet into growls.

“What the fuck?” Jared looks up and sees Misha standing at the door of the motel check-in, looking like he ran out in a hurry. His usually placid demeanor has been replaced by obvious concern as he watches the car Jensen got into speed away. “Did I just see Jensen go with—? That guy isn’t even allowed to do business here. Why would Jensen go with him?”

Jared tries to answer, but he can’t get a word out past the wave of emotions caught in his throat, and he chokes on a sob instead.

Misha’s eyes narrow. “What did you say to make him do that? He wouldn’t have gone off with that guy on his own.”

“He wanted to get away from me,” Jared confirms, wiping at his eyes and trying to wrap his mind around the reality of Jensen hating him this much. He’s hardly answering Misha more than babbling to himself. “Anything is better than me.”

“Why don’t you get out of here?” Misha asks. “And leave my friend alone.”

Jared nods, because he knows Misha is right. Go and stay gone this time, that’s what Jensen told him. Jared finally understands. He _can_ give Jensen what he wants, even if it’s not what he wanted to give.

“Tell him I…” Jared shuts his eyes against the painful realization that even goodbyes would be unwelcome at this point. “Forget it. Don’t tell him anything.”


End file.
